Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

wow can't believe how homophobic this post is.

To even say "Being bi isn't the same as being unfaithful" (as if anyone should think it would be!) but then basically saying you think it is anyway! Why on earth would there be any correlation between being bi and assuming she wants other partners? If she told him she fancied men generally, or men with a physical characteristic that he did not share, presumably his first conclusion wouldn't be that she was going to cheat on him, and if he did everyone would think he was being ridiculous.

As to all the other posters querying why she told him -because it's a significant part of her identity! Why on earth should she have to hide it!

I wish this was how most people thought of sexuality. It involves less navel gazing and doesn’t require validation from others.

No worries, easily done.

Have you never had a sexual thought about anyone except your DH in the whole of your marriage? Because if so, you're very much in the minority - and so is your DH if he's the same. I hate to break it to you, but sexual thoughts about others, even if they're only fleeting ones, are extremely common.

Also, it's not possible for a person to tell their partner they're bi at the start of a relationship if they haven't realised it yet themselves. I'd have thought that was obvious.

I hate this assumption that if you are bisexual but decide to marry someone, you have now "picked a side". I married a man. I am still bisexual, not straight - and if I'd married a woman instead, I'd still be bisexual. That some people only recognise or reconcile their sexual identity later in life is unfortunate, but it happens. It doesn't make them untrustworthy, or looking to cheat. I'm monogamous, and have every intention of growing old and cantankerous with my husband. Still bi though.

‘How does it change the status quo?
The status quo of a marriage is that you're committed to each other, and you have made agreements on parts of your lives that affect each other eg attitude to kids, money, where you want to live, boundaries with faithfulness and the sex you have with each other.’

Exactly.
If 2 people are in a committed, monogamous relationship then it’s irrelevant whether they are gay/bi/ straight.
End of. Its ones thing the DH being thrown by this, but his reaction is childish and hurtful.

His automatic assumption was most likely that you want to have other partners.

@Brefugee you're conflating bisexuality with polyamory there. It's a depressingly common trope.

Because that is my personal preference.

But what’s driving that? Other than the obvious- homo/biphobia?

This.

If 2 people are in a committed, monogamous relationship then it’s irrelevant whether they are gay/bi/ straight

I mean literally this. That’s all there is to it.

Then there was no good reason to tell him.

Why would you question this? i’m also straight and want a straight partner.

Obviously the vote here reflects the amount of biphobia on MN.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. People are just fucking weird about bisexuality, like it's some moral failing.

DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother

😃

Because I think it’s important to question homo/biphobia

I don’t understand why you felt you had to “come out” to him when you’d already told him before you were married that you’d felt some attraction to women. I mean, that’s what bisexuality is, even if you didn’t label it that at the time. Ditto “fluid sexuality”.

Did he think you’d said it to turn him on or something? I remember some girls when I was uni age who’d kiss each other in clubs purely as a performance for the lads who saw lesbians as a porn category and not real people… maybe he thought it was that, and he didn’t really hear what you were saying?

Was there someone you were currently attracted to? Is that why you felt you had to tell him? I can sort of understand why he’d feel like it was akin to cheating if you told him you had feelings for someone else. His reaction is frankly pretty insane though. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. You really need to see some sort of couples therapist as he’s definitely got some kind of issue.

Also - be prepared for him to ask for a threesome, either genuinely or as a test. Think very carefully about what you will say!!

Surely choosing a monogamous relationship that you want to last means that being bisexual is NOT part of your identity.

There should no be longer a choice between partners (whether men and women) unless you plan to leave your relationship.

Of course it sounds to him like you're interested in having something he's not, because he can't be both the things you're attracted to.

You sound like a 15 year old.

It is absolutely fine for anyone to have a personal preference when it comes to choosing a partner. Just because I wouldn’t be with someone who is bisexual, transgender doesn’t mean I don’t support those that are.

I am sure there are things about me that others wouldn’t be attracted to/want in a partner. That’s fine. They can love and choose who they want.

Do straight people stop being attracted to other people when they get married?

Why are you trying to erode my sexual boundaries? 🚩

Who I have am in a relationship with/have sex with/find attractive, doesn’t need to align with the equalities act. I don’t owe anyone sex. It’s personal preference and attraction.

In what way does suggesting that prejudices should be questioned make someone sound like a 15-year-old?

Nobody has to justify what they do or don't find attractive in a partner and that can include attitudes and beliefs. I wouldn't want to be in relationship with someone who was religious but it doesn't mean I hate anyone who is religious.

‘Surely choosing a monogamous relationship that you want to last means that being bisexual is NOT part of your identity.’

jesus wept. Should she just turn off the attracted to women switch then? Easy peasy.

It’s like saying someone married should never ever find anyone else attractive again… other than their DP

Why is it homo/biphobia? I could understand someone purposely not having friends gay or bi as being phobic but people are allowed to be discriminatory when dating. You are attracted to what you’re attracted to.