Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

I'd also guess that his parents probably did take his Xbox away and that is why he's saying he hates his grandma. If that's the only penalty here (taking away his Xbox) then it's not enough to make him understand the seriousness of his actions. @LadySmurf it may be that the parents have taken a bunch of steps here but you really need to talk to them to understand what they've done since he punched you.

I wouldn't give him anything. Its terrible to think this 14 year old punched his Nan in the stomach what will he do next torture animals? He needs professional help or he could end up thinking hitting women is ok.

Wtf!!! He is 14 not 4!!! He was violent and aggressive against a much older woman! He could be legally charged and prosecuted. We are well past the hug and letter stage.

I think there are some horrific, victim blaming posts on this thread.

There are posters who apparently would take a punching and just calmly explain to their child why it isn't ideal?!?

These posts are encouraging behaviour which will increase rates of domestic violence in future. The grandson has an anger problem and the parents sympathy should be with the victim only and that's the OP.

The op should never apologise, but for the grandson's actions she wouldn't have reacted as she did.

In 4 years he will be a man. You want to send him a message that it is okay to punch women?

"She didn’t need to defend herself. It wasn’t a sustained attack, it was one punch.

And I agree, the police would have been the right decision. Reacting with violence is not."

@ByPeachSeal is that what you'll say if the victim was the grandson's girlfriend? It's excusing abuse and violence

You don’t seem to understand. She didn’t need to defend herself. She reacted because she was angry, not because she needed to defend herself.

It was a gut instinct reaction in the moment. It wasn't anger! It was shock and or fear. Jesus.

@ByPeachSeal the OP had every right to react like she did, she is not expected to have a superhuman set of pious reactions in the face of a violent assault. Your post is victim blaming.

I'm coming from the angle of modelling. Just because you hit me doesn't mean it's ok for me to hit you back. Granted OP reacted so it wasn't thought through, but potentially he reacted (very inappropriately) to a statement by the 8yr old. I don't think either of the initial responses was great. Everyone responds differently though and I don't know what I'd do in that situation. If I did hit back I would feel bad and apologise for my response but that doesn't justify his behaviour.

And this is exactly how abusive men are enabled. No, he is 14 and likely the size of a man who physically assaulted his nan, it is NOT okay and I can't tell you how angry and disappointed I would be if my son did this. He would have apologised immediately and begged for forgiveness.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from your grandson, 14 is more than old enough to know right from wrong. I never would have sworn in the presence of my grandparents even.

I might be able to forgive pushing past me in a strop if a huge apology was offered but an actual punch, wtf? Especially since it was unprovoked! I would have nothing more to do with this lad for your own safety, you don't give any more context but please be reassured this is way beyond normal teenage behaviour (and I work with troubled teens).

It was a defensive slap to a 14 year old who is likely the size of a man. You are being ridiculous.

I too would never lay my hands on my child but to get a male teenager off you and to stop punching you, I have no idea how I would react as it would hopefully never happen.

If someone slaps me they should expect a consequence like a punch, it's because they expect to get away with it that they do it. Forget the brat's birthday too, another consequence of his behaviour.

Whatever name you want to attach to it, it wasn’t okay.

It isn’t in question that, his behaviour was abhorrent, and I think ringing the police would be a good wake up call, but losing control and hitting a child is never okay.

What a horrible youngster . Who on earth punches their grandmother .

Oh dear? Are you joking. He punched his grandmother in the stomach. Her reaction was not wrong, it was a reaction to the violence being used against her. She's already apologised and she won't be the reason he gets depressed or goes on a downward spiral. The fact he thinks it's ok to swear at home and with relatives tells me there is something wrong with how he's being parented. The fact his parents haven't mentioned the violence used against his grandmother again tells me there is something very wrong with how he is being parented. No OP I would not buy him a gift. He doesn't deserve it.

Are you for real

Your message is completely unfair and victim blaming. Yes he’s a child but he should know better. Absolving him of all responsibility is not doing him any favours.
The OP response wasn’t right but certainly understandable.

OP I would not give a birthday gift.

You asked him to modify his behaviour, his brother provoked him and he punched you. You responded with a slap. I agree slapping him was not ideal but you have acknowledged that and apologised. He has yet to apologise to you and, in fact, he seems to hate you for whatever punishment his parents imposed on his for his violent behaviour. Far from being sorry he feels he's been wronged.There is pattern here where he does not take responsibility for his own actions. I think pandering to him by giving him a gift would only reinforce his belief that it's everyone else's fault.

At 14 he is old enough to know you do not hit people. I wonder if he would have punched you if you had been a well built man? I don't think so because he didn't even lash out at his brother who was the one who provoked him, not that that would have been acceptable, but he directed his anger at someone who had nothing to do with it. This in itself is concerning and reading some of the replies here I think we can see where some men get the idea that hitting women when they can't control their emotions is OK.

I would speak to his parents and ask them when an apology will be forthcoming. It maybe painful but I don't think you can do anything else to fix things until he accepts he was wrong and apologises.

I know he is your grandson but he is also a violent young man so please keep this in mind and prioritise your safety. You may think that's an overreaction but then a short while ago I doubt you would have thought he would punch you.

Have you ever been fearful or scared by male violence? As I've said, this is a 14 year old but 14 year olds are large and strong, yes a child in the brain but they are still big and you have no idea how you would react in response to being punched, and being aggressively screamed at.

I have been intimidated by male violence and I have reacted in the moment, usually cowering but sometimes instinctively lashing out to get them away from you.

I think my concern would be more for my adult child. Can you talk to the boy's parents on their own to find out what's going on? Are they struggling with their children? Can you help them find support-or at least just listen to their worries? It's not normal teenage behaviour to hit.

She didn't react because she was angry. If you are going to present yourself as the voice of reason in such a patronising, violent abuse excusing manner, at least stop being an idiot about it.

She reacted because it's an instinctual fear reaction to being attacked by a stronger assailant. Anger has nothing to do with it. It would actually be sheer terror.

You are an actual ghoul to be berating a victim of abuse like this from a position of utter idiocy.

@Cicciabella

You are exactly the reason that this country is on its arse.

I would give him a present -as I’m sure DGM wants to get back to a good relationship as soon as possible - perhaps ask him what he wants,or ask his DM to ask him.
The relationship is prob more important to DGM than it is to him. Also he is prob embarrassed but won’t admit it so DGM should make the first move.