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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fall out with Grandson

835 replies

LadySmurf · 30/05/2024 06:30

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

OP posts:

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Willmafrockfit · 30/05/2024 07:33

i would have a word with his parents

K0OLA1D · 30/05/2024 07:33

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:20

There are quite clearly a lot of serious issues at play here that you cannot sort (and the parents are doing a shit job of trying if their response is trying to gain control by banning the Xbox).

However, regardless of what had happened before, if you ever hit my child you wouldn’t see them again.

What the hell is with these responses?

He's lucky he punched his nan and she only slapped him! If he'd have done it to some random person in the street he'd have got a lot worse.

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:34

maddening · 30/05/2024 07:32

If your child punched me they would be dealt with by the police and your parenting would be deemed shit

Show quote history

I wouldn’t end up there because I actually parent my children, but if they did, you would be right to ring the police.

You would not be right to react violently.

merrymelodies · 30/05/2024 07:34

That's assault. You could have had him arrested. Would serve him right; teach him to keep his fists to himself.

showerjelly · 30/05/2024 07:35

@ByPeachSeal so she should've karate kicked him to the floor? In order to defend herself should she?

I'll presume she's not a black belt in karate!

I still would've contacted the police, for him attacking me and let them decide who was the criminal....

What do you think k would've been their decision?

Bellevilles · 30/05/2024 07:35

I would talk to his parents about it all as it sounds extremely serious. I wouldn’t get hung up on the apology (I mean, of course he should apologise but that is maybe not the key thing especially if it’s just one he has been told to give)- it sounds as if he needs an expert to step in eg psychologist specialising in adolescent violence and anger disorders.

It’s not clear really as we don’t know what his parents are doing behind the scenes, but I’d say that if the focus is just on whether he has apologised or not you are all under-reacting.

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:36

K0OLA1D · 30/05/2024 07:33

What the hell is with these responses?

He's lucky he punched his nan and she only slapped him! If he'd have done it to some random person in the street he'd have got a lot worse.

Show quote history

Oh okay. So because Joe Bloggs would have nutted him it’s okay grandma slapped because it isn’t as violent?

Does that go for all violent acts?

DoreenonTill8 · 30/05/2024 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This.and all the other posts acknowledging @Cicciabella s batshit post!

K0OLA1D · 30/05/2024 07:36

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:34

I wouldn’t end up there because I actually parent my children, but if they did, you would be right to ring the police.

You would not be right to react violently.

Show quote history

What would you have done? Make him a brew and give him a jammie dodger?

Have you ever been punched in the stomach by someone bigger and stronger than you? Because you have no idea what your gut reaction would be.

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:37

showerjelly · 30/05/2024 07:35

@ByPeachSeal so she should've karate kicked him to the floor? In order to defend herself should she?

I'll presume she's not a black belt in karate!

I still would've contacted the police, for him attacking me and let them decide who was the criminal....

What do you think k would've been their decision?

She didn’t need to defend herself. It wasn’t a sustained attack, it was one punch.

And I agree, the police would have been the right decision. Reacting with violence is not.

AgnesX · 30/05/2024 07:37

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:30

A slap isn’t a defence. She slapped because she was angry, not to defend herself.

It’s not meant to be a threat. It’s as simple as not wanting my child around an adult that loses control and reacts with violence like that.

Show quote history

That's unfair, hitting back when someone hurts you is a visceral reaction.

Fourteen year olds can be extremely strong and pack a powerful blow, powerful enough to attract that reaction. Hitting back may not be the right thing to do in the heat of the moment but what's done is done.

Could you tell the MN readers the right way to deal with the situation?

yesimactively · 30/05/2024 07:37

Only on MN would someone suggest that a grandma apologise to her grandson because he hit her.
🙄

I'm not even sure I believe half of these threads any more.

merrymelodies · 30/05/2024 07:37

@Cicciabella your reply has made me very angry. How dare you suggest enabling male violence? As if it isn't bad enough for women already!

Theunamedcat · 30/05/2024 07:38

He went for you not the 8 year old who said what they said he went for the woman first

Personally I wouldn't bother with the gift I don't reward poor behaviour

Offer to babysit the 8 year old more they are probably in hell

saraclara · 30/05/2024 07:39

I imagine that the slap was instinctive, rather than a thought through punishment.

Why has a month gone by without a discussion about his behaviour with the parents? How did they react when you told them he'd screamed and sworn at you and punched you in the stomach, @LadySmurf ? Or did they only focus on your slap?

bozzabollix · 30/05/2024 07:39

I have a large and very strong 15yo son. If he punched either of his grannies in the stomach they’d be very hurt, and he’d be in the biggest trouble of his life with his parents. The very least he’d do would be apologise. I’d be making his life an absolute misery for quite some time too.

I am shocked to be honest that neither parent has backed you up, it makes me wonder if he’s ruling that house. If he thinks punching you is acceptable behaviour what is he doing to his parents? Why aren’t they disciplining him? It’s odd.

Don’t buy him anything and explain why to both him and his parents. Absolutely vile behaviour on his part.

PollyPut · 30/05/2024 07:40

I wouldn't be after an apology; I'm not sure chasing that is going to help.

I'd want to know how a 14 year old even thought about punching his grandmother in the stomach. If he's reacting like this with you, presumably he is doing the same at school and could end up excluded soon or in trouble with the police.

I'd talk to your child (his parent) about all of this and explain your concerns; they are (hopefully) already aware. What are they doing about it?

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 30/05/2024 07:40

@ByPeachSeal and @Cicciabella may well be one and the same given that their posts are being deliberately goady.
Sadly, we've all said wtf in response, which has amused them no end, so I'd suggest we ignore their posts and help OP.

showerjelly · 30/05/2024 07:41

*She didn’t need to defend herself. It wasn’t a sustained attack, it was one punch.

And I agree, the police would have been the right decision. Reacting with violence is not.*

This is the epitome of enabling vile violent behaviour, it was only one punch, not a sustained attack! 14 year old punched grandmother and she shouldn't defend herself.

Shame on you @ByPeachSeal, you sound an absolute disgraceful person.

Drowningnotwaving85 · 30/05/2024 07:41

I think there's wrong on both parts in terms of the hitting. You've both lost control - either understandably or not on your part OP. Him hitting you is definitely not ok, but neither is hitting him back. You've done the right thing in terms of apologising for your behaviour - isn't this what we should be teaching children? Own your behaviour right/wrong and apologise when we act in a way that's not ok.

Try not to feel guilty. Its done. You've acknowledged its not ideal. The rest is on his parents. I'd be putting clear boundaries in place that until he can accept and reflect on his behaviour and apologise he wouldn't be coming round to my house. I'd probably send a card for birthday to acknowledge the day as he's family but wouldn't be going out my way to get a gift or make a fuss.

Talk to his parents. If this is ongoing difficult behaviour what are they doing about it? What support is in place and what do they feel might be helpful? It might be due to an additional need but that's not an excuse for poor behaviour and sanctions still need to be put in place. Remember it's not your job to parent him, and you need to keep yourself safe either from physical harm or from an allegation of harm against you.

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2024 07:42

I wonder if parents are mortified and that's why they haven't really been on contact. I know I would be beside myself if my teen did that to grandparent - it might not be about the slap at all.

I'd give him a gift and tell him you love him but not his behaviour

Sapphire387 · 30/05/2024 07:43

@Drowningnotwaving85 not the right thing for her to have apologised, at all.

She was kicked in the stomach by her grandson, and quite frankly he deserved a slap in response.

Scintella · 30/05/2024 07:43

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Well she did nothing - his punch was in relation to something the younger grandson said - not what she said - so I think your view is the reason that young people have problems - no boundaries and not required to explain their behaviour.
I can see that an older teen would react badly to a threat repeated by a younger sibling but punching someone who is not involved (a comment by the younger sibling about a threat from the parents) is not on. And it sounds like the parents ignored it.

Lifelong · 30/05/2024 07:44

If my nephew assaulted my mother, both him and his parents would have ME and my siblings to deal.
He's a thug.
I would be beside myself if my child assaulted ANYONE, but his grandmother!
This should have been reported to the police for HIS sake.
He is out of control.
Who will assault next?

Globetrote · 30/05/2024 07:44

If my child had punched a grandparent then the consequences would be very serious indeed.

Has your child mentioned the incident again? They need to get your grandson urgent help for his shocking behaviour - and him thinking it was ok to hit a grandparent and then sulking because he got more than he bargained for back? His reaction is like the bully who got shocked because someone finally stood up to his shitty behaviour.

If he hit you what’s to say he isn’t hitting his younger sibling too?

If he ever does that again then call the police and make no apology for it.

Maybe send him a birthday card if you really want to heal the rift but there would be no gift from me.

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