Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

If it was my son I'd give him a gift, like a donation to something like Beira's Place that helps women victims of male violence.

You did nothing wrong OP. I'm betting you're the first person who has demonstrated a direct consequence of his actions to him. I get that a lot of people think violence is never the answer but when a teenage boy thinks it appropriate to punch his gran all bets are off I'm afraid. I'd have done the same and would not have apologised.

@Angelik - my sincere apologies. I quoted your post in error. It was supposed to be @Cicciabella.

There’s not a cat in hells chance that this violent spoiled rude brat would be getting a single thing off me. How very dare he!?

How didn’t he plead for your forgiveness?

I’m so sorry OP.

What has your child had to say since the initial conversation? If nothing then I assume it’s either that they aren’t bothered or that they are embarrassed/mortified. Only you can guess what they might be thinking.

Your grandson’s behaviour is absolutely appalling and I imagine he’s had an almighty shock that you just didn’t roll over and accept a punch (even if your reaction was a reflex response). I wonder how many other people he has punched at home, school etc? He needs urgent help and his parents are a disgrace and enabling him if they sweep this under the carpet.

My DS(9) was asked last week by the Head for his side of the story of what happened when his friend was punched in the eye by another child (the child has a big shiner so a hard punch). I told DS that I would be angry if he was punched in the eye by another child, but I would be absolutely furious if he did that to someone. He’s 9 and knows it’s wrong to hit and punch so what the hell is a 14yo thinking punching his grandmother is beyond me.

I could not get past the fact that the boy, actually punched his Grandmother! I do not even know what to say.

Cicciabella is this a name change for part II of your Goady Guide to Grandparenting?

If I were his parents I would be really questioning where I'd gone wrong.

What have his parents done to address their son's violence? Are they minimising and excusing it?

If a 14 year old boy punched a random woman in the street the police would, I hope charge him.
Give it a couple of years and he could well be thinking its ok to punch his girlfriend.
He assaulted a woman, in her home, its domestic violence.
Op DEFENDED herself, as is her right and a natural reaction.

Your 14 year old grandson swore at you and punched you in the stomach and neither him or his parents have apologised to you?
Why on earth are you still visiting their house?!
As he hasn't apologised and he's said he hates you, he'd be lucky to get a card from me for his birthday. I wonder if he'd swear and punch a 6ft grandfather? Doubt it!

Absolutely this. The Grandmother is looked up to, and given the respect that an elder should be given. There is no talking back, or cheek. To physically hit a Grandparent is not in my sphere of possibilities. And yet it would seem that the parents have done nothing.

Talking about modelling- perhaps it's useful for him to learn that women will hit back 🙁.

I'm sorry, but this really is bollocks. 😬

She was punched in the stomach! Her reaction was almost certainly instinctual. Please do not guilt trip her. Why are there always people on mumsnet that have these impossibly high expectations of mother/ grandmother hood? At 14, yes he is still growing and is probably full of angry hormones, but he is in the wrong. I doubt that she will trigger self harm. Stop projecting.

@ByPeachSeal

She didn’t need to defend herself. It wasn’t a sustained attack, it was one punch.

How could she know he wouldn't continue?

How on earth could she know that?

If a 14 year old boy had lost control enough to punch me in the stomach, I would be so shocked and scared that I would have no idea whether he was going to continue attacking me or not.

Genuine questions - if a man punched his wife in the stomach (once) and as a reflex she slapped him, would you say she was wrong to as it wasn't a 'sustained attack'?

What about if OP's grandson was 18 or 19 and punched her in the stomach (once) and as a reflex she slapped him, would you say she was wrong to as it wasn't a 'sustained attack'?

What about if he was still 14 and punched his 14 year old girlfriend in the stomach (once) and and as a reflex she slapped him, would you say she was wrong to as it wasn't a 'sustained attack'?

Interested to know your answers to these questions.

I’ve never smacked my kids but honest to god if they punched my granny they would be getting a flat out punch from me.

The fact that his parents haven't sent him grovelling back with an apology is an absolute disgrace. They just can’t be arsed dealing with the fuck yo they have obviously created

His parents should donate all his birthday money to violence against women charities.

My family would be absolutely raging if this happened 🫨

@Cicciabella my 14yr old is over 6ft tall and exercises a lot! He would seriously hurt me if he punched me in the stomach. A reactive slap is nothing. This family has some serious issues to deal with-and it’s not the OP who needs to sort that. No 14yr old should be punching anyone.

So if someone punched you - you would do nothing? This is ridiculous. This boy needs sanctions fast to stop him hitting women. The op should not be the one to apologise.

I'd be interested in those answers too.

Absolutely - I would most definitely retaliated and he would not be welcome in my house again.

What a crap situation.

Whilst I accept in this day and age it isn't acceptable to react to violence with violence, it is actually part of our deeply ingrained survival technique. So a reactive slap is something that happens without thinking.

OP reacted without thinking to what was a violent assault.

I am not sure what I would do going forward. I might consider sending him a birthday card with a message along the lines of "Its very sad that our time together ended the way it did. I love you very much, and always will, and I hope you have a good birthday. When you have time to reflect, I will be very happy to sit down and talk about what you did to me as well as my immediate reaction. But, little shit of a grandson, you need to understand that your behaviour towards me is not acceptable and I hope you realise that and never do anything like this again to anyone".

At this point I wouldn't be sending a gift. He probably won't open the card anyway and if he is still sulking you can't guarantee he won't just bin the gift. So I would save my money.

☝️this

I'm stunned that he felt it was ok to disrespect his granny by swearing in her house let alone punch her in the stomach!!!
I'm so sorry I'm sure you were devastated. I don't think you did anything wrong.

I'd be seriously questioning his parents though. Why have they allowed him to stay away for a month?

Baffled by the idiots defending the teenager. OP did nothing wrong - the violence came from the teen.

I'd have been tempted to call the police.

Talk to his parents about how they are addressing this awful behaviour before he does it elsewhere and gets arrested.