Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

A 14 year old punched her in the stomach! She shouldn't have slapped him but he shouted, swore, and punched her in the stomach. He is easily old enough that in a different context eg punching a girl in the street, a teacher at school, an elderly woman in a shop he might be having a chat with the police.

@LadySmurf

Do you have a good relationship with your child, his parent?

It feels like you need to understand what is going on in the family, there must be some big issues.

Yes, quite right, she should have given him a hug and taken him out for a McDonalds after he punched her in the stomach. One should be endlessly supportive in the face of male violence

Wtf? He PUNCHED his grandmother in the stomach after shouting and swearing at her

Calmly step away? No. This a parenting issue - they are not managing his behaviour. Would you be happy if one of your children punched YOUR parent in the stomach?

It's attitudes such as the one you espouse that are building up trouble for society. If physical assault of family members is acceptable as long as you have an understanding chat with the puncher after the event, then what the fuck do you think is acdeptable bahaviour towards a stranger?

And what discussion have you had with his parents for him punching you? And what was their response?

Have you talked with the parents about why he's a handful? Has he always been this way or just since becoming a teen? Is he like this with them?

Do you know why he was stroppy that particular morning? Something was going on that needs to be understood as this appears to be the trigger for him lashing out.

No-one has mentioned the 8YO's part in provoking his older brother by mentioning the Xbox. That, along with whatever it was that was upsetting him would have been sufficient to push some kids over the edge.

The parents should be taking the lead in resolving this. Read up about conflict resolution for teens and get them to do the same. His birthday being soon is a good reason to do this now. Try and sort it out before the day so the air can be cleared and hopefully the giving of a gift won't be such an issue.

I'm so sorry he punched you, it's such a shock when this first happens. Did you only apologise to him when his parents came? He's a hormonal teen, you're an adult and should have known better so an immediate apology was required.

I hope you can sort it all out. I'd say no gift until this is resolved but you must be proactive in getting it resolved.

She has raised her own children and you're telling her to read parenting books?
Seriously??
He punched her in the stomach, his own grandmother and you think she should write to him begging his forgiveness?
Seriously??
No wonder some men grow up to.think it's ok to assault women!

A 14 year old punched his grandmother in the stomach and his parents have done nothing about it. How absolutely repulsive. No he doesn't get a thing for his birthday or christmas or anything until he properly apologises and sorts himself out. That's not a normal teenage moodiness. They're raising a violent thug.

No way would I be pursuing any kind of relationship with him let alone apologising! Disgusting behaviour from him.

You are worth more OP.

He must learn immediately from this to NEVER punch anyone, let alone a woman.

Leave him to stew until he grows up enough to apologise and take responsibility. Yes, that might take years especially if the parents are enabling him by minimising his violence.

(I've also had 20+ years of working with troubled teens- and a parent to 3 young adults)

There are quite clearly a lot of serious issues at play here that you cannot sort (and the parents are doing a shit job of trying if their response is trying to gain control by banning the Xbox).

However, regardless of what had happened before, if you ever hit my child you wouldn’t see them again.

If my grandson punched me at age 14, an immediate response would be to call the police!

How dare you insinuate that OP should be kinder, no wonder teens are running amok with that sort of attitude.

His 8 year old brother reminded him that bad behaviour had consequences, he was not winding him up.

The teen is a disgrace!

Some of these responses are insane. Still give him a gift?! Write him a letter of apology! Words fail,

So your child can punch their grandparent and you think the grandparent would be wrong to defend themselves?

It's not much of a threat taking them away is it? You'd be doing the victim a favour by keeping the child away going forward who'd want to socialise with them if only for fear of them doing it again

He's a teenager, not a toddler. He wanted to hurt OP as hard as he could whereas a toddler doesn't understand. I would also instinctively lash out if a man or almost man sized boy punched me in the stomach. He needs to apologise to his grandma for intentionally physically assaulting her. OP will not be 'the reason he starts on a bad spiral.' His parents are neglecting him by not finding out why he's abusive and aggressive.

I really hope that you're not being serious with this post?

My almost 13yo is 5ft 6. My mum is 5ft.5. If he punched her in the stomach and she slapped him the last thing I would be doing is having a go at my mum!!!

Christ.

Surely you've rang which ever parent is your child and asked for an explanation/ apology ?

@Cicciabella your response, not OPs is why we have so many feral youths in society.

I'm so sorry he punched you, it's such a shock when this first happens. Did you only apologise to him when his parents came? He's a hormonal teen, you're an adult and should have known better so an immediate apology was required.

there are so many wrongs in this paragraph
'When this first happens...' - as if we'd all be expecting a 2nd and 3rd time. No time is acceptable
'You should have known better..' Again, no. Trying to reason with a toddler or teenager is pointless. OPs reaction was instinctive. She has clearly fretted about her action, yet the DGS hasn't even apologised

What a dreadful attitude

If your child ever hit me, I'd be calling the police! Seeing them again would be of no interest to me. I'd defend myself against them as I would anyone who assaulted me.

Why would I want to see your violent thug of a "child"?

Mind you with attitudes like this, we can see where the issues arise and why we have entitled violent teens around.

A slap isn’t a defence. She slapped because she was angry, not to defend herself.

It’s not meant to be a threat. It’s as simple as not wanting my child around an adult that loses control and reacts with violence like that.

Calmly stepped away? WTF!

HE PUNCHED HER IN THE STOMACH!

Are you mental?!

OP wasn’t defending herself, she lost control and slapped because she was angry.

It sounds more like the OP panicked and slapped him in response to the punch. I presume that she hasn't had specialist training in how to manage being attacked by someone.

If your child punched me they would be dealt with by the police and your parenting would be deemed shit