Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

Well done OP, proud of you! You put your foot down and said you weren't having it, good for you!

Well bloody done op!

I'm glad you didn't go round with gift and apologies and begging to that vile, vile child. So disgusting that he punched his grandmother! And even worse that his parents have not rectified this too.

I think parents can get so bogged down in trying to understand their own children's big feelings that they lose sight of the fact that other people won't be tolerating the bad behaviour. Hopefully this was a bit of a wake up call for them.

He sounds like a rude, disrespectful little shit with crappy parents who haven't taught him how to behave. I would be furious if either of my children had spoken to or treated my Mum like that.

I think you've acted brilliantly, well done. I hope the young man learns from this and starts to behave

But her precious doesn’t deserve to be hit back, he has a sweet good beer and means nothing bad.

@ByPeachSeal the fact your teenage son thinks it’s ok to hit an elderly woman like his grandmother means you have already failed him so your priority is not keeping him away from people who will hit him back lol. Your priority is teaching him not to hit ANYONE not making sure you keep him away from people who will hit him back. By your logic all is good if he is hitting people who don’t hit back right?

Well done, OP!

Do you offer this same advice to women when they’re hit by their adult partner who still hasn’t learnt to ‘regulate his high emotions’? If not, at what age does it change? 16? 18? Over 25? How long do males get a free pass to hit women for?

Do you offer this same advice to women when they’re hit by their adult partner who still hasn’t learnt to ‘regulate his high emotions’? If not, at what age does it change? 16? 18? Over 25? How long do males get a free pass to hit women for?
This is exactly right.
I say they are challenged from the first hit even if that is two years old. You can't expect someone who has been allowed to do things to suddenly act as a switch has been flicked and not do something any more.

The best thing to do now, is maybe have that chat but stay calm and be accepting that he needs a sense of safety and security.

And the best thing the OP has done is to have had that chat calmly and has made them accept that she needs a sense of safety and security in her own fucking home.

It's never too young to teach boys not to hit. I remember clearly my Dsis telling DN, "WE DO NOT HIT GIRLS," and removing him from a play area and removing the toy he had hit the girl with. He was 2.5. Obviously, it takes time to learn and a toddler can't be expected to grasp this overnight, but reinforcing this over and over is so critical because it can be too late at a certain age.

OP, well done you! I hope that in the future, your DGS will realize his errors and see that your tough love was the best thing for changing his life around. He's still young enough where a change can have an impact. If anything, his younger DB will see that violence against women should have consequences.

I see @Cicciabella has reincarnated as @Bellaboo01

Awful attitude. You are defending male violence.

Yup!

All of this.

The slap back is a reflex. I know.

A visceral, self defensive reflex to being attacked is not the same as an attack.

Every apologist for male violence on this thread needs to write this out 1,000 times.

I would say if someone was being attacked then you do all means necessary to make sure you are safe and call the police

@Bellaboo01 she was in her own home with her grandchildren. She should expect to be safe!!!

How does she get away from someone larger and stronger than her, intent on hitting her in her own home? How does she get safe? How? Without defending herself? Answer that.

I agree. Thank you for your posts @WearyAuldWumman and I'm so sorry for your loss. The fact some posters can just dismiss your experience is truly appalling and awful and an indictment on their morals.

Sorry, just had to comment on this.

My DD had a friend, a boy, who was very sweet and as well as playing together outdoors on bikes, building dens, looking for creepy crawlies etc , they played on his Playstation doing Minecraft. This is when they were around 9 .

The boy has progressed to Fortnite and has changed. He is now 11 and irratible, anxious and quick to temper. I believe it is due to excessive time spent on this game.

It's so easy to view this 'Gaming Time' as having a bit of peace and quiet in your own home , having time to yourself, but I don't believe it is healthy for kids.

I'm sure teachers can tell the kids that have way too much screen time as well.

I will answer your question as it has just popped up on my emails but, this isn't a post about me - it is a post for the OP who asked for people's opinions. I gave mine.

Of course she should expect to be safe in her own home.

Unfortunately - i am assuming that the child has issues which maybe Grandma didn't know about regarding being violent and swearing etc as Grandma said he could have a sleepover.

I obviously missed the post where it was stated that the child was stronger and larger than her.

Slapping a child round the face is completely different from defending yourself.

I will not be commenting anymore on this post.

Well done @LadySmurf well said!

Reading down this thread was making me so upset at some of the attitudes. You're response was spot on. Hopefully his parents get a wake up call.

@Bellaboo01

Ah what a shame you've just said you won't be back further, before you had a chance to answer the questions I asked you previously.

Here they are again in case you find a few minutes...

Are you honestly saying that if one of the vulnerable teens (a girl, let's say) you have previously cared for came to you and said they had been punched in the stomach by a vulnerable teen boy and as a reflex, without thinking or planning, they slapped him, you would tell her that violence is violence and she was morally wrong to do so?

You wouldn't explain that her reaction was self defence and something that is a fight or flight self preservation response to being attacked?

You wouldn't explain that she couldn't have known if he would continue punching her in the stomach and that her reaction was her body attempting to defend itself?

Again, it's concerning you have cared for vulnerable people (of any age) with such black and white thinking and lack of ability to consider the nuance of situations.

Another question for you - after how many punches to the stomach by their teenage grandson is it ok for a grandma to hit back in self defence? Or is it never ok and they should just accept their fate and be assaulted until the assailant decides to stop?

Yeah @Bellaboo01 I would really like your answers to those questions too. But I see you've opted out. Shame the victims of male violence can't just "opt out" too.

Not so easy is it when it's real rather than in a textbook.

If you do deal with kids, , you'll know fine well that the average 14 year old lad these days is going to be bigger than a woman in her 50/60s or older. But hey, grasp at any straw you like to keep holding on to your indefensible attitudes.

You make me sick.

I obviously missed the post where it was stated that the child was stronger and larger than her.

Fuck me.

So it is ok for someone to hit a woman if they are the same size or littler. And women can only defend themselves if they are littler than their attacker. Got it.

She was in her own fucking home. She should have felt safe from anyone - let alone her apparently now tiny weak defenceless little hard done by grandson.

If the child has ishoos his grandma didn’t know about then his parents should be letting her know so she can make a judgement call about having him in her home.

At the end of the day, her grandson’s only fucking real issue is that he thinks it is ok to punch women in the stomach.

One hell of a bastard issue that.

Maybe the parents could make some effort with their son, the final paragraph would be a good place to start and not only for this family. Too many youngsters are allowed too much time on their tech and that's for parents to address.

I obviously missed the post where it was stated that the child was stronger and larger than her.

Given that the "child" in question is 14 I'd say the odds are fairly good.