Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out with Grandson

835 replies

LadySmurf · 30/05/2024 06:30

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
gardenmusic · 02/06/2024 13:20

Rosscameasdoody

I have given up with the apologists - I actually do not believe them. I think they are goading.

Over40Overdating · 02/06/2024 13:33

@gardenmusic sadly I don’t think they are goading. I think they are the parents of men who many women come on here to complain about as spoiled, entitled, childish and angry partners.

If you can punch your gran with no consequences over a threat, then abusing a partner in a relationship isn’t going to be a thing they worry about.

User8646382 · 02/06/2024 13:49

The thing is, all animals are physical with their young to teach them right from wrong and keep them in line. Society is on the verge of collapse because kids haven’t been taught the difference between right and wrong early enough and are essentially like unsocialised chimpanzees, extremely dangerous. In another hundred years, we’ll probably all be living in the jungle again. It’s evolution in reverse.

Original poster
LadySmurf · 05/06/2024 06:31

Hi all - I’m the OP’er

Wow, this really blew up the site didn’t it? Firstly, thank you to everyone who has a response and my apologies to anyone it has triggered awful memories of physical violence inflicted on them.
AN UPDATE: I’ve read through all the responses and really considered my options. I know some will agree/some won’t.
So here’s what I did…
I went to his parents house yesterday evening, when he was in bed - and spoke to them, stating that I was very disappointed that they hadn’t made him apologise, that I thought they were not the best at parenting him at present and he is ruling their lives with his behaviour. I advised them that they needed to address this and to get professional support or they would soon have two sons acting the same way. I told them that he had perpetrated physical violence to a woman, with no repercussions and this could set a pattern in his life. Due to MN responses, this was not something I had even considered and I know the parents were shocked by this too.
I said that until I had spoken to him alone, and got an apology from him and an assurance from them that it was behaviour that would never be tolerated again, he would not be welcome to come alone to my home again. My personal opinion is that they have allowed him to be electronically babysat, playing endless hours of fornite and call of duty. I told the parents they need to consider this and they agreed to seek help.
I also said that whilst I love him dearly, I would not be buying him a birthday gift as it’s too close to the event and do not want him to think that I have forgotten and brushed it under the carpet. So I will put some money aside in a Premium Bonds account he can access much much later.
Understandably there was upset from both sides, but I felt good that I had my say.
I must reiterate to all on MN, I was not a smacking mum, but certainly took no nonsense off my own children. My own children are not aggressive or prone to physical discipline at all.

Thank you again for your responses.

Please be kind to each other

Smurf xx

OP posts:
notacooldad · 05/06/2024 07:19

I am so glad you have stuck up for yourself OP.
It sounds like the parents have taken a bit of a back seat with parent and discipling and had let things slide.
Hopefully it's been a wake up call that they all needed.

Demonhunter · 05/06/2024 07:32

Well done @LadySmurf hopefully they listen and you will have changed the pathway your GS was heading to.

K0OLA1D · 05/06/2024 07:35

Well done op. I hope he takes a big look at himself and apologises

moggiek · 05/06/2024 08:01

Well done, OP!!

ilovesushi · 05/06/2024 08:13

Well done, Op! Handled really well. I hope it is a wake up call for the parents and they will look into getting professional help.

frecklejuice · 05/06/2024 08:21

Well done op, I hope his parent are really thinking about what you said and are going to get him some help. Good luck x

MoonWoman69 · 05/06/2024 08:23

Well done for this @LadySmurf It needed to be addressed and you have done that perfectly! Good luck going forward 🌹

T1Dmama · 05/06/2024 08:42

I hope he gets the help needed. Sadly there isn’t much out there and there’s huge waiting lists for the things that are available.
Parents probably need to enquire at both school and doctors. Good luck.
Sadly I think tech has taken over, it really isn’t good for our kids social skills to be in front of a tv screen all day, especially if it’s gaming, it over stimulates the brain.

T1Dmama · 05/06/2024 08:44

One of my friends kids learnt very early on that tantrums got them what they wanted, problem is tantrums at 14 are huge and the willpower now means they keep going till they get tech back!! I’m scared for this current generation

notacooldad · 05/06/2024 09:01

One of my friends kids learnt very early on that tantrums got them what they wanted, problem is tantrums at 14 are huge and the willpower now means they keep going till they get tech back!! I’m scared for this current generation

You are absolutely right.

I worked with a family years ago and the four year old kept demanding his own way when I as talking to mum. Eventually I said ' I'm just talking to mummy' mum got up and gave into his demands. As she walked into the kitchen he smirked at me and said ' bitch'.I know he didn't understand what it means and it was learned behaviour but it went unchallenged by mum.
The child is now 15 and he is under one of our teams in children's services. It is fair to say things aren't going well for him and mum has been beaten up on several occasions .

I really am a big believer in nipping things in the bud at a very young age in age appripate way. What is cute at 3 is not cute, funny or acceptable at 14 but it's often too late to put in measures, especially for female single parents against teen boys.
The best behaved teens I know had strong boundaries from the start. You don't need to be Supenanny to understand that.

Motnight · 05/06/2024 09:14

Adding to the voices of "well done", Op

usernother · 05/06/2024 09:33

Glad you came back OP. Well done, you've handled it really well with his parents. Hopefully they'll take on board what you've said. Good luck.

SummerintheCity24 · 05/06/2024 09:37

It sounds like the parents were going to ignore it and move on just to paper over the cracks. I think you did the right thing not to give a present and also to set your boundaries clearly.

All I would say is that I would not trust him. You say you want to speak to him on his own but I would be on your guard.

Also be prepared for the parents to still play it down and not deal with it in the way you would really want. You dealt with it well though and I am glad you came back to the thread!

Lifelong · 05/06/2024 10:21

Well done OP.
Hours of two violent games?
Fortnite wound my son up so much that it was once a week game on a Saturday with his lovely friends. One weekend his sweet friend had a total screaming fit at his parents over it being turned off and the game was instantly deleted by them, never to return.
On hearing this I too was done, as were other parents (8 of them friends for 10 years) and the game vanished overnight.
It has since been recognised as a game that gives a massive dopamine hit and induced a drug like state. Suggest his parents do research.
He is very young to be having so much time on such games.
Well done for handling this so well.

GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2024 10:23

Well done. You've done him a huge favour.

TruthorDie · 05/06/2024 10:32

Excellent update. What you said was spot on by the sounds of it. They need to sort themselves out and so does your grandson

FOJN · 05/06/2024 11:46

Well done, you've handled the situation really well and good for you for not tolerating violent behaviour from a 14 year old as if its acceptable or nothing can be done.

I hope his parents take on board what you have said and address the issue properly before the consequences of their sons violent behaviour start to impact his opportunities in life.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/06/2024 12:19

Thank you for the update LadySmurf. Very well done. Sending hugs.

LordPercyPercy · 05/06/2024 12:26

You've handled this bravely and beautifully, and done your grandson a long-term favour, as well as any women that will be in his life in future.

Naunet · 05/06/2024 13:01

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:30

A slap isn’t a defence. She slapped because she was angry, not to defend herself.

It’s not meant to be a threat. It’s as simple as not wanting my child around an adult that loses control and reacts with violence like that.

Show quote history

Well then teach your child not to hit people or one day he WILL get hit back by someone bigger and stronger than he is, and mummy won’t be there to defend him

No wonder male violence is such a big problem in this world 🙄

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/06/2024 13:05

Your response was perfect, @LadySmurf.

Swipe left for the next trending thread