Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

As long as it does not affect you at all as an adult he can choose how to spend his spare cash. He enjoys treating his DD. Parents do love to treat their DC. If he retired would he still be able to afford to pay his way? That is what should concern you. I like to treat my DC by gifting. If my DH did not like it I'd tell him to lump it or leave.

YABU. None of your business, especially as there is so much excess money sloshing round, and driving a wedge between your partner and his only child will not end well for you.

I think the gym / PT / private memberships now will become x10 costs for grandchildren’s private schools, nanny, cleaner and various upbringing costs when said daughter and partner likely split up in a few years…

I genuinely don’t see the point of marrying someone just for ‘commitment’ and not to pool finances and lives with future provisions made for his daughter to protect a % of his estate (and yours for your niece/nephew).

Why would you pay all the utilities / house bills on his home?

Sorry OP but a lot of this doesn’t make sense and the fact you’ve posted about it says a lot, despite your rather defensive stance to the majority of feedback you’ve received.

I understand people saying it's none of your business- but I do think it's a good idea to know these things in advance- so it doesn't come as a suprise- my concern as others have said would be if this expectation carried on and on post retirement when there may be less income around. I wouldn't do it to that level - but then being honest I've not been in that position to be that generous.

Whoah this girl's mother abandoned her at the age of TWELVE and disappeared to Australia? And she's somehow ended up a lovely person in a high earning job in a loving relationship with a guy who's got his shit together? This girl sounds incredible and your partner must be an absolutely phenomenal father. That is major, major, fuck you up forever kind of trauma. I would not be begrudging any help he continues to give her.

This is incorrect, if his will leaves everything to his child then that’s what will happen (unless the wife has a good case for contesting the will).
The spouse would only automatically inherit in the case where there was no will, and even then it’s only the first 300k (can’t remember the exact figure) that would go to the spouse, the remainder is split in half between spouse and children.

Wonderful post. Also I might be a little bit lesbian for you on the basis of that.

I think the two of you should probably work out your finances so that aspects are shared but you both have an agreed equal personal spending allowance to spend on whatever you like.

And if he wants to spend some of that on his daughter I think that's nice really. And his choice.

If he was taking away from family money you needed by doing this that's different.

But the pair of you are incredibly wealthy and in a hugely fortunate position, so honestly I wouldn't worry about it. And I doubt he will take it kindly if you raise an objection. And that will probably alienate his daughter too which you don't want surely....

Since they are to be married, I do feel that it is very much the ops business.I have heard far too many stories of unpleasant financial disclosures after the marital cert. is safely in the bag.

You draw the line at the point both parties are comfortable. OP isn't entitled to see the bank statements, but she is allowed to discontinue a relationship if the transparency is not forthcoming if it is an important enough issue for her. OP's fiancé is entitled to keep it private if he wishes also.

That sort of trauma isn't always rational. Provided that the partner was aware they had an issue, they were addressing it and were capable of communicating their concerns to me, it wouldn't bother me to take a DNA test in the scenario you suggest to reassure them their trust is not misplaced. We would both rationally know what the results would be and if there is an illogical anxiety in his mind that causes pain to someone I love and could be put to rest so easily, why wouldn't I want to settle it? It's his stuff, not mine so it's not offensive to me. If, however, he started repeatedly accusing me of cheating with zero evidence and refused to have a discussion about it, that's a different issue.

Whilst we shouldn't have to bear the brunt of a partner's baggage, it's naive to think it's not something we should have some compassion for if we have chosen to be in a relationship with that person. It is part of them - but it shouldn't be all of them, and it shouldn't dominate your relationship unchecked.

@Thereislightattheendofthetunnel

I thought he was investing in her fitness to attract a rich son in law too. And her health… but mostly for the cash cow that will take over and be worthy of her (and his investment of house etc)

Much like many will have their children attend private school, certain hobbies and certain universities.

Sad to say but unless she looks like a fit influencer (and has the background/wealth/career), it’s unlikely she would attract the big money hitters… unless in the happy event she is spectacularly naturally beautiful and slim as some are.

Agree with all of this @AcrossthePond55

You are spot on with “Grandad will do it” if she thinks the £1000 a month is bad, wait until he is helping to fund 2-3 prep school places, paying for family holidays and setting aside money monthly into ISAs for each of the grandkids futures.

@Anklie you really do need to be more realistic about this.

I also think you came on here expecting a unanimous “of course it’s unreasonable, she’s an adult and should pay for herself” and are now having a rather rude awakening that the majority think it is normal, reasonable, and there will be much more to come. If you want to keep him you need to accept it and basically pretend the daughter and grandchildren are biologically related to you to prevent resentment from building.

ps most decent parents are more preoccupied on ensuring their children’s/grandchildren’s security and education than pissing about in the Caribbean.

She's explained why. Savvy

I would 100% fund my grandchildren if i can afford it.
School. College. Holidays. Cars.
Wee bank top ups. They can have it all if i am blessed with grandchildren and the privelage of being in their lives.
I really dont understand not doing it if you can.
It is possible to share money without rearing entitled scuts.

I think @Anklie should be pleased that her partner is spending money on his DD. That he cares about her life. Sometimes, people's way of showing love (especially men's) is by doing this sort of thing.

There's another thread in AIBU where the OP is asking about whether she and her partner should invite their fathers to their wedding. Both fathers had affairs and put both emotional, physical and financial distance between them and their children. Neither father is likely to attend unless the new partners of each are invited (one of whom was the OW in the marriage break-up). The OP on that thread said that she & her fiancé have decided not to invite their fathers. Neither father makes the effort to see his children.

And the situation in that thread is not unusual - the number of non-present fathers is shocking.

It's very sad to read, but those fathers have reaped what they sowed. You should thank the goddess that your partner is not like that.

I do not understand why you will be using the rental income for your property to subsidize his share of the household bills. Being a landlord carries costs.

Why do this when he is mortgage free, you would be married and he has far, far larger income? Also, why marry, when you have already agreed to keep assets separate for inheritance, effectively deriving no benefit from his much more valuable property? Why not let him pay his own share of the bills and you put your spare money into your pension pot for when the time comes?

Why do you want to subsidize in this scenario when his spare income is used to subsidize another adult (his daughter), only to be left to "move out when he dies or go and live in a care home"?

I don't think this is equitable at all, not in a marriage with an "end-by date" I don't think the money he spends on his daughter is your business. But I do wonder why you seem to be so prepared to not prioritize your financial future for what seems like a pointless gesture if he is so well off already. Would you be a partnership or not?

These are the things I would think about before wanting to look at bank statements.

I agree that your post does come across as quite controlling but I wonder if it's because of your past experience with your ex husband.
I imagine it might have been traumatising to deal with his gambling problem.

But...but...but...some of the MNers here are nothing if not hypocritical. They will lambaste one woman because she and her HTB went through both of their finacials and TOTALLY overlook the fact that the OP is going to be paying all the bills with HER rental income. Not even a shred of women supporting women from some of the FFL MNers. Then, in the next breath, they lambaste a woman who DIDN'T know her DPs financials and leaves the woman high and dry when he "moves on".

Mumsnet is a hotbed of misogyny at times, because some posters just enjoy putting down, destroying and denigrating women.

@Anklie I still think it is a TERRIBLE move to use your rental income to pay both of your living expenses of the house. You will be the one who gets screwed in this situation if it goes ass over teakettle. Please reconsider and think of it being a half-and-half bill paying with you maybe paying an extra minimal bit towards your joint bills. You use your rental income for bills, what will you use when the rental house needs painted? Carpeted? New appliances? Broken furnace? New roof? Think many of those won't happen all at once? Welcome to my world where not only does it happen but the laws of three are alive and thriving.
You "wanting" to use your rental income to pay the joint house bills just screams of desperation or extreme people-pleasing.

Then that is what he should be doing. You should not be using or spending any more than about 50% of your rental income, saving the other 50% for repairs, damages, painting, replacements, etc. What you don't use, year to year, can be put towards YOUR pension.

I do not mean to be unkind, but your "idea" smacks of desperation to get him to be with you. You and he should be happy and satisfied with a 50/50 split. Then separate finances for your own personal stuff/upkeep.

I am sorry you are being blasted by people because you shock & horror LOOKED at his finances. Especially when these posters feel it's fine that he looked at yours. I think that is called being a hypocrite. I would never move in or live with someone if I didn't know where he stood, and he knew where I stood. But then, I am not foolish or a misogynist.

You either forget this, never mention it again or have an honest discussion.
Which might/will impact your relationship. As long as you don't feel your money is bring syphoned off to pay for his daughter then surely if its his money and doesn't affect you in anyway, it's fine?

STAY OUT OF IT. AGAIN. STAY OUT OF IT.

If your new partner has a good relationship with his children. STAY OUT OF IT.

You're not going to be financing any of this. SO STAY OUT OF IT.

Why on earth would you want to stick your oar in as a newcomer, taking over dad's life. SO STAY OUT OF IT.

You can all obviously afford all these things - which may carry a dad/daughter emotional "dad's always there to support me to be my best" - you don't know. SO STAY OUT OF IT.

You should be more worried about your pension, your future, your security. Get that sorted and you're sorted.

But above all, when it comes to a partner's relationship with his children - the only question to ask is if you can add any support or value.

Otherwise. STAY OUT OF IT.

She sounds v spoilt, the question is how much of it is down to her dad?!

Your last statement is a bit questionable - “I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!” Is that really your business? No, and neither is her general lifestyle or how her father chooses to fund her as long as he can afford it. I think he’s teaching her a lovely lesson, health is very important. Taking care of your mind and body is not a hobby.

The flat was inherited so she is in fact entitled to be there which seems to be a problem for you. Nothing to do with an ex's habit more to do with you checking what your partner is worth and not liking the fact he takes care of his daughter and wanting total control of his finances. Reading your other posts, if you are not happy with the arrangements he has made for you after he dies i.e. would appear to be none which actually says a lot, then you need to deal with that now. Personally I would say don't pay anything - what exactly do you gain other than cleaning duties blah blah. Otherwise don't move in and let them continue living their happy lives as clearly this has gotten to be a bit a bug with you. Either way, it is his money, she is his daughter and entitled to whatever he wants to give her - no marriage, living together is going to change that and nor should it.

It isn’t your business, I don’t even understand why it’s bothering you.