Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Ahh, just seen that an earlier poster had already mentioned the tax implications of moving into the partners house.

To answer the 'is it normal', no it is not. Help with rent or mortgage or deposit, yes, not funding what are luxuries.

Think it’s lovely he is doing this - life is so precious should enjoy spending his money whilst he can and can afford it

It is crazy and she does sound spoiled, but certainly not in the worst way, it's a productive thing the money is going to. He wants to spoil her a little, there are worse things.

You have your own money OP, try not to let this get you get up as it just doesn't affect you. It's not normal no but nothing about the financial situation described is "normal."

@Anklie

Fair dues - you have 'cleared it up' for me explaining what jobs everyone has.

For us poor people, it's always interesting to hear how the other half live.

In answer to your original question - no - it's not normal to pay for your 23 year old's gym membership etc. But then again, it's not normal to have £8k a month income for one person. If you don't mind, then I'm not entirely clear why you've started the thread. It couldn't possibly be a stealth boast , as you have been very open about everything.

Its very generous for sure. But you're absolutely right that it's got nothing to do with you. You will be unlikely to be able to influence it, and nor should you.
It goes with the territory when you enter a later in life relationship that the other person is going to have pre existing arrangements, and unless those arrangements are impacting your personal assets and finances, which its difficult to see how they could, given he can afford to do this while still bringing considerably more to the table financially than you, you really have no business involving yourself.
If it really doesn't sit right with you morally that he's treating his daughter this way, then you probably should consider if he's right for you. Because it would be very unfair and inappropriate to expect him to change.

How he parents his DD is up to him.
Keep your money totally separate, and do not get married. Money will be a source of friction between you otherwise.

So odd you know that much about his dd! I’d say myob I have an only dc and most of our income goes on them and I will not be stopping spending once they turn an adult.
she’s my absolute pride and joy and I get a lot out of making her happy and she is always grateful. Can’t imagine being judged for this as long as no one’s suffering as a result of the spending I can’t see a problem personally.

I know it's not the focus of the opening post but I don't understand the logic of you paying all the household bills from your rental income given that you both have property which will require maintenance (arguably yours may be higher due to tenant damage/ wear and tear). Plus the tax you will iwe on the rental income. I think you've gone too far in trying to be 'fair'. I would be splitting the bills in terms of percentages related to income, not even on basis of 50/50 as his earnings are double yours. You need to make sure you are protecting your own interests.

It looks as if that is an investment he is doing on her.

Different things can be taken from it:

• That he still feels the need to spoil his daughter after a disappearance act by her mum.
• That he is investing in her health.
• That by doing the gym thing she is a hot bunny making her more desirable to men.
• That by paying a health club type of thing the clientele there is likely to be wealthy as no working person earning an average salary could pay the 1000£ he is paying for her.
• The likelyhood of dating someone wealthier is higher because of that.

You can flame me all you want but this are the sticking points for me.

Whilst the daughter could afford her own gym membership and pilates, if her dad wants to pay for it that's up to him. With respect, its nothing to do with you.

Fwiw @Anklie I earn around 15% of what your dp earns, and proportionately probably spend a similar amount on stuff each month for dc's (20) hobbies/pastimes.y parents subbed me for various things until I married (and even sometimes afterwards) so it feels normal to me.

@Anklie

You mention your income + rental income and his income - repairs. Well, chances are you're going to have ongoing costs with your home once you start renting it out. You'll still be responsible for repairs & the costs involved in a rental 'turnover' and may want to use an agent/firm for property management. Have you factored that in? So yours would be income + rental income - costs/repairs.

I do think you're selling yourself a bit short here. And I'm wondering why he's so willing/eager to have you invest so much of your income into his home, especially since you'll never truly 'benefit' from the investment. Not saying you should benefit, I totally get wanting one's assets going to one's own legatees. But IMHO, with his income twice as high as yours he should be insisting on at least a 50/50 split in the bills. At least part of your 'extra' income (rental) should be going into your pension pot. At some point 'in the fullness of time' you may again be single and reliant only on your own income. And inflation being what it is, that extra investment in your own future may make a difference between scraping by and enjoying your retirement. DH and I are retired and trust me, I see the difference in the lives of those of us who invested those 'extra' pennies and those who did not.

As far as what he pays for his DD, I agree it's none of your business, for now. But if/when you marry then it may be at some point, if it begins impacting the life you want you and your husband to lead. And what about what might he be expected/want to fund for any future grandchildren? If his DD has a feeling of 'Dad will do it' she'll probably have the same feeling when it comes to 'Grandad will do it'. I'm not saying this is wrong if he wants to, but again, will there be a knock on effect on you? Can't take that Caribbean cruise because he's paying for little Hortense's riding lessons. Or can't buy that holiday home because he's funding little Horatio's private school.

And finally, life takes us to odd places. And marriages do end in divorce. Or death. You want to make sure you have your own bulwark against those things. And an ironclad prenup and ironclad wills. And I do think a 'breathing space' legally set up for you via his will should you be widowed is a good thing. You don't know how long it might take to remove the tenants from your property. Or how involved removing your personally owned items from his property may be or how long it may take to sort everything through.

Personally, if I should ever be single again I would never marry and would never cohabit. It's far too complicated. And I live where prenups have been codified into law, unlike (as far as I know) in the UK.

There is enough money. If he want's to spend some on his only daughter, a daughter who was abandoned by her mother, so be it. It is better than her paying inheritance tax further down the line.

I think many of us like to treat adult kids in small ways. (I know £1,000 per month is not small but it is relatively.) DD is still on the family group of phone contracts, she has one of our two log ins to Sky, and, this is bizarre, I have never got round to cancelling her teenage allowance direct debit. She does not need any of this, but I want to pay it. If we were short of money she would be the first to tell us to cancel.

If anyone asked to audit my personal finances, they'd be out the door immediately.

Just too weird. He can spend what he likes, where he likes. He's not accountable to you.

I would not even worry about it. If I can afford it and he wants to just let it be. As long as it doesn't stop him from paying the bills and paying for your own expenses holidays etc then its no worries. He wants to spoil his kid and if he can and wants to just leave him to it

@BettyBardMacDonald if you are sharing money it is reasonable.

As this is his only child it is actually a really good tax efficient way of passing funds onto his daughter to mitigate the dreaded Inheritance tax. He can gift money like this as long as it comes from his normal income and doesn’t adversely impact on his living arrangements. As many others have said it really is non of your business as long as it doesn’t impact on his ability to cover his side of the bills etc. and your life style. Take it as a positive that he has been open and honest with you.

(I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).

Do you not trust him then?

My ex cheated.

I've never looked at my current husband's phone or checked the bank account for signs!

I’ve been recently dwelling that I spent nearly £90 a month on my 8 year old daughters swimming activities. Thanks for putting it into perspective for me!

as others have said it seems a lot but also affordable for him and not impacting current or future lifestyle.

in going to take the plunge and treat myself to a gym membership now (£40 a month!)

edited to add: I think it’s fair if you’re both willing to do a soft audit on finances to see if you’re financially compatable!

Inheritance tax. If I could afford to, I would rather spend the money on my children each month as a way of passing my money onto them to avoid paying a huge inheritance tax bill further down the line.

Honestly, you do sound jealous.

If she works for a private bank in wealth management and she has any exposure to clients, I’m not sure you can say he’s paying for “hobbies”. The expectation can be heavy on a certain look for women (yep, I know….) so the PT etc makes sense.

The private members clubs can be really important for networking or client entertaining too - for both her and her partner. She may not be fully responsible for all that today, but it could certainly help her career (and earning power) in the future. She sounds like a smart woman and her Dad seems keen to set her up for success in that sector.

I can understand that she and her father live in a very privileged world and other people may feel the spend is frivolous. But it feels judgmental - and actually a little insulting - if you were to paint her as a spoiled princess by saying it’s excessive and not really teaching her anything. Especially as it doesn't really feel like your business as it wouldn't have an impact on your personal finances.

Not saying you're necessarily overtly doing this OP, but being judged by your father's partner really isn't pleasant (and it can leak out even if nothing is specifically said) and can really damage relationships, particularly as her own mother already abandoned her. And I can imagine a father having his parenting being judged by his partner isn't great either.

Does it matter if this is normal for other people? In my circles it's not normal to be earning what the lot of you earn anyway, so why does my normal effect his normal?
He is more than able to cover his cost of living.
He sounds more than able to cover his cost of luxuries and holidays.
He sounds like he enjoys providing for his daughter, and if he wants to provide for any future grandchildren then so what, as long as he can cover all cost of living with you I'm struggling to see what the issue is.

You wouldn't be asking this question if you weren't resentful of his situation.

I think if I was him I’d be upset you didn’t trust me enough not to go through my finances looking for evidence of me gambling 😳, it’s hardly getting you off to a good start together financially.