Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Daughter sounds 100% pathetic.

It's not right that you pay all the bills however much you argue you are happy to and your idea. Relationships shouldn't be this transactional

So what?

But you earn 230k between you so it’s like an average couple spending £200+. Well it’s less because most of your joint income is disposable.

Nrtft but I’m sure it’s already been said. She’s his only child, he obviously likes spending money on her and why shouldn’t he! As long as it’s not impacting your life and finance then it’s entirely his business. As for her not learning anything, that’s really none of your business.

Without sounding cruel, you don’t have children so although you might think you wouldn’t spend this amount of money on them, you will never know. I thought I’d be a certain kind of parent to my DCs, but I’m the complete opposite now I have them. If I could afford to give my DCs the lifestyle your fiancé has given his daughter, I absolutely would.

@Ilovelifeverymuch that's hilarious! My comment had nothing to do with whether it was a woman or man spending money on the child. It's evidently not a necessity but if one has the means, why should one not treat their children and make their lives enjoyable and as carefree as possible.

The "non of your business" very much applies because it's his money that he is spending on his daughter. I'd be very uncomfortable if a new man in my life questioned my choices on whether to substitute my children's hobbies. As a responsible adult, it's a decision OPs husband should be able to make for himself.

And assuming that men are crap with money is truly hilarious, that's a very sexist comment either way absolute no basis. Many women are crap with money too and get themselves into debt. You are so wrong on so many levels here

Yes, I was just thinking this as well.

He's obviously an astute man, to have got to that salary and to be saving 15-20% towards his pension. His DD sounds smart too, at her salary and area of work at a young age.

There's every chance that he's done his sums and figured that he needs to 'offload' a goodly proportion of his income each month to avoid it being swept up in inheritance tax when the time comes. If he's calculated it and worked it astutely (maybe along with his DD) so that, instead of just giving her a sum each month, it counts as his regular committed outgoings, then as you say, it really could come down to a case of either her getting this money now or the taxman getting the equivalent after his death.

All of the people going about a spoilt princess, presumably none of you would be calling her spoilt if she inherited a very large amount of money on her father's eventual death? Really, what's the difference between her having the benefit now and it being swallowed up by HMRC?

At any rate, considering how well she's doing in her work already, by the time she comes to inherit, she will probably be on a very high salary herself, and so won't even especially need the inheritance at all, even if the taxman didn't take a massive chunk of it. It makes so much more sense on every level for her to be benefiting from it now, rather than it just piling up in her father's bank account.

I have not read all the comments. This wouldn't concern me. The daughter is earning relatively well at 23. She has a partner and works. The dad can Cleary afford it.

It's a lot of money but he is wealthy and has one child so don't really see an issue tbh

Well then it’s just an assumption that posters have made isn’t it - it may have been the future husband’s suggestion or he may have very happily agreed and thought it was a sensible idea, which it is.
I find it very weird when people are in a committed relationship to the point of living together or being married and don’t know at least the general picture of the other person’s finances.

On the complete transparency of the finances, it's not unfair for the OP to need more reassurance if there's been issues due to secrecy in the past. And it sounds like OP's fiancé is happy enough to reassure her - another green flag.

It does seem a lot but on the other hand, it is a personal matter between his daughter and him. Keep out of it, OP, if you want your relationship to continue.

No, true, we don't know. However, OP said "I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband" - which suggested to me that she may have been the one to request/insist on it.

If OP's partner was equally keen/interested, we don't know whether he was just curious to know how much her mundane outgoings/bills were, or whether he too was going in with any specific suspicions or concerns that he hoped to rumble her on.

Building on the previous comments about intergenerational/combined wealth, we also don't know whether this is completely normal for his family.

His parents could have generously supported him financially well into adulthood - which could have been one contributory factor to his being mortgage free; for all we know, he too could have owned his house outright from his early twenties.

It's not an option that's open to most of us, but if you can get a foothold where one generation can set up the next one for life, and then it continues down the line, it can save many many years of interest payments and bring enormous financial privilege and stability.

It's not weird to want to know the general picture. It is weird to think you have any say on how money is spent though, particularly given there are no children together.

Where do you draw the line, though?

I know it's not a contingency in OP's case, but what about cases where men have been lied to about being the father of their partner's children and paid for them for their whole childhoods - later discovering that they were actually the result of an affair?

If he later marries/gets into a stable relationship with another woman - who has done nothing whatsoever to make him suspect that she's ever cheated on him - and then they have a baby on the way, would you expect her not to be upset or offended at all if he requested a paternity test when the baby is born, just to 'make sure' that she wasn't a liar like his ex?

Of course you’re right, renting it out is clearly going to benefit the op and you raise some good points on how the OP should protect herself, no one person can solve the housing crisis. I stand by my points about staying out of the daughter’s business though!

My point was originally in reference to the many posters who said they couldn’t be with anyone who wanted to look at their bank statements before entering further into commitment in a relationship. Not that anyone should have a say in how money is spent.

Good perspective from posters who know what is needed for a career in wealth management, these memberships don't appear to be hobbies, they are ways to get on in that world and hear about further wealth management opportunities (even maybe a bonus pipeline for some word of mouth referrals to the easiser end of private dermatology work)?

You seem to be suggesting that DD needs to learn what it is to "want for something". There can be useful life lessons in this but for someone who likely is going to live a life with well managed inherited wealth and a high paying career, how would it help to have parental subsidies removed now?

While I have nowhere near the income of your partner I’ve always put my (now adult) children first and will always help them out financially if they need it. I’m divorced so there’s no conflict but I would never allow any future partner to have any say on how much of my money I give my kids. They’ll get it all anyway one day so if I want to make them happy or help them out while I’m alive - why not?

@westisbest1982 I do fund all of her hobbies but she's only 16 so she's still at school. Though she seems to have lots of disposable income cos I pay for things for her! 😁 Never seems to touch her pocket money (which isn't huge, at £50 per month). I can't imagine funding expensive hobbies when she's earning as much as the OP's partner's daughter, right enough. But I would be comfortable with helping her out to have a better lifestyle.

OP, you are the kind of person who should definitely get a pre-nup.

He would be a fool if he got married again, as in the event of his death - you as his wife will inherit x amount.

and I am sure he knows that.

Even a very good pre nup may not stand up in the event of his death and a wife inheriting.

He can afford it and likes to do it for her, so why not? It doesn't affect you in the slightest.

I think it's rather nice, really.