Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Considering how much he earns I don't see the problem

Hi Op,

stay out of it :)
transparency doesn’t mean you can butt in previous arrangements if it doesn’t affect you. Unfortunately, you will just sound jealous or grabby. If Dad wants to pay for these things, why not? It is his money and she isn’t your child to raise.

good luck 👌🏼🌺

"Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband)."

Good Lord! You're auditing him, to check that he isn't spending any of his (VERY ample) money on something you don't fully approve of? He must be blinded with love.

From what you say he is spending at least 20% of his post tax income to a child who is earning. Yes I do find this odd.

Depending on the cost of flights it could be well over 20%..

Whats going to happen when he retires ?

It's amazing how many people actively dislike the idea of inter-generational wealth. As for those saying that he may end up being tapped for money for his grandchildren's education: how do you know that he hasn't fully planned on this and wants to?

Bluntly, if you have to pay for everything yourself, you are far more likely to struggle and end up paying a load of interest in your life. If a member of an older generation can pay it for you, you will be in a far better position. Everybody knows and accepts this for juvenile children, but objects on principle to people who are privileged to be able to doing it when their children are adults.

It's not a case of spoiling, because for families that manage to work things this way, the DD may, when she is older, start planning and allocating a large chunk of her income to her children throughout their lives, and giving her grandchildren a great start in the period when their lives cross over, thus enabling them to concentrate on funding their children and grandchildren. All of this without any bank getting a penny of their family earnings in interest.

We give our children lots of money when they are growing up (whether directly or spending for their benefit); and wherever possible, we usually hope to give them all of our money when we depart this life; so why is it such anathema to give the younger generations a financially privileged life in the in-between time, if you are able to, and let it all pass on down the family line and accumulate?

Nothing to do with you and it smacks of jealousy. Do you feel threatened or second best to his daughter? He can clearly afford it and as she is his only child it probably makes him happy to spoil her and see her happy now rather than when he’s dead!

I can never work out how you know all this about someone else's finances. How do you know how much the boyfriend puts into a pension, or even earns. It really is absolutely none of your business what her boyfriend does with his money

Just this

Apparently tho it is the Op that is insisting she wants to pay x amount, has said this more than once in the thread.

May I gently ask why, as two people “of a certain age” and well beyond procreation you are planning to get married?

Call me cynical but your plans sound destined to upturn two well organised and currently happy lives into potentially a future of wrangling hell.

It’s excessive big lovely for him to do this for her. It’s supporting her health.

My only thought is, do you have a large pension also?

You both might want to sign a pre-nup…

He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills

He is sitting pretty with the way you are both working it out. Please look what others are saying, they can’t be all wrong. You need to put a good sour for your future pension.

Sum

OP said “ Tonight we were going through our bank statements : we agreed to do this…”

It took me a minute to dig through to the relevant post. No, in cases where a mother abandoned a child, it is not unusual for the father to be a bit on the more generous side with that child, extending into adulthood. He's trying to make up for what happened, although I doubt he even recognizes that...AND, due to societal training, men tend to think of earning power/money as their main worth, so their "making up" tends to be monetary.

You have stated in no uncertain terms that this does not affect your lifestyle in any way. That being the case, I'd just let it go. And be very thankful that he can be so generous without straining the family finances.

He can do this for her and obviously wants to. He's paying for things to improve her health and for her to see his elderly parents. She's his only daughter. I think it's lovely. He can afford it and why wouldn't a father want to spend money on his daughter if he can?

I understand your don't have children from what you say, but if I was in your position, this would raise him in my estimation. I can't understand your issue with it?

Have you spoken to him about it? I suggest if you haven't then you find a way to deal with it in your own mind first. From what you've said it could come across as if you're jealous and at the very least it sounds like you don't have a particularly high opinion of her. Of course that's your right, but if he is the loving father your post suggests, his daughter will and and should always be the most important thing in his life. If that is an issue for you maybe you'll have to decide if this is something you can live with.

Are you the daughter?

Seriously? Marriage isn’t for making babies. Tons of married couples not of a “certain age””well beyond procreation” are childfree by choice.

If this was a man criticising a woman’s choices of how she treats her only child the conversation would go on a different direction.
Hes not gambling. This is None of your business. You sound like the potential to be the horrible step mother. Your relationship is with him. Back off how he is with his daughter. Don’t start criticising him for it. It won’t end well.

Stop being a hater! What she does with rich daddy’s money isn’t your business

I'm sorry but if you want to be part of his family now you need to realise this is something that was set up long before you and something he ahs been happy to do and willing to do as long as he has done. Its not your choice. He obviously loves his daughter and your opinion of her wanting to go from being supported by dad to being supported by BF is very judgemental. She may have come from a different lifestyle than you but this is your partner's daughter for god's sake. Start worrying about whether your going to get along rather than immediately judging her over what her dad spends on her. Money ain't everything and if this is what bothers you then maybe this isn't the man for you. You can't walk into a relationship and expect to push everyone else out of it. He's been quite accomodating about seeing his finances which he didn't need to do but he did do to appease your concerns of gambling, instead you judge him on his parenting. Keep out of what doesn't concern you and think about whether you want this relationship or not as it comes not how you intend to change it too.

What would the different direction be if OP was a man?

My DH wouldn't take money from his Parents because he wanted to be independent. We've brought up our DC to be financially independent too.

Whilst his parents have paid for tuition for DC, that's about it.

I think it feels odd that she has her own place (so no mortgage either!) yet is happy for Daddy to pay £1000 towards her outgoings for things she doesn't use enough. It's time he sent her on her own way - or at least only paid half.

But that doesn't tell us whether they both came up with that desire, or whether she made a big deal of it and he capitulated.

You can 'agree' to 'help the police with their enquiries', but that doesn't mean most people would be clamouring to do so!

Yes, indeed. Whilst marriage is an important protection IF you have children, it's by no means the only reason.

Even if you never have any children on the scene and, like OP and her fiance, no intention of sharing finances or leaving them to the other on your death, there are still other things whereby it's a way of nominating your 'agent' to act on your behalf.

If one of you is unconscious in hospital and needs the other to advocate/make difficult decisions for you, your spouse can do this automatically, but your unmarried partner with whom you've shared your life for 50 years can't. Similarly, when one of you dies, an unmarried partner will have no automatic right to plan your funeral or make other important post-death decisions, but a spouse will.