for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

I cant believe people saying youre "lazy" to want to finish work at 55! Do you have a private pension at all? I think you can sometimes access them at 55,but look into it first.Does he do housework/cooking the garden.You need to explain your point to him in no uncertain terms!

The age gap is the other way in our house as my husband is almost 8 years younger than me. I retired four years ago at 66, and he is now coming up to 63 and working full time, and looking at another almost 3 years until he retires (assuming the age doesn't go up again).
So while he grumbles a bit that he has to still get up and out for work every morning while I can have a leisurely tea in bed, mostly it works out. I do a wee bit more around the house, but he still does his almost 50% of the cooking, cleaning and shopping etc.
When it comes to finances we are still splitting bills and holidays 50%. If he had retired and I was still working I think I'd be a bit jealous.
When we met and married 28 years ago retirement wasn't even a topic for discussion, never entered our heads.

So the OP is responsible for the DH unilaterally opting out of work at 60 with no income and using her income to fund his lads lifestyle? Its not sleepwalking by the OP. Its the DH abusing trust which any of us might reasonably expect after 25/30 odd years together.

You may find that scenario LoL and be keen to load responsibility for DH's abuse of trust onto the woman but I don't. The only person responsible for DH's idleness is the DH who would know that there was little the OP could do about it.

It's possible the OPs DH couldn't get another job. It's very hard at 60.
No idea! Because all of that is irrelevant.

I remember when DGP retired back in 1967 .He told my Nan she had to retire too ,as he didnt want people talking that he was at home when she wasnt! She was really miffed as she enjoyed her little part time job .Times have changed!

What a fabulous bloke he is 🥰

Yanbu.

DH is 4 years older than me and we’ve long agreed that I’ll retire when he does. We want to enjoy retirement together as long as possible! You never know how long you’ve got.

I'd want the same if I were the eldest, for the same reason.

Lovely, as @beergiggles says.
But also wonderful of you to have that attitude towards him.

I think 55 is incredibly young to 'retire'.

If you can afford to stop working , then fair enough..I'm not sure I'd carry on if I didn't have to, but 'retiring ' is a strange way to look at it as a 55 Yr old.

Sounds like there needs to be a Frank discussion, because neither of you are being really unreasonable..you just need to tweak a few things so your DH can enjoy his retirement having put his time in, and you can do your final 5 years with something to look forward to.

I suppose it depends on a lot of factors like health, family, commitments etc. I'm 57 and would not like to stop work just yet, I'm not ready to do that and with DD off to university this year, it's not an option for us yet anyway. I am 4 years older than DH and our plan is for us both to retire at 65, so I will retire before him. I like working, but I imagine I'll be ready to give it up by then.

This is his private pension, presumably. He'll get his state pension at 66. You're in the group who won't get the state pension until 67. It doesn't sound as though his pension is massive - I'm a bit confused.

You talk about him living it up and going on holidays with the boys, but you also talk about belt-tightening. It's obviously not a pension two of you could live on easily.

It doesn't sound as though you have the income to retuire early, unless the two of you can enjoy a life with financial limitations. Lots of people do, but it's not good to feel financially insecure later in life.

Yes. But only in comparison to other men. The bar is low. If this were a wife it would just be what’s expected.

I think it's sad that it's considered "wonderful" that a wife has a positive attitude towards her husband! Surely that should be the standard. More and more I notice people moaning and giving out about their husbands. Do people honestly feel that resentful of their spouses? Or is it just not cool to admit you might indeed love them?

It's very tricky. My partner really wants me to retire to spend time with him doing stuff, but I am painfully aware that it would be a huge risk for me to rely on his money now. But equally I want to do active fun stuff before he's too old.

Those years after 60 are very unpredictable.

You're right to be cautious as health issues can crop up, some without warning.
One word of advice, I'm assuming you're not married to your partner, ensure that there is some form of life cover in place and that both of your wills are up to date.
I didn't do that and my partner died suddenly leaving me with nothing.

I don't really understand the point of people being married for one person to be living the life of Riley while the other one still works and does all the housework and they don't do anything together. They may as well be two separate individuals living separate lives. He is not bringing anything to the table.

@L0bstersLass The Op said elsewhere that she was a teacher for 33 years and left it at 54. She's now doin an admin type of job based at home.

She also said she spent a lot of time doing full time child care. So it's not clear how many years she had teaching (the 33 years will be from when she qualified but she wouldn't have worked all those years.)

And it's not clear if she was p/t or f/t when she went back to it.

She's also said her pension wasn't that great.

Teacher's pensions are quite generous but if she didn't work full time for years it will be lower. And she won't be contributing to it now.

I know women who retrained at 55- some as counsellors or similar and carried on working p/t to their late 70s.

Oh that is awful, so sorry. Were you able to work enough to support yourself afterwards?

Of course she's not responsible for his choices but she is responsible for staying with someone who clearly makes her unhappy.

Thank you💐
Fortunately I was able to continue working and I have a reasonable pension.
However my biggest regret is that we weren't able to spend retirement together as planned.

When we met and married 28 years ago retirement wasn't even a topic for discussion, never entered our heads.

This would not have entered my head 28 years ago either. The world I was brought up in people weren’t educated on future planning, you worked, usually in physically demanding jobs causing long standing health issues and you got your pension at the end of it if you were lucky enough to live until pension age. No one I knew growing up thought about life insurance unless you were lucky enough to buy a house, 99% lived in council houses. Personal pensions were not a thing in our quarters. Even now I know many people coming up to retirement age and not having a pot to piss in, because what is obvious in the MN financial world wasn’t at all obviously in everyone else’s world.

I was in my 30s before I learnt about pensions, retirement and what security I would need, and the only reason I did learn was because I ended up leaving the world I grew up in and found myself working in finance.

YABU. He's done the time, now he can enjoy his retirement.
5 years isn't long for you to wait

I do see your point and understand your feelings but all these comments about him living the life of Riley and 'whooping it up' are conveniently ignoring the fact that when HE was working, wouldn't you have been doing the same? If he was working at 20 that would have made you 10, so unless you were down a mine, I'm guessing you were living the innocent, unfettered life of a child? Your first line says it all; if you liked your job it wouldn't be an issue. So basically you are displacing your resentment onto him instead of taking responsibility for fixing the real issue which is you don't like your job.

You cant retire at 55 ffs

you could live another 30 years easily. or 40

so could your husband

Well, you should have done! My older husband and I discussed this endlessly when we were on the brink of getting together, along with the other aspects raised by the age disparity. We knew how it would be. He retired 12 years before I did (very recent) and took up a lot of the slack in the household chores, but also had a lot of fun with his hobbies. Maybe it helped that I enjoyed my job, and had long expected and accepted it to be like this.
Let us drink together, but not from the same cup…