for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

She wrote that she worked full time throughout her life.
Where is the equality in him contributing 40 (approx) years of work and her complaining because she may have to do the same?

I retired when DH did (he was 58 and I was 39) but we could afford it. I sold my house and paid off his mortgage when we got together so there weren't any debts. He was happy so that we could pursue our hobbies together and both be around for the children but if you need the money I can see why the older one would resent the younger one stopping and not contributing as much as they did.

Wow. You must have a wonderful relationship.

Why are people always looking to somehow drag down their spouses? Where's the love and respect? Why not support and encourage your spouse who has reached retirement age to enjoy the benefits. Why expect tol hold them back and stifle them until you catch up? If you marry someone significantly older than you they are going to reach retirement age ahead of you. Your time will come. I wonder why some people got married/stay married. If being married to someone annoys you so much go your separate ways, then you won't have to be pissed off that they're "off on a jolly" while you're working.

Well he gave up working 5 years ago and wasn't short of funds because he lived off the OPs wages.
Now he thinks she could continue to work even though they could live off his pension.
The language used in the OP makes it sound like he's controlling, plus the whole issue itself makes it sound that way so of course she should feel hard done by if he thought he could retire early and live off her but expects her to not retire early even though they could live off his pension.

There's no suggestion that she'd be complaining about them being short of funds, she said they'd be fine as long as they tightened their belts...or if he tightened his belt by the sounds of it because he's going off on 'lads' holidays etc.

I'm in a similar situation, and initially I thought, I'd never have to cook a weekday meal again. Hurrah. But it's not quite like that. I really like my job (changed a few years ago reluctantly) and work from home. I would have preferred being in the workplace, but I'm over that now. When the kids were younger, I earned much less than my husband. Now I'm the 'breadwinner'. I suppose I could feel resentful or even envious, but I'm trying to enjoy what life brings. Most of the time, it works. Give it time.

So you want to work 10 years less than him, retire and then 'share' HIS pension? Haha, a good one. Lazy and greedy both in one.

Well, if he can afford it, he can retire. It's not his fault he's older than you.

What did you discussin terms of your retirement plans in advance?

Btw, hands down, I've never heard anyone referring to a 60 yo man going on a 'lads holiday' 😬

He gave up work at 60 and lived off the OPs wages until this year when his pension kicked in.

Well, no he has not. Most people now have to work till 68, which I think monstrously unfair. If he has retired but expects his wife to go on working to provide for his lifestyle he has certainly got unreasonable expectations. I'd retire now.

AlltheFs · Today 13:07
How bizarre, I fully expect by husband to retire before me because he is older”

Well, quite.

He retired 5 years ago and lived off the OPs wages since then. His pension only kicked in this year.

But he retired early, at 60 - eight years early. Surely, if he values his relationship with OP he would want her to share in this happy time when both are healthy and able to enjoy life? My late DH wfh and I retired at 60, more or less (I did some p/t work). We enjoyed life together, my DH did not go on lads' hols and I did not go on girls' hols, we went together wherever we went. We had planned to have enough money, and my DH never thought that I should do something he was not prepared to do i.e. go out to work when it wasn't necessary and I did not wish to, because he felt the same.

And she'll live off his higher pension topping up hers when she retires. Swings and roundabouts.

@MrsPuddle I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen.

I believe that you are being unreasonable. Putting that aside, your DH is about 45 years too old to be going on a "lads holiday," and really no man should ever be calling themselves a "lad."

Before the change in the retirement age women retired at 60 , men at 65 which given the fact men tend to marry slightly younger women avoided this type of situation. I think there is a point for retiring together to enjoy life so I think the OP has a point which would have been less of an issue years ago.
I believe that people should do whatever suits their own situation - there is no right or wrong.

Not necessarily. No one knows how life will work out.

Either way, you said if he can afford it he can retire. He could afford it but only by living off the OP. So the OP could also 'afford' it also by just retiring herself and living off him!

Of course no one knows but that's a realistic and likely course at present. Would OP be able to retire at 60 just with her savings? Doubt it. Here is where being married and team playing comes together. I don't see the issue in them retiring at the same age and supplementing each other's retirement income at all.

OP is begrudging the fact her DH hit 60 10 years before her, but well, that's maths. I understand it's frustrating they are living different lifestyles but a discussion should have been had in advance about various scenarios, including saving enough to meet halfway. It didn't happen by the sounds of it and there was also a change in circumstances with the redundancy in which case I'm not sure what the OP is expecting.

I understand how you feel. Retirement is something that I always imaged to be a shared experience and it doesn't seem fair that you've been financing him having a fun time without you.

You have stuck it out 5 years which is more than I would have done! I hope he has been cooking lovely meals for you and doing housework.

It does make sense if he now has a pension coming in that you change to part time and preferably a job not at home. That way you'll maintain your current lifestyle and have sufficient to build up your own pension.

I agree with others that you can't be sure where you or your husband will be healthy or energy wise in 5 years time - this time is precious and it's understandable to want to share it with your husband and it would be hurtful if he didn't feel the same

For me team playing coming into it would mean that they try to work it out so they can both retire close enough to each other and then enjoy the time together. Not at the same age....

Just because a discussion wasn't had in advance does not mean that no discussions or new plans and new arrangements can be made now.
It's not uncommon for life plans to have to be reassessed even if both were in agreement at the start.

We don't know that no discussions were had either. Perhaps she wanted him to look for another job after redundancy and he said no no we're fine.

I know this is not directly relevant to the Op’s situation.
I am 68 and work full-time by choice. I also receive national superannuation here in NZ. This is a universal pension, paid to all at 65 regardless of whether working or not; not means-tested. I feel fully entitled to this, having worked non-stop since the age of 20. I have a small government-scheme pension (Kiwisaver) that I and my employer have contributed to. If I were to retire tomorrow this would probably last for only 2-3 years.
I live with my partner of 17 years who is five years older and fully retired, with only national super as income. He is still mortgaged due to splitting assets upon divorce, and more recently a business closure. I contribute a larger portion of our outgoings because I have the (much) larger income, and because we are a partnership. He has many hobbies and interests including voluntary work. The key thing is that apart from cooking which I enjoy, he does EVERYTHING else inside and outside the house.
My health isn’t great however I find work manageable. I was a secondary teacher for over 35 years and could definitely NOT still be teaching as it is physically/mentally punishing. For over 10 years I have had a good government education-adjacent job which is sedentary so suits my physical needs.
I am constantly being asked why I don’t retire? Depending on who is asking, I may joke – “What? More husband and less money?” (He’s actually not my husband.) But actually, it’s not a joke. I like going off to work each day. Though we are very happy, I think we’d go crazy if we spent too much time together (as happened during lockdown). And more importantly, I want to earn while I can. We feel too financially insecure for me to turn down a good salary just to swan around home seven days a week.
Op, my situation is not your situation. Can you see the advantage in staying in some work, either part-time or in a job you enjoy more or one that gives you the social contact you want? There is a lot to be said for some degree of independence.

It may be that he was paying for holidays with the lads out of redundancy pay but despite myself and several other people asking about this, OP has not chosen to enlighten us.
So the question remains, was he only living on OP’s wages or a nice amount of redundancy pay before getting his pension? Is that what OP is also upset about?

I agree @AdmittowearingCrocs , why is OP being so . . . enigmatic?

I'm confused by your post because your past posts claimed you already retired early.

MrsPuddle · 05/10/2023 22:41
Well I have just taken early retirement and I am so bored, with no real direction I would love to be 34 again.

Op are you writing a switcheroo? Did you retire early and you're writing this from your partner's view.

My dad retired at 55. My mum who is 10 years younger stopped working after 40 due to a medical condition. What I remember is how annoying my mum found my dad being home all the time.

I can’t imagine being at home with DH with no solid financial plan in place before I throw my job in. I want to know what the plan is for: Day to day, travel, moving to a retirement home, how much do we need for hospital bills and helping DC and hopefully GCs someday, just to name a few things on a huge list.

I think while you can earn it’s an advantage. Also five years isn’t a huge amount of time. In the meantime maybe you could go PT and take some long holidays together.

Good luck!