for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

Yeah I wish my diamond shoes were made of blue diamonds too, OP 🙄

There are a lot of odd things here @MrsPuddle

When your H was made redundant at 60, (5 years ago) did you never ask if he was going to find another job? Did he want to? Did he try?

Did you not have a conversation about finances and when you would retire?

You see, you chucked in your teaching job a year before that because you were bored with it all (even though it paid well.) Fair enough.

But the job you have now isn't doing it for you- it's boring and you're stuck at home while he is out with his mates.

So what is the REAL issue?

The fact you don't like your job?
OR the fact he's now 65 and has retired?

You were never going to catch up with his age.

Did you assume that when he retired - at 60 or 65- you would too?

Was there never a discussion about it?

It comes over as if you have both sleep-walked into this.

You either have to keep working for longer to pay the bills OR he can get some pt work too even at 65.

Or you could change your job again (you are still very young) and find one you enjoy more.

Or you stop working and join him on his holidays and everything he does that you resent.

I don't expect you will reply because when anyone asks you anything , you don't.

You only reply to the posts that show you an ounce of sympathy.

As some people have pointed out, by the time OP retires, DH may not be in such good health and she will have to care for him instead of enjoying her retirement.

I think if he gets to enjoy the benefit of having a younger wife who can care for him in his later years, she should get the benefit of a slightly earlier retirement.

Five years sounds like a good compromise - 5 extra years of work after he retired, but 5 fewer than the total years he worked. The other option is to go part time, say to 3 days, and then enjoy long weekends with him or doing your own thing.

As for DH's pension being "his" - it is no more his than his wages ever were. It is discussed at considerable length on MN but I think the general consensus is that a couple should share bills etc in proportion to their wages and then whatever money is left "spare" should be split equally.

I retired at 60, I just slipped in before the deadline and got my state pension at 61, my husband of course was due to work until 65, but he had been seriously ill, and although he fully recovered and was fit for work, we decided he should retire too, we could manage with my state pension, plus my small local authority pension and redundancy payment as a safety net.

I am so glad we did that as we only got 5 more years, before he died of something completely different. He only enjoyed his own state pension for about 18 months!
We had a lovely 5 years, travelling to art festivals, week long language courses, long weekends in our touring caravan, walking in the lake district and Yorkshire.
In your situation I would go as part time as you can afford, and enjoy some time together, doing things you enjoy.

My DH is older than me and retired five years ago. I can't retire for another five. I don't resent him, I resent the Tories for changing the retirement age. I can't change it unfortunately, as much as I'd like to so no point dwelling on it.

I agree with you OP, if you can afford too then you absolutely should. Life is for living and you only get one

My OH is only three years older than me but will likely be retired at least a decade ahead of me, thanks to his fab pension and my decidedly-less-fab ones. I know that if I want that to change, I need to start looking now at how I can improve my outlook. But while it will grate (because I know that I’ll likely still be doing the majority of the house and life admin too)…it’s my decision. Can’t begin to imagine how frustrating it is for you, though, OP - I tear my hair out already if I have to work late and I can hear my other half gaming upstairs 😂.

One thing that I think I picked out from your posts - your other half has started to draw his pension but you’ve mostly been living off your earnings for the last five years, is that right, @MrsPuddle? And your earnings will still pay more of the bills now he’s got his pension?

If so, it’s not just you that needs to drop your wage by going part time…maybe he needs to get a small part time job to help make up that shortfall - just because he’s already worked several years longer than you due to his age, doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t contribute equally. You may well be working part time well into your sixties too, to supplement your pensions.

If I got that wrong, apols…may have read too fast!

but you said you didn't take time out to raise kids, so that hypothetical is of no relevance to the situation you have posted asking people to comment on.

I was referring to cutting back on luxuries. Obviously. Because if your finances are so tight that you would have to stop buying clothes and eating enough then clearly you (as a couple) are not in a financial position for you to retire!

Retiring 13 years before state pension age is a huge luxury, which most people (including your husband) don't have. If you want this huge luxury then of course it should be you that forgoes other, smaller luxuries in order to afford it. Not ask your husband to give up his luxuries.

Yes, we are a team, which is why we discuss important things, which is why it's so weird that apparently you've only just realised that this is an issue for you and your DH 5 years into his retirement!

We aren't anywhere near retirement age, but I wouldn't be happy if, for example, he wanted me to give up having my hair cut professionally so he could buy an expensive new bike. Like I wouldn't demand he stops going out with his mates for a pint and gives the money he saves to me to buy a designer handbag. If I wanted a very expensive luxury that would be of primary benefit for me it would be for me to work out a way to pay for it, not scab off him. You don't need to retire at 55, it's a non-essential desire, so its for you to work out a way to pay for it!

DH is 3 years younger than me, worked with the council (in Scotland) and moved to, ultimately, SW. I married young, went to Uni in my 30/40's and started my career after that. He's 3 years younger than me. loves saying he's my toyboy. and retired when he was 60 as he had a better pension plan than me and, more importantly, had paid in much longer. I retire last year at 68 and we've had our differences. However, the financial side is sorted in that we put a set amount of money each into a joint account and he trusts me to manage it. The rest of our money is to do with as we please. We split the costs for holidays and take turns for buying dinner, wine, treats etc but not religiously as reckon it's swings and roundabouts. Works for us and I mange to be frugal enough to have a cash pot from the housekeeping fund for emergencies. I started a career much later in life than he did and, although it pissed me off to a certain extent, I just have to go with the flow and that's the way life is. I think you need to discuss the future with your DH and agree what you both want.

I agree.

But his pension pot is not 'his' - I have two female friends who have recently got divorced from their husbands and the projected value of both husband and wife's pension pots goes into the assessment of assets - in both cases one of the spouses had to compensate the other for a substantial amount because their predicted pension pots were bigger.

YANBU OP - my husband halved his hours 10 years ago because he could and it didn't make much difference to his income - he does a lot of work in the home and our large garden instead and looks after me very well as I still work full-time. We are partners and I simply cannot understand your DH attitude here. And I would make it very clear that you will expect the same number of years enjoying yourself after retirement as others have said. No nursing duties!

Something is wrong if he's going on lad's holidays and spending cash like there's no tomorrow.

But there's nothing wrong with you pulling your weight and working until you're 60.

So what's going on?

Even if you're working, why is the focus of any spare cash not on you and him having a lavish annual holiday? Or several mini-holidays?

And what happens at weekends? Do you get time off?

Does he pull his weight with housework? shopping? paying the bills?

Reading your post, it sounds like he's all but divorced himself from you and any responsibilities or shared life together.

So what's really going on?

I do think your DH is being unreasonable op. Especially now you've clarified that he's been living off you for the past 5 years. I think you do need a serious discussion about finances.

My H wanted to retire at 55 and live off my salary (I'm a fair bit younger). But this would mean I'd definitely have to work until 60 and possibly longer as my pension can't be taken before 60 (not without a massive hit anyway). So I've said no - he has to bring in half the bills either from pensions (they're not enough at 55) or from PT work. He's unhappy about it but I'm not prepared to support him to my detriment - especially as there's no way he'd take over the housework!

What about working part time say 3 days a week. Best of both worlds then.

State Pension age is currently 66 not 65

I'm 60, my husband is 70. I feel like he has earned his retirement, and am happy he is enjoying it.

And he does a lot more cooking and housework which is great

Hi op,

you keep talking about yourself and hubby as a team but you also really disagree with what is happening so didn’t you discuss this?
anything at all?
he just went in retirement and you didnnt realise he wasn’t going to be working anymore while you are? Surely you weren’t expecting him to just stay home waiting for you to finish work so what is it that has you the wrong way?

this would be helpful for you to actually act on your feelings. He doesn’t seem keen on giving you part of his pension. Did you at all have a convo with a financial advisor? 55 is maybe a bit late but he might help you to get to the same standing of your man if you are ok to follow his prerogatives.

good luck!

I haven't read through all the responses here but I can imagine people are being unforgiving of the OP.

Of course it feels unfair to her that her spouse is off having fun whilst she's stuck in a job she doesn't like. Anyone would feel like that. Also it needs to be appreciated that regardless of the ages within a couple, the couple should be on a similar page/path in life and I can see why this would bring issues to a relationship.

OP I think you need to go part-time (remember if you go down to 3 days a week, you won't take home 3/5 of your usual net pay, you'll actually take home more than that because of the tax free allowance, try an income tax calculator to see). If you were part-time I think you would have a pleasant surprise at how much more you enjoy your work time and your leisure time, I certainly do (albeit a bit stressful covering the work in reduced hours at times!)

This!!

I had the same situation, my husband retired early 50’s (I’m 11 years younger) I eventually retired in my early 50’s and I’m so glad I did. When I got to 62 he was 73 and had a bad stroke and I’m now his carer. If you can afford it retire asap especially with an older partner. I’ll health in retirement is not what you plan for but is more common than everyone thinks.

Reading your post, it sounds like he's all but divorced himself from you and any responsibilities or shared life together.

Yes to this.

It looks as if you've been ditched, OP.

I do think your DH is being unreasonable op. Especially now you've clarified that he's been living off you for the past 5 years. I think you do need a serious discussion about finances.

I am really shocked at these posts saying he's been 'living off her'.
Is this how you all behave towards your husbands or wives?

Couples who communicate and care for each other don't work in such mercenary terms!

We don't know what's happened. HE may have had a big lump sum as part of his redundancy @AnneElliott
He didn't retire if you read the posts. He was made redundant at 60.

Also, the OP may in fact have been 'living off him' for years because she took time out for their children, but maybe since has worked just part time - she won't say.

And she gave up a well paid teaching role (because of boredom) a year ago.
And perhaps isn't paid so well now. On balance he has (I bet) out earned her, even allowing for the time she took out of work.

But we wouldn't say she'd been living off him.

I’ll be 68, NHS since 2005.

I get you OP. We have a similar age gap and met in our 20s. We’ve had a fantastic life together. DH is now retired and has been for 6 years. I’m working harder than ever. It’s not really about money or planning in advance. It’s about being at two very different stages in your lives, which is completely at odds with the past and quite unexpected, even though you know it’s coming. It’s as much psychological as anything.
It was a massive adjustment for both of us when DH retired. I have worked from home for many years (having compromised my career for family reasons and because it made sense financially) I was used to having the house to myself. I found it hard when he was always there.
What works for us is that DH now works v part-time a few days a week using his professional qualifications in an stress-free but v well paid job, partly from home, partly outside of home. He can decide his own days and hours and can block weeks out at a time. I now run my own tech business. It’s successful and v busy. I have a team of 6 under 35s working for me. I’m interested in this work and not ready to give it up.
With my blessing, DH goes on a couple of big holidays a year with friends. I get the house to myself but miss him dreadfully. He has every Monday and Friday off to potter, read, do what he likes.
I am learning to delegate and take time out of the business. We went to Australia together in February for a month to see our DS. It was amazing. DH went out a week earlier them me and took DS climbing.
Every second weekend we head off to a very beautiful and remote part of the country for three days so it feels like a mini break. I keep in touch with my team remotely.
it’s taken time to adjust but I love our life now. DH will wind down a bit more next February when he gives up a strand of work. But tbh not working at all would be dreadful for him and us as a couple.
You have to think about your own long term future too. I’m pretty reliant on DH’s pension as it’s much better than mine will ever be but all money is joint money and I know I have contributed so much to our joint happiness, I don’t feel an iota of guilt spending it. If he dies before me, I will get half his pension but will need my own income.
My advice is to see how it pans out 6 months down the line. Your DH might be bored and looking to do something more meaningful than socialising - even if that is projects around the house etc. Give him his space now and be genuinely happy for him. Try to build in some flexibility or reduced hours into your own job and join him when you can. You have more power than you think you have at work. Make weekends fun socialising times for both of you and get DH to do the usual weekend chores during the week so you can both be off together.
My DH makes lunch every day for me which is a real treat. We get Hello Fresh which means he can cook an edible meal at night. We take it in turns but he does more cooking now. I did nearly all of it when the kids were with us.
We both do the same online crosswords, quizzes and puzzles and that’s a source of connection even day. We watch TV series together or read the same book so we have plenty to talk about.
I might never fully retire. I love what I do. But after a big adjustment, we’ve found a great compromise and we’re both enjoying DH’s “retirement”. Good luck.

First, we don't know because OP hasn't;t told us.

Second, being made redundant and not getting another job is NOT the same as early years SAHM. At all.