In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

We became step-grandparents a few years ago and couldn't have been more thrilled. As far as we are concerned, my son's stepchildren (he doesn't refer to them like that but as his children) are our grandchildren in exactly the same way as our biological grandchildren.

We feel honoured that their lovely mum has so warmly welcomed us into their lives and hope to do a good job as grandparents. They are children who deserve to have as many loving adults as possible in their lives, and the fact their parents split up and their mum now has a new partner is absolutely nothing to do with them or how anyone should treat them in the future.

Yes, they may get trips or inheritances from the other side of their family. I can't see what that has to do with me. They're my grandchildren, and they'll get the same trips, treats and future inheritance as all my other grandchildren. We wouldn't have it any other way, and luckily our other adult children agree wholeheartedly.

I do understand the argument that if our son and his now wife split up, we may run the risk of seeing the children less. But anyone who gets to the age of being a grandparent realises that life unfortunately brings the odd unpredictable loss. You can't make your own life smaller by living as though those losses are inevitable.

If it happens, we'll deal with it at the time. We refuse to diminish our joy in our grandchildren and the time we spend with them now in case something goes wrong in the future.

And in return, we are so lucky to have the joy of being a part of our beautiful grandchildren's lives. We definitely feel like the winners here.

Just because I personally would treat all children the same whether blood related, step, adopted or anything else is all well and good but the whole world does not work this way, I know these days it is popular for children to be in blended families does not make everyone treat children the same, parents must realise this people don't need a degree in families to know this, parents can stamp their foot as much as they want and cry 'but it is not fair!!!' does not change anything, it up to parents to navigate the children through the ever increasing blended family situation

I agree 100%. And eventually the 10 year old will realise that social things happen when she’s not around. Children don’t get to choose their blended families or decide that their parents divorce or remarry and it’s utterly shitty to exclude one of them or treat them differently.

Look don’t waste your energy.

You will never change these people.

I can see your point totally but the point is blended families are not the same thing as a normal family yet people get upset when that becomes apparent.

Your daughter has her own maternal and paternal side of the family. See it that way. This step family see it that way and not necessarily due to malice.

We have welcomed her into the family because we love our sister.

Exactly. I love my son and have grown to love my daughter-in-law. No way would I inflict pain on them by excluding her child. The fact that this child has a father and relatives on that side is completely immaterial.

Think of how hurt the oldest will feel if she comes back from her Dad's, having done nothing 'fun' whatsoever - and her little sisters are all "well, we went to a party and all the family was there, and we had so much fun!"

That's the start of the resentment wedge, because she's already been told that she's not the cousin of her sister's Aunt/Uncle's baby - her withdrawing after that nasty little aside? Was because she was hurt. Beginning to realise that these people whom she loves as family, don't feel the same way about her. That "othering" was deliberate and spiteful, designed to put a child back into their box labelled with "not a part of our family".

As a mother, I'd be drawing diagrams about immediate family (@ThoroughlyDisgruntled, her husband, their 3 daughters) and then extended family - everyone who thinks they ought to rank over a little girl and her relationship with her step-father and her sisters. Sure, she has a Dad and possibly siblings from him, too... but her primary family is the Disgruntled one.

If it were me, I'd vote with my feet... and if my husband couldn't see why, I'd ask him how he'd feel if the two of us split up, and my next husband/his family treated his daughters the same way that he/they are treating the oldest. Because I can guarantee that he'd hate it, on all counts. But I wouldn't be shy in calling them out over their exclusionary tactics, either. Willing to bet now you're aware, you'll hear a lot more of them, dressed up in naice words and tone of voice... but there even so.

Your daughters are sisters in reality, half-sisters in biology only. Family's supposed to be about more than just biology, surely? Otherwise, why bother?

Love this. As a stepchild myself, I can tell you that this will make a big impact on these kids’ lives. It really will. ❤️

So glad to hear that. They are the light of our lives.

Absolutely this. I couldn't look at a man who could have that view of a child that is a half sibling to his children.
Such a lack of emotional intelligence.
Lots of unrelated people are treated as family by people.
I feel so sorry for children that grow up being made to feel less than.
Your in laws sounds so mean spirited.
It's like subtle bullying.

Women would do well to think long and hard before they inflict this type of environment on children by having a second family.
It sounds utterly miserable on the original child.
Funny how many of these great men🙄simply cannot comprehend how poorly their family behave to an innocent child.

It's horrible and if your husband had any backbone he'd be saying either you're all invited or you all don't go.

I have three dc, am divorced and now have a new partner who I'd like to have children with. But it would be a deal breaker for me if he treated my existing children any different to the new ones. I can't change what his family do but I know he'd back me if they did this shit.

OP if I was you I'd be making it very clear how upset you are and how upset he should be. If he went without you with your dc he is putting his family above you.

I couldn't / wouldn't have anything to do with a mil that left my child out

“ He most definitely doesn’t see why they should see her as family. “

Well there you go. They take their lead from him basically. He treats her at home and in front of you the same as his children.

Outside of that bubble however she is firmly his step daughter who has her own father and family and doesn’t see why his family should have to play set of third grandparents/aunties/uncles etc bar being polite when together and presumably gift giving that she gets something.

You just cannot expect everyone to love your child as family just because your married in. Even biologically related doesn’t mean families get along all the time. You choose to blend a family nobody else did just you and your husband. Just like the younger children shouldn’t miss out on time with their family because again they didn’t pick to be born into a blended family.

I can’t believe they would arrange a big event like this and the only reason for selecting a date was that your DD would be away. That’s crazy, surely. Their priorities would have been to find a date when the venue was available, it worked for bride and groom and their parents etc. Not based on one little girl not being there. I’m also amazed they keep track of your custody arrangements, but then I struggle to remember what day it is so there’s that! All this said, it’s a shame they can’t squeeze her in but the truth is, that’s not your decision to make.

As for sil asking about cousins, of course she was just making conversation and letting your daughter know it’s ok to talk about them. I’ve been in your shoes and I do understand how protective we can be, but I think you are being over sensitive here.

Interesting take. And the holy communion? Were the in-laws all washing their hair that day?

Well, the OP herself says the family who didn’t come are not Catholic. It’s possible they don’t see it as an important event. As an Irish of Catholic origin living longterm in England, I did sometimes also encounter an entrenched anti-Catholic prejudice, sometimes also bound up with anti-Irishness — some people yakked about it being sinister ‘dressing little girls up as brides’, and some people appeared to have ideas based solely on the first communion dresses in My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and were surprised that in some schools, the children just wear school uniform.

Obviously, I don’t know the people involved, but I wouldn’t entirely discount explanations that may have nothing to do with the OP’s daughter being from a previous relationship.

I think its really sad. My daughter has no idea she has step family because we are all just family. She has 3 nans and 3 grandads and lots and lots of aunties, uncles and cousins.

It's quite short sighted and quite mean of his family as they are alienating her but will also confise their own kids and biological nieces and nephews.

your dds biological siblings will likely resent it on her behalf when the are older and realise she has been pushed out. Short sighted of SIL/MIL etc as SILs baby will wonder one day why she 2 cousins and 1 non-cousin because when they visit you surely they all play together and will lose out when your other two close ranks to protect their sisters feelings because she will come first for them over cousins

I can’t say id attend a communion. One I don’t really know what it is. Two since I don’t now what it is it would be rather hypocritical to attended such an event.

I mean I’m going to guess like a christening, but that’s normally done for babies not older children.

“ He most definitely doesn’t see why they should see her as family. “

Well there you go. They take their lead from him basically. He treats her at home and in front of you the same as his children.

OP this is the crux. And sadly it means he likely doesn't love your daughter, certainly not the way you do. I'm so sorry to say that. You need to do some serious thinking about wills and what would happen if you died. Would she stay there? Inherit more because he won't split his death benefits between all 3? Where would she live? What would her life look like. Sorry to stay that youv unvcovered a significant problem.

Surely she would live with her dad? Her actual father who she sees and spends time with.

Inheritance ops stuff split three ways and honestly the dh’s two ways. She has three children. He has two that’s life.

Google is your friend here.

But in fact you’re demonstrating my point. Some people don’t know what a first communion is, or wouldn’t attend one.

Away from her siblings and family home? Is dad on the scene?

If I had 3 I'd want them all to have the same and would consider splitting my estate unevenly to make sure that happens e.g. approx 70k to eldest, 15k each to other 2. Dh can then split his 100k 50/50 so all siblings get around 65-70k.

My point is OP needs to consider this and make some serious decisions.

Why would he love her like her mother, though? This little girl has two parents actively involved in her life. The most continuously good step-parenting relationships I know in my circle are the ones where the step parent is very much not a parent-figure, just a kind, interested, benign presence that’s not trying to pretend a parent role when the child already has parents.

She would presumably live with the other parent if one died, unless different arrangements had been made? She’s almost of of an age to be consulted about this, surely. I’ve certainly talked to my 12 year old about who he’d want to live with if Dah and I died.

She visits a her dad that’s the whole point of this thread. The in-laws arrange stuff for when she’s with her dad. How many children would pick to live just with their step over their mum/dad. Not many.

By leaving unevenly you can do more harm than good to the sibling relationship. It’s not just about the cash but it’s the emotions within it. That mum loved her/him more because they got more. I expect nothing from my father (step) I do expect my mother to treat me and my siblings equally though because we are all hers.

My exact point is that OP needs to think about this stuff and make those plans, precisely as you have done. Everyone has different expectations. My stepparents have always been heavily involved and as an adult I often text and meet them each seperately. Coffees or shopping trips with stepparents when mum or dad are working etc, going to birthdays on each stepparents side of the family, going to their kids parties. No one way is right.

And thats OK.

My point is just that OP needs to make plans Now she knows this info.

Of course but imagine two of your kids buying a home and one not able to. How would that help the sibling relationship?

And her dad might live miles away and mean moving schools, away from siblings etc if there was a tragedy. Imagine being ripped away from your family home because you're no longer family.