In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

I think there's a lot of middle ground between loving a child like your own child/niece/granddaughter and being horrible/treating them badly.

It's lovely if stepparents and step families genuinely do love them as their own. But I think it's also fine if they are kind and inclusive when they interact with the kids but don't see them as their own.

Adults should think of all of this before they decide to mix families.

These are all issues adults choose to overlook when deciding to pick a new partner once they have children.

I really think most children would prefer to live with their dad than their step dad if their mother died.

And the inheritance thing can happen both ways - what if the stepdaughter inherited more from her dad?

It's just life with a blended family, not everything is going to be the same

It depends on the individual child.

If the child has half-siblings they have lived with all their life and the step-parent treats them well then they can prefer to remain living with them. I know children, now adults, who have. Otherwise they have to live with their parent and their parent's partner plus children they don't know as well.

What does it matter FGS? I recently attended a stepchild’s Bar Mitzvah and I’m as Jewish as the Pope.

I guess you'll know for sure about the communion, if they make the effort to attend your other dc's.

I don't think anyone expects step grandparents to love a child in the same way they love their biological grandchildren - so much of that is about personalities, length and type of relationship etc. But deliberately planning family events for when the step grandchild is elsewhere , is just awful. It's not at all comparable to the normal step family stuff where a kid may miss something because they happen to be elsewhere , it's the purposeful excluding. Hideous people!

I'm not surprised they didn't attend the communion. Firstly they are not catholic and secondly they probably thought that it's not really their place to attend - it's a religious event for the OP's family and the OP's XH's family to come together and enjoy, not the new husband's relatives. I'm surprised the XH agreed to invite them all actually.

Brother-in-Law and Sister-in-Law have been together donkey’s years, they got married with parents, siblings and a couple of close friends. I wasn’t invited but neither were the husbands and wives of the others They didn’t want fuss
I believe that it is mother-in-law who is either paying or at least making a heavy contribution towards this meal.
Husband spoke to his brother last night, very much against his will although he did promise that he wouldn’t say it was me who was upset.
BiL could not understand at all, insisting that we could bring her if there was no alternative but as she would be with her dad he just couldn’t see the problem . He had been told by SiL there was no room unless someone drops out. She doesn’t want little one on anyone’s knees either as she’d become restless.
I don’t know what to do

Another thing is the other sister-in-law, not for one minute do I think that by asking my eldest about her cousins and was being nasty but it had the effect of my daughter realising this beautiful baby wasn’t considered a cousin and immediately shut down and withdrew.
If demonstrated to me that the family saw a distinction. No photos of her are up in the kitchen either.

Your sil and bil wedding speaks volumes about this family dynamic. They view anyone not blood as outsiders

Dorsnt mean you have to play along. I’d not even bother going. Let your DH take the kids and you plan something else

I don’t understand the extremity of some of these responses. OP your daughter is not being deliberately excluded from an event. In laws have just chosen a date that works for the people directly involved. It’s very entitled to expect them to develop their choice of dates around a step child’s contact schedule with their other parent.

You are minimising the value her father has in her life. If you dd sees him regularly then it is fair for your in laws to assume that her paternal family are fulfilling the role for her that they are providing for your younger children. They’d be overstepping if they thought their events were as important to your daughter as seeing her father is.

She’s 10. Of course she couldn’t be on someone’s knee. She’s not a baby or a toddler. Unless your trying to imply you’d bump one of your younger children’s places for the older one… which would be rude when they where actually invited.

No photos of who your eldest? At whose house? Mils? Have you ever given her a picture to put up. I mean again could be way out there but I wouldn’t take a random photo of my sons wife’s child and put it on my fridge or mantle unless I was expressively given it, or it also had the siblings in.

Why would photos of her be up at your MIL's or BIL's houses? Unless it was a groups shot with her sisters and cousins, obviously.

She's your daughter and you love her, which is as it should be. Your DH chose to become her stepfather, and should also love her. But that's as far as it goes with his family.

She's not your MIL's grandchild, not your BIL and SIL's niece. As long as they are nice to her, not unkind, isn't that fine? They are scheduling things for when she isn't around rather than being unkind and excluding her when she could attend.

Your eldest has a paternal family that has nothing to do with her half-sisters, and they have a paternal extended family that has little to do with her. That's the nature of blended families.

I continue to be stunned at the people who are defending OP's in laws. The child is being excluded, and it's pretty obvious based on the SIL and BIL's responses. The in-laws don't have to accept her as a grandchild, but they can at least avoid taking actions that intentionally exclude a child, especially from a family event where her sisters are invited.

Don’t forget the resentment this behavior could create in OP house. No child should be feeling second class in family.

Why would there be photos of her up in their houses. Yet again you’re thinking people should view your child as you do through your eyes.

This. It is mean to exclude a child.

OP, does your ex have other children? Your daughter will have a relationship with her father's family which will be closer than with your DH's family. It's only natural. If she didn't have a paternal family that knew and loved her maybe it would be more unfair, but I think as long as DH's family are kind to her I don't think you can expect his parents to consider her a grandchild-she has grandparents she will see with her father.

No you are still misinterpreting her question. She wasn't saying that the new baby wasn't a cousin, she was asking if your DD had any other cousins on her Dad's side, maybe to ask if she had held any other babies or had contact with any other young children. She was trying to connect with your DD. And there was no reason for your DD to withdraw or take a simple question in a sinister way at age 10.

The presence of a paternal family is immaterial. That does not absolve the OP's in-laws from treating her daughter with kindness and consideration.

I'd be more concerned as to why your DD found a simple question about cousins so upsetting that she felt the need to go quiet and withdraw.

Are you absolutely certain you're not letting your emotions colour things here?

The question about cousins was not do you have "other cousins" on your dad's side, as at least one poster suggested. The question was do you have cousins on your dad's side. I think that's a big difference.

I really don’t think so. That is overthinking to the extreme.

I think you need to speak to your DH about it.

I was the step child that never got invited to family events and it had a real impact on me that has taken years to get over.

It’s such a horrible feeling to grow up feeling unwanted and excluded, even as an adult and having my own child we were excluded from family events. It really did have a big impact on my relationship with my “step family”. I felt awkward seeing them over Christmas for example and used to get annoyed when my parents would invite them to my birthday meal etc. it was like I had to include them despite them always excluding me. I just always felt so uncomfortable.

It’s a really horrible position to be in. Yes families don’t have to “accept” step children but they shouldn’t be actively excluded. It’s cruel!

Decline the invitation everytime your DD not invited. Your husband should support you with this x