In laws won’t help with childcare.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Can’t work out if I’m sounding like an entitled little cow or if I’m actually in the right.

DC is 2 years old & has recently broken her ankle.

current childcare arrangement is 1 day my DP, 1 day in laws & 1.5 day nursery.

due to this ankle break nursery have said she can come in, but only if she’s not requiring regular Calpol. She’s absolutely fine, but is still needing some Calpol & is fine once she’s had the Calpol.

my parents work but have reduced to 4 days per week to have DD one day.

Father in law doesn’t work, never has & mother in law WFH. So when they have DD MIL is working upstairs & FIL is with DD.

We are struggling with childcare but in laws have made it very clear they don’t want to help out. MIL is on leave this week; & has said “ we’re going XYZ on Fridays” (day DD is in nursery).

i asked if they could help out with childcare and they said “well I guess we don’t have a choice.” But then 2hrs later said they had instead decided to book something so couldn’t.

myself & DH have had quite a bit of time off juggling this ankle break.

I understand that DD isn’t in laws responsibility but I just feel pissed off they won’t help. It’s not for bloody ever!!!!

As I said, I help out in emergencies, but I'm not sure if the OP's situation counts as that. It's short term, one day a week - it shouldn't be too hard to cover between them.

In this situation, I might help out, but I'd feel a lot less inclined if my DS or DIL started moaning if I said I couldn't, especially if I was already helping them with one day a week. That's a huge bit of assistance for them already.

Wow. Can you tell me what the point of family is? Would you not want to help your grandchild? I’m not sure why anyone here bothers reproducing given the lack of care and concern about their progeny.

So cut them off even though they do a day every week?

Could you ask these friends to help? You must be very close if they tell you such intimate details of their lives?

@slashlover

👏 👏

Brilliantly put!

You are my people!

@ChinaBlueBell wow the point of family is that they have their DGC one day a week, they do help out!

Yes it’s lovely if grandparents or any family for that matter want to help with your childcare but it should never ever be expected.

They have done their time and raised their own children and they are fully entitled to not want the stress or hassle of caring for small children again.

I find the majority of these posts shocking, to be honest.

I lived too far away from both sets of parents for them to offer help.

But I know they'd not have batted an eyelid if I'd asked for support when my children were ill and needed an extra day or two of their time.

They'd have wanted to help!

I have huge doubts about the whole story, being honest, as @WhatsMyUsername89 has given totally different stories about who wants what (which grandparents etc) and it's all very muddled, to put it mildly.

So there is a caveat here which is this is my take on it IF it's accurate.

I know that if either of my children wanted care with their child for an extra day or so, I'd be happy to do it.

The way I was brought up was that family mucked in and helped out.

I've friends who do a day or so child care (as grandparents) but when their grandchildren are poorly that often means another day as well- and they are only too happy to help.

The stuff about having already had that responsibility of raising a child and not wanting the same all over (as a grandparent) is twaddle unless you're asking for full time childminding, instead of nursery.

I'm shocked at the grans mentioned by the OP refusing to help and I'm shocked at posters thinking it's entitled to as for support.

What a sad world it is when grandparents can't give one or two extra days out of all their leisure time.

I live too far away from my grandchildren to offer care. I'd love to be more hands on.

But they are not being asked to care for their grandchild for an entire week are they? It's maybe for one extra day for a couple of weeks.

They have done their time and raised their own children and they are fully entitled to not want the stress or hassle of caring for small children again.

This is just awful.

70 year olds don't want to be up all night with babies (and some of my friends are grandparents for the first time at 70- they had their child at 35 and their children had a child at 35.)

But all my friends delight in being with their grandchildren, on a reasonable basis.

Ok good for you and your friends that you all delight in being with your grand children. That doesn’t mean it applies to everyone.

Grandparents can enjoy their grandchildren without wanting to be their main caregivers.

But this isn't about wanting them to be main carers, it is about helping your child because he is in a difficult financial situation if he has to take unpaid leave. As a mother I'd want to help my child, the fact that I enjoy time with my GC is separate to that. If I unable to help due to illhealth or other commitments I'd be giving them money, maybe not enough to solve the problem but I'd definitely want to help.

You've no idea how your parents would've coped looking after a young child, you are looking through rose tinted glasses thinking they would've done loads.

Mumsnet is weird! Of course you’re not being entitled. Normal families pull together and help each other out. They don’t watch family members struggle when they can do something .

It’s a short term issue you have and I think they’re being mean not supporting.

To all the posters who insist that, when the time comes, they'll be delighted to provide childcare for their (hypothetical) grandkids and can't imagine ever refusing such a request...

Things change. Many grandparents are in their 60's and 70's and while some may be in perfect health, fit and active, many of them will not be so fortunate. You may think that you know what your parents' private life is like but chances are you would be surprised at what they may be dealing with.

Your mother (or MIL) likely isn't going to tell you that she's suffering badly with menopause symptoms, doesn't sleep well and subsequently drags herself thru the day in a fog of fatigue. Or that you FIL is starting to show concerning cognitive changes that frighten them both but they're too scared (or ashamed) to tell anyone. Or that if they catch that "minor" respiratory illness that's keeping your child out of nursery they're looking at weeks of feeling very unwell.

So before slagging off all the parents and in-laws who aren't jumping at the chance to provide childcare, who don't "understand how hard it is", maybe stop and think that it's likely you don't know the whole story.

*What a sad world it is when grandparents can't give one or two extra days out of all their leisure time.

I live too far away from my grandchildren to offer care. I'd love to be more hands on*

You assume you'd "love to be more hands on", but in reality that's not going to be tested so this is all hypothetical. You might find it very challenging. You don't know.

Again, people's circumstances are different. " All their leisure time" is very dismissive. Not all grandparents spend their days playing tennis and planning little getaways.

I know myself better than some anon poster on the web.

You're assuming an awful lot such as never spending any time at all with young children.

Who said grandparents spend their days playing tennis or on holiday?
If they are not working, or caring for their own elderly parents, they do have leisure time to fill as they wish.

This is a really weird post.

Implying we don't know the reality is so patronising because you assume we've no experience of helping out.

My own parents, then in their 70s, looked after my DCs so we could have a few days away on our own.

It wasn't entitled and we didn't ask. They offered to be able to see more of them.

@SwingingPonytail It's "weird" to point out that different people have different circumstances?

It's great that your parents were able to provide childcare in their 70's and that they wanted to help you out.

My point is that there are a lot of assumptions made about why some grandparents aren't willing to do the same, and often those assumptions are unfair and based on limited information.

Why do people making comments like "remember this when they're older and they need support"? The in-laws already provide a day of unpaid childcare every week! That's very kind of them, and the OP's response is to slag them off (including mocking her father-in-law) for not doing more.

These poor in-laws. It must be so stressful (and confusing) having a son who's simultaneously in prison and taking time off work to look after his daughter at home. If your son was Schrödinger's prisoner, would you want the additional mental load of caring for a sick kid?

Exactly

Yea , true . I wouldn’t be doing anything for her . What a charmer she is ! Actually, I have grandkids who I look after when I can. I never say no to babysitting when they ask . I also help them out financially with lending money . Am I doing this for my future benefit in the hope they will look after me ? NO . I’ve got finances to take care of myself and they may even immigrate one day . So going by the logic what people say, maybe I should stop looking after them now!

Does your preschool have governors? I would suggest it’s time to email them and ask for the policy to be reviewed. It’s being used as pain relief, not for a temp etc.
Could you dose up your dd in the morning and then if she needs calpol, just go and pick her up? You may get half a days work done!

I love having my GC and me doing childcare isn't hypothetical. Some of us love having them, some don't but I'd say most would help in this sort of situation to help their own child. Most of us want to help our kids don't we?

The rights and wrongs of longterm childcare is different to this situation, a child has had an accident, parents have used up all their leave entitlement and are faced with unpaid leave pushing them into debt or asking for a days help for a week or two. To be honest with you I'd do it for a neighbour or one of the mums I see on the school run when I'm with GC. I'd hope someone would help me and mine in a similar situation.