In laws won’t help with childcare.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Can’t work out if I’m sounding like an entitled little cow or if I’m actually in the right.

DC is 2 years old & has recently broken her ankle.

current childcare arrangement is 1 day my DP, 1 day in laws & 1.5 day nursery.

due to this ankle break nursery have said she can come in, but only if she’s not requiring regular Calpol. She’s absolutely fine, but is still needing some Calpol & is fine once she’s had the Calpol.

my parents work but have reduced to 4 days per week to have DD one day.

Father in law doesn’t work, never has & mother in law WFH. So when they have DD MIL is working upstairs & FIL is with DD.

We are struggling with childcare but in laws have made it very clear they don’t want to help out. MIL is on leave this week; & has said “ we’re going XYZ on Fridays” (day DD is in nursery).

i asked if they could help out with childcare and they said “well I guess we don’t have a choice.” But then 2hrs later said they had instead decided to book something so couldn’t.

myself & DH have had quite a bit of time off juggling this ankle break.

I understand that DD isn’t in laws responsibility but I just feel pissed off they won’t help. It’s not for bloody ever!!!!

This sound familiar!

My retired in laws said something similar to this, but when it came to it and I tried to arrange them having her for 4 hours once every week on the same day, there were frequent problems or last minute issues that weren't really issues (like wanting to get the washing out before they could have her etc).. I twigged on that what they actually meant was they wanted her when it suited them, not when it suited me.

Once I realised I knocked it on the head, they do have her every now and again for me every month or so when I get a bit stuck with work, which they are great with, the rest of the time I let them tell me when they want her, it works so much easier that way.. but from a work/childcare point of view it is virtually useless.

In fairness they are brilliant with her, and I love them like parents, but I think the thought of doing it and the reality of doing it are two different things for grandparents, they are normally knackered after a couple of hours, I can't imagine them having her all day every week, so maybe your in laws want to see her a bit more on their terms?

Most of our parents had it much easier than us. A lot of families would only have needed one working parent (especially while child/children were young) and still used grandparents for regular childcare. Now most families both parents need to work, grandparents are often unwilling to help out and childcare costs a fortune

This might have been true for your family but certainly didn’t apply to mine. Both my grandmothers, my mother and all of my aunts worked while their children was young as the money was needed to pay for everything. My grandparents never did regular childcare as they were busy working

Likewise, I didn't, and I didn't have any mum friends back in the late '80s/early 90s who had regular child care from their parents. I'm always bemused when a multitude of posters come out with the 'but they had help from their parents back in the day' justification.

Your DD is in a cast for another 6 weeks but might not need pain relief for the entire duration. Try and test at home regularly if/how long she’s ok without pain relief.

I would expect nursery to make reasonable adjustments (have a family member come in to administer pain relief for example, or waive their fees for the period they’re not able to take your daughter). I would also have a conversation with work to see if there is anything that can be done (condense hours temporarily or work on a flexible schedule). Try and think of other solutions that don’t involve family helping out.

To respond to the original question, you have every right to be disappointed but can’t demand extra childcare from family members. To offer some perspective, if your MIL is WFH on days your DD is spending the day with them, it’s a really big challenge for her. She might be less productive on that day or feel torn because she’d want to enjoy her granddaughter more but can’t.

I'm sorry your little babe has snapped her ankle, I hope she gets better really soon and I send her big hugs!

Sorry sweetie, but I think you're being an entitled brat! Your parents have been kind enough to help you out but your daughter isn't your in-laws responsibility, she's her parents responsibility, nobody else's. I'm sure you and yours can take turns to look after her without in-laws help for a reasonable amount of time!

They don't have to help with childcare but, playing by the same rules, you also don't have to help with running around after them, taking them to medical appointments etc. in a few years time when they're struggling. My parents and m-i-l both helped us a lot when DS was little and boy are they ever getting their investment back in lifts, DIY jobs and shopping deliveries 15 years on! 😁

Maybe they don’t like your attitude.

I concur wholeheartedly, whilst she is not their "responsibility" . That's what families are supposed to do, help each other out.
Maybe my family and my friends families are just weird like that.

I'd never dream of not offering to help my DC in this situation. If my child was struggling to juggle work and hold down a job while GC was having a medical issue, what kind of mother / grandmother wouldn't want to help out? Of course you're not entitled to it, but it does seem really sad that FIL who doesn't work and (presumably) could help in this particular instance, won't.
We don't have any regular childcare from my parents or in laws at all, but when the kids have been unwell they've usually helped out if we've asked and been happy to if they are otherwise free.
Perhaps they had other plans and MIL preferred to spend her day off doing something for her especially if she still works and had purposely taken some time off for this - so I think it's fair to say no. But yeah I'd probably be a little miffed too if nobody wanted to help out a little the rest of the time she's going to be off.
I can see both sides but it's ok to feel a bit miffed about it. It's not the same as when our generation were younger and working mums were much less common and the mums did all the childcare and school runs etc while men worked. They maybe don't understand the stress of it or juggle if they never had to do it themselves.

Hope your DD is ok, and hopefully you could try see how she gets on without the Calpol at the weekend and if she's not needing it / not in pain without it, then nursery is a go :-)

This.

Your child isn't their responsibility, but as you say it is for a couple of weeks until she is able to manage without Calpol. And she is their grandchild - I know they're hard work, but surely you love them?

Personally I'd just let it go and never ask them for a favour again.

As an aside - why does FIL not work? Does he have medical condition which makes him tire easily? That could explain their reluctance.

I don't think you're entitled
I think you need extra help in a temporary situation.
And as for the " you should have thought of this before having children" type posts they're just being ridiculous. You have childcare in place. It's just not working at the moment. What would these people have you do? Just give up work? Live off one salary just in case childcare arrangements fall through temporarily.
Best of luck to you

Can you give her calpol before she goes and someone go to the nursery 4-6 hours later and give her another dose? Then she'd probably be fine until pick up?

If the relationship is that transactional then, since the grandparents are each providing a day of childcare every week, OP will owe each set the equivalent of a full day each week over however many years they end up providing childcare for. That could end up being an awful lot of DIY jobs and shopping deliveries.

As a grandparent I cannot imagine not helping my DC in such a situation . I never quite understand why MN is Di against asking grandparents to help . All my grandparent friends help with childcare.

Everyone will tell you YABU as it’s your child and you can’t expect in laws to look after her. But I totally get how frustrating it is. When I have my DC’s (18+ years ago) my parents were like “I can’t wait to look after them, have them stay etc….” and then it never happened. They only really help out if I am desperate and beg them, then they make out it’s some huge favour so I stopped asking.

It’s frustrating because when we plan to have dc we kind of expect some help from family even though we know they are our responsibility. Family often hint that they will help but then it doesn’t happen. I ended up having to work part time and using nurseries on the other days.

Could you give your daughter a dose of calpol in the morning and send her to nursery for half a day? That way you will only need half a days unpaid leave at a time? Not ideal but better?

ETA maybe your inlaws would be able to do the half day?? It may also be worth a shot down chat with your manager (and your husband his) and fully explain the situation and ask if there is anything you can do, you never know they may be open to flexi time or there maybe some paid leave you don't know about? Worth a ask surely?

I suppose families vary, I certainly had lots of help from my mother in the 70s and 80s, never had help from ILs. My grandmother looked after us to help my mother in the 50s, she had lodgers so was able to have us as that was her income and we could be in the house. Apparently her mother did the same when my mother was young.

Is it different in different parks of the country? Colleagues were always telling me I did too much childcare (SW England) on going home for visits to Northern Ireland all my cousins did loads of childcare with their grandchildren. Not sure if that is a great data but my experience and I wonder if it is relevant and in some regions it is more normal than others.

No surely not the equivalent, one set day with no help in emergencies. Not appropriate to change the rules.

@Mylovelygreendress
As a grandparent I cannot imagine not helping my DC in such a situation . I never quite understand why MN is Di against asking grandparents to help . All my grandparent friends help with childcare.

As do the op's in laws. They currently provide one day per week childcare for her. Her thread title is misleading and goady.

Sounds like a pretty hefty commitment OP is lined up for: doing DIY and shopping and giving lifts and providing care for a full ten hour shift twice a week for years on end.

@Mylovelygreendress specifically referred to helping in this situation. The OPs inlaws aren't helping in this situation.

They're already helping by having DGD for a day every week. But on this occasion, MIL has annual leave and the PILs planned to go away. No way would I ever have asked my parents to cancel a break and use their own leave to look after my child.

I think you're on thin ice here, OP, and you'll just have to drop it and move on. I can sympathise with how stressed you must feel, however. Take the unpaid leave and cut all spending that isn't critical for the month, or take a month's mortgage holiday if you need to.

I don't think DIY, shopping or petsitting is equivalent to childcare, and I am concerned you may be receiving the first hints that childcare at this frequently is not for them. You may want to start looking into how you can afford to lose them. What you DON'T want to do right now is piss them off by pushing them.

It's rough, but I also don't think you are entitled to any refund/non payment to the nursery. They have to hold her place and pay their staff.

Not entitled at all.

The problem with Mumsnet is that there is a bitterness about family helping out with childcare implying that parents are either lazy or tight with money and won’t pay for childcare.

Where are the days when grandparents found spending time with their grandkids a privilege? OP hasn’t planned the bloody broken ankle, it’s life and these things happen. It’s a temporary measure until LO is better. Grandparents should WANT to help out. All those saying OP is unreasonable, would you have the same view if parents and grandparents needed help in old age? As technically not their responsibility, not their problem and not entitled to their help. Family help each other, they should WANT to help, it’s a big circle of life and eventually everyone at some point needs a bit of support and yes that can impact commitments, routines etc but unless you’re exempt from that and think you’ll never need help in old age, everyone should do their bit out of love surely.

I'm not saying anyone is keeping a diary of specific times when we've helped each other out, it's just what I personally feel is 'normal' within a family. You want to help each other when it's needed during different phases of life. My dad retired early due to ill health and never replaced his company car so I did 11 years of taxi duty before my DS even existed. He's now gone and it's my mum who's struggling to manage on her own. It's give and take, part of loving your family.