To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

Leave the group… no explanation needed x

Why are you still in it?

@labracadabras because I am really good mates with the mums- we’ve been a group for 12 years - we have even been on holiday together. One of them knows what has happened but the others don’t know the full extent. Her son was the least horrible - it’s a classic case of pack mentality though.

Yeah just leave if it makes you feel bad. Something similar happened to me and while I never wanted to spread childish behaviour to my friendships I did feel like the mums of my kid's friends could have been more sensitive to my feelings. So I don't speak to them now which is sad, but better than the constant salt in the wound.

I wouldn't class them as friends!
I have not kept up with many mums from my DS' first school. I could have made more of an effort, I'm sure, but when the school illegally offrolled him after Y2 and the mums said "oh we'll definitely still invite him to everyone's birthday party" and didn't, that was the nail in the coffin.

How are you still good friends with the mums? Do they know how they treated your son?

I’d leave the group and ask your friend to keep you posted on any updates re nights out or meet ups if you’re still interested in those. The kids sound awful, your poor son!

I guess I was trying to keep my relationship with them seperate but it’s become harder I think. I also feel uncomfortable as I have to make excuses when there are big get togethers with the kids as my son obviously doesn’t want to go and that feels weird as it’s been a major part of my social life for years and I used to enjoy it. The group was actually meant to be for organising adult stuff but it’s become something else. I am angrier about it than I realised too!

@Dinoswearunderpants what a horrid insinuating post. It is hurtful when your friends basically dump you and you don't need to have MH issues to feel bad. And even if you do have MH, your feelings are perfectly valid.

@Dinoswearunderpants Excuse me? there are 6 in the group as it goes and it’s triggering because I am constantly reminded of how upset my son has been because of these boys. Is there a word you would prefer I used?

@Spinet thanks!

I'd leave, no doubt about it.

I completely understand OP, I would definitely leave the group but if you would still like a friendship with the mums, you'll need to think about how you exit - if you say something to the group first or via your friend.

I'm surprised they haven't made a sub group to talk about their teenagers social plans

@Doghairdoishare I know- I wish they had tbh! It’s just upsetting me at the moment!

Incredibly crass and insensitive of them to carry on like this in a small group of six. Nice people would have asked you privately how your son is doing as things deteriorated. The one you spoke to could easily have suggested a separate group for kids' plans.

I would have to say something. I'd then leave the group. I couldn't stay friends with parents whose children had ostracised mine and who then posted about how glad they were everyone was still friends.

But if the mum's don't know what happened, then they aren't being insensitive or rubbing salt in the wound, they're just ignorant to the situation.

If they are good friends of yours, they have probably noticed you / your son distancing yourselves, but are still putting things in the chat for when you are "ready" to join in again. As far as they understand, they're being inclusive.

If you really want to stay friends, you probably need to have a gentle conversation (without finger pointing) the next time you meet up without the kids. Otherwise the resentment will kill your friendship anyway

Yea when you put it as clearly as you have, it does really make me think about my decisions. It’s upsetting me a lot.

They do know to a point- but I haven’t wanted to rock the boat I guess. But it’s got to me more than I thought and I am more annoyed than I thought

Do the other mums apart from your 1 friend know what happened with your son?

Tbh if they're teenagers the mums might just be none the wiser, their sons might not have mentioned that there was a falling out or anything.

Definitely just leave if it's upsetting you, I would

I voted YABU- why are you still in this group?
I'd have left a long time ago.

I would leave. I wouldn't say why but I'd probably just say I've got too much going on. Can you just mute it?