To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

You can archive the group if you don't want to see the notifications and then make a decision later when you know if you haven't missed it.

I would leave. Some people are incredibly insensitive and obvious. How are they not aware apart from the one mum? Surely they know your son isn’t getting invited anymore?

Sorry your DS has gone through this.
Some parents are really insensitive and just love to give themselves a big pat on the back about what a wonderful job they’ve done and how special their friendships are whilst ignoring any fallout, in this case your DS.
I think in larger groups like this, there is always a hierarchy and I’m sure there are mums in this group whose children wouldn’t be ostracised like your son has been.
Leave the group, life is too short to be around people who make you feel bad.

@AliceMcK

this bullshit! Why are you persecuting Op in this way?

I would leave. This happened to me with my son and my heart goes out to you, because it's devastating, and it's also impossible to know what the right thing is. I stayed longer than I should have partly because I thought it would keep the door open and maybe my son would be included again, but he wasn't. I got sick of the sympathetic head-tilts when the other mums asked after him. I left shortly before prom, because I knew they'd all go together and there would be loads of photos. Eight years on I couldn't be prouder of my boy, who has more empathy and kindness than the whole fucking lot of them put together. He always, always pulls himself up and has another go. He has friends now, but is still marked by what happened. The other mothers know more than they might have you believe; they know and they have chosen not to help. They aren't friends. You deserve better. Try to look after yourself because it takes such a toll. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Ugh it sounds really tough on you and your DS. It’s so lovely that he’s making some friends and feeling a little better, and has navigated his way through it with your support. It’s so hard when friendships grow apart and the pack mentality means that one gets ostracised or worse. I hope that your son has met some lovely inclusive kids who let him be himself and are caring and kind.

I’d be tempted to mute the group, or just make it clear that you need a direct @Colourofspring in the WhatsApp group to any messages about social meet ups if you still really want to see them.

That being said it’s worth considering if you do.

Mumsnet is a very strange place sometimes. Usually, if someone mentions cutting friends off because their kids have fallen out, the poster will get their arse handed to them. But on this thread, the general consensus is the friends must all be bitches because their 16 year olds haven't been nice. Realistically, who has that much involvement in their 16 year olds life to know every interaction they have with friends?

OP, I'm sorry your son has been treated badly and I'm glad to hear he has made new friends. With regards to your friends,
I'd listen to what your gut feeling is telling you. If you feel like leaving the group then do, but if you'd still like the occasional night out with them then just put the group on the back burner and dip in and out occasionally.

Need to take a leaf out of your DS's book and make some new friends.

I couldn't be friends with mums whose children had hurt my child so deeply. It would also make me question what sort of people they are, to not challenge their children for excluding another child.

@hairtonup I don't think they actually know how their kids have been though.

I hope that's true but I find it hard to believe. As a teacher some of the behaviour I've seen from mums is shocking.

I’d leave.

The boys weren't 16 when they were bullying him and excluding him

I think this is a hard one, my DD was best friends with my friends daughter, they were born a day apart. They had so much in common until they were about 14, then everything changed they also live quite far apart. They still see each other and will chat when they are together but they have absolutely nothing in common. It has become slightly awkward as parents because we are really good friends but children change and find their own people and unfortunately my DD does not want to go to a party with hers, unfortunately it is just life. Slightly different that neither of them have done anything bad to the other one but just because they have known each other all through life they don't have to get along.

Leave the group… please and then find let them by Mel Robbins. It changed me. Let people show you what they really are then you decide what next. Yku a d your son deserve better! How dare they treat him like this. He will find and do better xxxx

When I was a child, I had a best friend from the age of 3-10. I absolutely adored her, we were very close and went on holidays and each others house was like a second home. She was a year older than me and when she went to secondary she ditched me. I hoped when I moved up to secondary we could be friends again but she just ignored me completely. I was honestly heartbroken.

My mum and dad remained very good friends with her mum. Sometimes the mum would be there after school having a coffee or round at the weekends. I found it excruciating when she there. She was very nice, but I felt her daughter had treated me really poorly and it felt so embarrassing to be around someone who I’d felt very close to through her. It felt like she and my mum and dad all agreed that I wasn’t good enough to be friends with her daughter. None of them ever brought up how sad I must be or how painful it might be.

When I was a child I thought I just didn’t understand adult friendships, they must be far too serious and important to bring up one child treating the other badly and risk damaging things. Now I have my own children, there is no friend I would be prepared to overlook this for. I certainly wouldn’t invite in a regular reminder of a painful friendship breakdown.

Ask that particular mum that knows if you can make a WhatsApp group with just the two of you.
Tell her you are struggling and ask her to ping you a text if anything to do with meet up happens in the main group.

Then mute the main group.

Definitely leave the group. They don't sound like true friends x

Leave the group, time to move on x

The mum doing the sleepover wasn’t aware your DS was left with no bedding? Did you address that at the time? Most people would make sure they had enough for all invitees or tell them to bring their own, did the other kids take his?

It’s a tough one to address with the parents because we can’t and shouldn’t force DC to be friends and also you wouldn’t want these parents telling these kids your DS is upset so that just gives them more ammunition to bully him.

I think I would have left the group a while back with the message that my DC is obviously not part of your DCs friendship group anymore as he’s been excluded so I’ll take my leave as well.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with people who’ve raised DC to make mine feel so horrible about themselves anyway. Teens can be arseholes but deliberately excluding and ignoring someone is bullying, especially someone who is supposed to be a friend.

Agree you keeping in with the parents doesn’t send a message to DS that you’re on his side!

As PPs have said, these parents must have clicked by now that your DC is not around and he’s not included in their DCs plans as they are discussing them on WhatsApp, and if they gave the tiniest crap after knowing him for so long, they would have asked you at least what’s going on.

They probably know full well but can hardly block you from the group without giving you a very awkward reason why.

Leave. I had to do similar when my DD friendship group started to leave her out from meet ups, were gaslighting her and then completely ghosted her over the holiday when she tried to meet up and were posting photos of them together on social media.The worst one was the girl she had been best friends with for almost 9 years. I have to see them still as they all go to the school I teach at and my daughter is still in the same form. ( she wouldn't join in skiving sports day, form time etc for obvious reasons) I had to unfriend their parents as I couldn't stand seeing posts of the girls on my timeline whilst my daughter had an awful summer) . We've both moved on and she is happier now without them.

It doesn’t sound like the friendships drifted. It sounds like they bullied him. I wouldn’t want to be friends with parents who thought that was ok. Just leave the group, you’ll soon know who your real friends are.

It's great your son has started making other friends, and I'm so sorry he had a rough time with the others who sound like a bunch of thoughtless feckers.

If there's one of the group you get on particularly well with, you might meet her alone for a coffee and mention that your ds was sort of dropped by the other boys and things were a bit nasty for him due to that for a while but he's doing fine now. You could also mention you sometimes find it upsetting that they share the photos in the group as you're remembering the hard time he went through with the others, but that you value her friendship. Then the ball is in their court - it may rock the boat a little but it sounds like a stressful and upsetting situation to be in.

I had something similar happen last year. Part of a small group of mum friends - kids all in same classes. We mixed both with the kids, helped each other out sharing lifts to sports etc and we also had nights out etc" My daughter’s best friend (both 10) from even before preschool befriended another girl(perfectly ok) but the two became really nasty to mine. -making school a misery for her. The mum ( very high power job and high profile locally) then started to cold shoulder my girl. My daughter really lost confidence - stopped going to sports that they were both involved in. I tried to discuss it sensitively with the other mum to see if there was any reason and she didn’t take it well. Challenged me in public a couple of weeks later etc. She dropped me and the other mums in the group started to ghost me too- WhatsApp group phased out/ no more invites for play dates etc. Very disappointed in one of the mums in particular as I considered her a close friend for over 10 years and I was also her client. Very upsetting but at the same time I have no regrets - my daughter’s happiness was more important.