To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

I couldn't and wouldn't stay friends with these women.

Why am I a bitch? I am firmly on the ops side. Her son is making his own friends and way in the world. This group of women are still arranging their son’s social lives and rubbing ops face in it. SN aside imo this is actually pretty weird.

The boys are 15/16 so why do their mum's need to arrange social activities for them?!!
Your son may be better off in the long run. His experience is developmentaly fairly "normal" (albeit very painful) but mums arranging their kids lives at that age is not. Ime

@Colourofspring

Don't doubt yourself believe in your intuition a lot more is there for bloody good reason,
💯 per cent,

This kind of group dynamics has been extremely detrimental psychologically and emotionally for your son,

It's usefulness and benefits have long dispeared like a ship 🚢 that's docked and gone away on high 🌊 seas,

It's holding your son and yourself back too

It's high time to move on,

Just cause it was good before it no longer serves a good enough purpose

It's weird that you are sort of unconsciously mirroring your son's behaviour and allowing yourself to be ostracised by a social media group of his bullies' mums. Maybe seeing you model standing up for yourself and setting boundaries will do you both good

Leave it. Fuck them. Move on.

I have been here a few years back. It took me a while to leave the group as I felt sad that I was losing friends but I did and have honestly never looked back. My one regret is that I didn’t do it sooner!
my son sounded similar to
yours and in the same situation. Fast forward 4 years and my son, whilst not perfect, has a lovely new group of friends with similar interests, he has landed his dream job (not highly paid but something he loves) and is loving life. Many of The others he left behind have been involved with drugs and inappropriate behaviour towards girls and not matured into good young men.
i wasted so much time and energy on the group and compromised my parenting style at times, really wish I hadn’t.
good luck to your soon, sure he will be fine xx

@Colourofspring

I 🤔 think you have just outgrown this group WhatsApp group naturally and are just stuck in rut,

as its so familiar to you and lack of cofindence and perhaps being too much of a people pleasing social conditioning had prevented you from ditching this toxic crap 💩 group dynamics thing,

They sound like this kind of group no great loss to get shot off well rid of

You be wondering once you are put of this group what took you so long and be relieved to do so

Just like a toxic friendship or toxic 🤷 relationship ect

@Colourofspring

They sound like a bunch of Arseholes to be honest

WhatsApp Arseholes society group. com

There is no way I would let my child treat a friends child or any child like you described. I don't think these people are good people. Time to reevaluate these friendships

Leave and invest in new friends

How awful for your son. I'm so sorry. People do behave like a pack - I've recently seen it at work, shocked the hell out of me so I left after just 4m.

I don't understand why the mums don't kniw what their darling sons have done. I think they need to know.

I have to admit I couldn't stay in the group if they did this to my child, I'd need to support him.

I'd probably put a final post up saying that you're leaving cos obvs your son isn't invited to anything anymore (explain about how he was treated by their sons) but if anyone wants to stay in touch to PM you.

Of course you should leave - you find it triggering which in itself is enough of a reason but equally tbh they do not sound like very nice or good "friends" if they have known and not done anything about their child's actions towards your child or you haven't felt able to let them know. Leave the group and put you and your child first they sound horrible.

Not the point, and sorry if it has already been suggested but if it’s Whats App, you should be able to Archive the Group. Then you haven’t left but it’s not all in your face, like it is when you mute the group.

After GCSEs, the kids will likely be organising their own social lives - I’m surprised the mums are still so involved tbh.

That really sucks, how hurtful

I think that is it. Ducking out of the group but do let me know about any socials

I wouldn't want to be friends with the mums of my kids bullies, and i would feel it quite disloyal to my child too

If they're real friends, you can talk to them about your feelings & worries re your son. They'll understand and be more sensitive to you. If not - well, they're not really friends at all, are they? If that's the case you can leave the group with a clear conscience.
You need to figure out which of the two they are

Dear OP,

Your gut instinct is telling you to get off this group so I’d choose one of these three options

1. privately contact the whattsapp group admin mum and say ‘I’m having a social media detox as I’ve a lot on my mind right now please can you remove me from the whattsapp group, many thanks , ColourOfSpring x

2. just remove yourself right now. No explanation needed.

3. if you feel you need to give an explanation then a simple message on the group ‘hey mums, I’m slowly coming off social media and groups on whattsapp for the time being , love Colour’

Dont stay on something that triggers you and that your gut tells you not to do. Think of your beautiful boy and yourself and screw the whattsapp page .. in the grand scheme of things coming off a group is hardly a biggie is it? Will it bother you in years to come? Of course it won’t .. if you can’t press delete get your best friend or family member to do it for you and then move on and forget all about it. X

i would not be in a social circle with anyone who treated my child like this or was a bystander to it. They sound awful.

Your child must feel awful about you putting your needs before theirs by remaining in the group to preserve ties and friendships.

At the very least, surely they would question out of concern about your child’s absence or enquire. Has he not been conspicuous by his absence? Horrid women.

I’m so sorry you and your son have had to go through this. Sadly there are no magic words that will fix it I think. I agree with the people suggesting a quiet exit and then get on with your life. Make space for better people. Tbh teens will be making their own arrangements more and more as they get older. I find some of my old mom friends still try to organise things and when I ask my teens they have their own plans already. It’s a natural change I think. And some moms just need a clique.

”sorry guys but I really need to leave this group chat, it was originally set up so we could all arrange meet ups for us adults, but now it’s evolved into discussions about the boys, I find it so upsetting as it reminds me of how badly my son has been treated by the boys and how withdrawn he became as a result… it’s been a really tough time watching him be rejected from the friendship group so harshly, and he’s only now rebuilding his self esteem.
I’d love to still catch up with you all occasionally though so please don’t forget me.

Then leave!

Have to add that I find it very odd that Mums are still organising their teenage sons social lives via a WhatsApp group. I don’t know anyone who does that at their age. My DS would be mortified if I started trying to arrange things for him and he doesn’t like me sharing photos of him either. The whole dynamic feels off to me so I agree OP both you and your DS are probably better off out of it.
I would say though that I wouldn’t necessarily realise if one of DS’s friends didn’t have bedding on a sleepover (although I’m as sure as I can be he would not treat anyone like that). If he’s hosting a sleepover these days they all tend to pile into one room, some bring sleeping bags and he knows where the spare bedding is kept. I might vaguely enquire if everyone was sorted but I wouldn’t check.

Or message your main friend in the group and ask what she thinks you should do?
If you leave without saying anything will the others message you? Or will they find it weird and gossip about why?

@MrsGalloway I don’t think it’s weird… if all the mums are friends then it would be perfectly normal for example to arrange a BBQ at someone’s house or to hire a BBQ area so the boys can buggar off for a kick around while the mums chat. Or if the boys all want to go to a theme park for the day … they can’t arrange and buy tickets themselves and arrange lifts… so the mums would jump on the chat and ask what date suits everyone, who will do lifts etc…