To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

If they are your friends then just focus on that and not your son.
You can't force kids to be friends, irrespective of the result on your son, it's not the other kids / parents fault if the friendship didn't work out.

If he was so much more immature / impacted by it perhaps there's some underlying stuff to get support with, as it won't make him the best of fun (understandably) and may impact his ability to make friends etc

They are in no way good friends if you can’t speak to them about the fact that their kids have had such an awful impact on your son’s life. If my child was behaving like this to anyone, I would want to know, but especially a good friend who I would expect to be able to talk to me. Not then cut me off without saying why.

They definitely know, of course they do. Have they failed to realise your son isn’t at their houses any more? Isn’t at any of the events, doesn’t get mentioned or included? Of course they know. Perhaps they don’t know the extent of how their kids went about excluding him but they absolutely know there has been a shift in dynamics and no one has addressed it.

I couldn’t stay in this group, whilst I agree you have to maintain a distance from the kids ups and downs to maintain the adult relationships, this isn’t just a little squabble, this is full on deliberate exclusion.

Time to leave the group, id be absolutely telling them why too. Whilst kids are under no obligation to maintain friendships they’ve outgrown, the way this has happened is just down right cruel. If I was one of these mums I’d be bloody mortified and embarrassed of my child.

Hope your DS finds his feet again

To be honest it sound like all the parents have been pushing the kids to be friends as it suits their social group, they did not necessarily all get on and your son as you said matured later.

You can't force kids to be friends and their treatment of your son was probably because they were told by their parents to include him and didn't want him there for x y z reason.

Don't take it personally not everyone will always get on - he will find his crowd and be happier for it

I wouldn't loose my friends over it as I would understand that kids don't always gel with others- you say he matured later so perhaps he no longer fitted into the dynamic?

It's ok not to fit into a group and move on, like I said he will find his crowd

I have mum friends from 15 years ago and we have stopped doing child stuff from around age 10, the kids are all different and we prefer going for meals and adult time

I think it's 2 choices really.

Stay but explain to them the full extent of what happened and ask they start a separate group without you to discuss the friendships they children have.

Or say nothing still - but leave.

I know that's easier said than done but it's best you part in honest and open terms if the truth hurts them (not that that's yours or ds problem) and they evict you or you leave in anger eventually because you stay in silence and it eats away at you.

I'm sorry your son went through this. But if they are good friends they won't be happy with their children's behaviour. And if they condone it they aren't good friends.

If they organised a drink next week for the adults to catch up, would you want to go? If yes, stay on the group to stop that door from closing completely.

If no, there’s too much water under the bridge then leave. I wouldn’t just leave the group though because that causes speculation and some of them may enjoy making up reasons why you left.

Every single word of this. Have they not even enquired how your DS is getting on now that the friendship dynamic has changed?

Presumably your son is aware that you still socialise with them? I'm not sure what message that would give him. Does he see you prioritising him through such a shitty and vulnerable time, or as keeping in with the mums who ignored him being ostracised?

Would there ever be a chance the old friends could reconcile with your DS?

@Colourofspring My son was a really slow maturer- Youngest in class .

At a school reunion years later he towered above the ones who looked big in school.

Leave that horrible group.. and don’t look back.👍

Put your son first.

Leave the group. They are not your friends.

Still leave the group but stay in contact with the one mum who you get on with.

I wouldn't want to stay in that chat and I wouldn't want to meet up.

I’m sorry your son had to deal with such nasty people. He’s definitely better off without them!
I don’t have WhatsApp because I can’t stand Meta, and I have found my friends just text me instead.
Those who solely communicate with you via a mass WhatsApp group are probably not close friends anyway, and I’d leave the group without a doubt. Any who really care about you and your son can communicate on an individual basis. Best of luck.

I find it hard to believe that none of the other mums know about the situation. They must have noticed that your son isn't included any more. They don't sound particularly nice people. You say that this has hit your son badly so I don't understand why you still want to be friends with them Also he might feel a bit betrayed that you are still friends with them. I would put a message on the group saying you are going to bow out of it and tell them why.

Thanks for your comments - it’s really useful to get lots of different perspectives as it’s so tricky to know what to do.

They do ask about DS for sure - he has made new friends and is just starting to feel better. He went to a new friends house last week and I was so pleased!

Obviously this is lovely great news for him, but it's sort of validating that their kids can act like dicks and get away with it.

It really does hurt doesn't it? You think parenting will get easier as they get older but it's the opposite x

This is so sad, I'm so sorry for your poor son. He didn't deserve to feel like that.

Well that's really horrible from the lot of them. After 12 years it's clear that both mums and the kids don't consider you both as friends. That is awful of them to do this while you are in the group.

This.

I accept that the kids can outgrow each other, but if these mum’s are clearly aware that your child is no longer included in the meet ups, so they should arrange those teen meetups elsewhere. The fact they haven’t, suggests they are insensitive to your feelings.

I’m in a similar boat in that my NCT group seemed happy to meet me individually, but I recently passed them on a group night out (was returning with my kids on a 16th birthday dinner out). One, who I thought I was close gave me a grudging hello and walked on. Was really hurt for days [okay weeks and yes there were tears] - now realise I have to accept that as our children grew apart, so did we and I was obviously being tolerated. So fuck ‘em.

Have joined some things, met new people via FB meet ups (dog walks etc), even met someone I connected with on here when we realised we were going thru similar stuff and must life near each other. Was painful, but I’ve moved on. Largely because I refuse to let them see how much they’ve hurt me.

I’d keep in touch with the ladies in this group that you like individually - invites for coffee etc - but leave the group. You deserve better, really.

I wouldn't be friends or socialise with a bunch of people who's kids had been horrible and ostracised mine. I've no idea why you're still in the WhatsApp group with them!

Leave the group. It's affecting your mental health.

I recently left a WhatsApp group where one person in it was bullying me. I literally felt a sense of lightness come over me when I pressed the 'exit' button.

Having done that, I set up a new group with a few of them who I particularly wanted to stay in touch with. This smaller group was very supportive.

But what on earth could the mums of 15/16 year old boys do to change things?

They can't force their kids to hang out with OPs son, it's way past the age they can get involved in teen group dynamics. Sure they could tell their boys off for being unkind twats, but that's not going to help OPs DS rejoin their group.