To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

It’s just not my experience, if mine need lifts from parents now they tend to arrange it themselves and I get asked by DS if I can take J and E and him somewhere if J’s Dad picks up. Similar if they want to hire a 5 a side pitch for example they tend to do it themselves (and then ask for money). I just think at 15-16 they don’t really need, or want that level of parental input in making social arrangements. The real point though is that this group of Mum’s are doing it on a WhatsApp group where one of the groups DS isn’t being included.

Absolutely this. I couldn’t have carried on a friendship with people who think it’s ok their children treat another child- their friends child no less- this way. I’d have left a very honest message and left!

Everyone knows how cruel teenagers can be, but if my son had of treated one of his group like this, I would have wanted to know why. This group have treated your son as their punch bag. Apart from the sympathetic mum, who I would explain to why you are leaving the WhatsApp group, the rest do not deserve any consideration at all.

They are not your friends. Keep in contact with the one who understands, sod the rest & don’t look back.

I’d say to them exactly what their “good friend” children caused your child.. and would leave the group tbh. Maybe I’m petty maybe I’m a mama bear when it comes to my kids. Would never say a thing to the kids but I certainly would say to the other mums you “share such a long friendship with” they are not your or your kids friends or they would have had words with their children about them ditching your DS by noticing they where no longer hanging out. I’d ditch the other mums they sound like assholes tbh

@T1Dmama

Why does @Colourofspring have to even say Sorry in the firstplace to her WhatsApp group?

They her so called friends don't care about her or her son 🙄 being bullied by their son's,
"They have become, are like Mean girls back in school days",

that's the issue her people pleasing ways to the detriment of herself and her son,

Personally myself if anyone bullied my son at all like that,
my loyality would be with my son,

her son must find it very Confusing and disloyal and distressing that despite him being bullied she still wants to keep in touch with them like that,
after everything thats happened,

That and the #Be kind 😇 bollox and bullshit peddle out

Be kind= code word for to encourage females to put their often valid emotions to one side to defer as often as possible, for everyone else allmost,

even if its detrimental to yourself,
to be allways be a people pleaser push over so people trample over your valid feelings ect,
another words the kind of female partner or wife that misogynistic men would love to have their dream kind of woman,

Cause of social conditiong =🧠 brain washing 💩 crap..

Does your son know you are still part of the Whatsapp group? If so, how does he feel about it? I might think that he could feel let down to know that his mom is still very much in the loop with the moms of the boys who were so cruel to him.
I know it's not a game of sides but to him, it might feel like you're choosing to put your friendships first over him.

Just realized that the PP (@cerisepanther73) had mentioned something similar to my previous post.. I totally agree that if I were your son, I would feel that you were disloyal and didn't have my back.

I would leave the group. Life is too short to have to endure this kind of situation. Besides, your son has been through a lot because of these kids. I'd probably say something before leaving, like your routine has been hectic bla bla bla, and then just leave. I've been in a similar situation before, staying in the group was triggering, and I just didn't know what to do. I ended up leaving, and I'm glad I did.

Although it may not be your intention , I wonder if you being in the group might even slow down his recovery.
I'd say cut them all out of your lives as much as possible. Your son doesn't need reminders

This is so sad for your son, glad he's coming out of the other side of it. I know as parents we can't force our kids to be friends with each other but being overtly nasty to someone is different and these parents should be ashamed for not acknowledging it with you. I'd leave the group, you can still maintain individual friendships without being in the WhatsApp group, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Leave. They are not friends

Leave. Now. These groups have an addictive nature. Try searching 'whatsapp groups bad health addictive' .

If you leave the group you may then start wondering what's going on, and it would be difficult to rejoin. Why don't you just archive the group so you don't see it but you can look if you want. They will notice that you have quietly quitted. And maybe have an in person chat with the one mum who understands. My daughter was bullied by her group years ago (isolated and belittled) and a decade later is best pals again with all the group except one - the original queen bee. I am still friends will all the mums except that mum - without anything being said, the other mums all seem to have dropped her subtly too. I think the other daughters all suffered in turn at the hands of the queen bee. We've never discussed it among the mums - time heals and life goes on. This happened pre whatsapp days but it's similar. Archive the group but stay in it so you don't get paranoid and so you can return if you feel like it from time to time. and warm regards to your boy - he is the better person and it may turn out he is not the only one affected. Some of the other boys may be drawn into something they don't want to me, and when they mature they will come back to him. He will be proud, in time, of how he has coped. And he will be a kinder person.

Is there a chance that you also question whether it’s disloyal to your son to remain friends with these women? Not saying that’s empirically the case but I wouldn’t want to be friends with the parents of kids who had such a detrimental impact on my son’s mental health. What would I say when I was off for a night out with this set? Just horrible for him to be reminded and often the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

You've been friends with this group of Mums for 12 years & never once mentioned the impact their kids previous behaviour towards your Son has had on him? Why didn't you mention it when it was happening? Have they never asked why your Son isn't in the boys social group anymore?
If they mention things in the group you could say 'I'd have loved for xxx to have been involved but with what went on back in year xxx with all the boys it's been so hard for him to have any self confidence & feels totally isolated from them all now' See what they say.

They sound like an insensitive bunch of mums - so it's not hard to see why their kids turned out like that. Think you would be better off, for your own sanity, leaving the group. Yes, there will be odd social things you will miss out on, but you can find other friends in other activitities (exercise classes/running clubs/book clubs etc) IF you feel leaving that group will open up a void).

I had a similar experience with my young daughter when I had to transfer her to another primary school due to unpleasant behaviour from the other girls. Even though I got on well with the other mums I didnt bother keeping in touch with any of them and moved on, it was hard at first but I knew it would have been harder trying to keep up a friendship based on the fact our girls were in same school/year and supposedly 'friends'.

It's up to you whether you want to explain why you are leaving group - I personally wouldn't bother, as it would look like you were trying to get someone to talk you out of it, a cry for attention. If anyone notices and is curious why you left let them contact you, but from the sound of it I doubt they would notice as they sound rather self-absorbed - fancy going on about how lovely it is their boys are such good friends - havent they even noticed your son isn't included in group anymore? Hope your son is getting his confidence back now.

I would also be wary of discussing now what happened between the boys and your son with the mums - if the mums are truly ignorant of how unpleasant their boys were they might either get defensive/confrontational with you or try to bring it up with their sons - when your son is moving on and probably doesnt want to have any backlash about it at this late stage, he just wants to forget.

This is why I think you would be better off extricating yourself altogether from that friendship group altogether and moving on, find new friends where you can find other things in common other than your children.