To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

Even though this was in the past it's still niggling away at you OP. Therefore on this basis I'd have to leave the group, tell them why, and end the friendships. It's awful as a mother to see your child being treated this way and the impact it has had on him.

Glad things are now looking up for your DS. He'll be fine with your support, you sound like a good Mum x

If I wanted to stay friends with the mums I’d say “I think this group is more for arranging things for the teens and I know dc isn’t part of that group anymore so I’ll leave but this one, but I’m sure we can still keep in touch. Please let me know if the adults are meeting up.”

or, if you don’t care so much, say “I am going to leave this group. I watched your children destroy my child’s confidence last year and it turns out that isn’t something I can move on from.”

So your upset because it’s now effecting you and your social life, but you were quite happy to stay in the group when his world was crumbling around him.

Your his mother, you’ve chosen to try and save your friendship group over sticking up for your child.

id be saying actually no they aren’t still friends, the way your precious sons have turned on my son is not what friends do. You have no idea what my son has gone though because of this. Sadly I can no longer sit by seeing you all acting like my child isn’t excluded from everything so I am leaving the group.

I'd so badly want to say something. I'm not sure if it's best to say or best to leave it though.

I'd possibly consider saying something like.

Hi all, I'm going to be leaving this group. I was unsure whether to say anything or sneak off quietly but decided the latter might be frustrating for you all and a quick explanation was perhaps better. I'm not sure to what extent each of you know about how things have played out for DS in this group over the last year, but the bottom line is he's found it very tough and there has been a lot of emotional fall out. I'm at the point now where I feel I need to step away and be give him all my focus. I've very much appreciated all the friendship and support through the years. All the best to each of you.

Then leave.

I’ll add I have a teen dc doing GCSEs and she’s only just found her tribe who truly accept her. Some kids are horrible and I hate to say, most parents seem delighted their dc is the bully rather than the one being bullied and turn a blind eye.

I couldn't be in that group with those photos etc. and I wouldn't exactly force my teen to stay friends with someone as kids do grow apart I guess bit for gods sake if it was a social event organised as part of the group
Outside school I wouldn't leave a kid out. And post group pictures with you in it.

The thing is, it’s really weird to have a mums group chat where stuff gets arranged / photos go up of all the children except one. Why are they not embarrassed? Even if they don’t know the exact details of how or why their sons dropped the OP’s son.

I’m quite surprised you didn’t talk to these supposed friends about the way their kids were ostracising your son, and that you’re still friends with them now and ‘haven’t wanted to rock the boat’ by talking about it. I’m not sure that’s the course of action I’d have chosen.

I actually agree with this ^ they probably know some facts but they don’t know how it’s affected your son. As far as they are concerned they continue to invite him and you decline again and again so they do everything they can.
I think if they knew everything they would create a separate group.
I don’t know how serious your friendship is but it’s probably not if you didn’t tell them what’s happened. I would drop any mum if her child was horrible to my child as a hot potato. I’d stay polite of course but that’s about it.

I have been through this twice with secondary aged kids. I end my friendships with the adults when their kids are cruel to mine. Because I just cannot believe that the parents don’t know what’s going on, and therefore they clearly condone the treatment of my kids which shows them as cruel people with poor morals and I have no interest in being friends with those types of people.

Leave the group OP. You should’ve done so many years ago. It is crass that they share photos etc knowing that your son was ousted from the group.

Just leave the group. It's very empowering :-)

My son is shy, quiet and sensitive and was in a class of sporty alpha boys. There was a boys class whstsapp group but all social plans for the children were in the sports club group. My poor son was excluded from lots of meet ups. They went to high school and all mixed up into different forms

My son has met a couple of nice new friends and is settled. I still keep in touch with a couple of lovely mums who did encourage friendships when my son was struggling. Otherwise I left every single group and blocked a few on fb too.

It's not that you fallen out with the group, it's just that I don't need this interaction any more. If it's not positive, why bother?

You say you’ve muted it but did you know you can also archive groups too? That way you shave even less awareness of them when using the app but are still technically there…

Quite! If my friends’ children treated my child like that I would expect them to wholeheartedly apologise on their child’s behalf, give their child a good talking to and, at the very least, not rub my nose in their children’s continuing relationships.

I would also consider myself my child’s mother before I considered myself a friend of these people. How would your child feel if they found out that you were still pally with the parents of children who treated him so badly and were basically acting like nothing had happened. Surely he would feel betrayed?

I have a group of school mums that all have sons, I have a daughter, so as they got older they went in different directions. The easy way to leave that group is to set up a different one, organise a coffee morning/lunch/night out but give it a name. Send out invites tru it and not the usual group. Then mute the old group and use the new one to communicate tru.
It worked for me

I would perhaps focus on making new friends, rather than dumping the old ones. Just to move on, evolve? Maybe some mixed friends, including both men and women, with children or not, volunteers, people who share your passions and interests as opposed to 'mums'.
It's a hard wedge to push oneself into a lot of the time and can limit diversity.

Grant yourself the freedom to simply move on to pastures new. You don't have to burn bridges, it doesn't have to be 'either/or'. I would imagine your confidence would grow this way and your attention could embrace new things.

It is healthy to move on from the past. Life and relationships can become stale, or not as vital for us over time, this is only natural, so it doesn't have ot be a negative thing at all.

Good luck.

Maybe try to stay because they are your friends.
Maybe it’s ok to disconnect yourself from son & his social life.
I am friends w a mum - our daughters used to be friends, but aren’t. We just “don’t go there” when we get together. I would miss her.

We both feel awkward, neither of us is to blame for kids not being friends.

I think it depends.

If they bullied him and were nasty to him - then I couldn’t help but to leave the group.

But if they simply outgrew him and they’re now not friends, which happens regularly with young people, then I wouldn’t leave the group.

This time next year half of the kids probably won’t be part of the same friendship group.
As when they are in college they will mix with other people.

If this is upsetting you, then absolutely leave the group.

But it seems a shame because these women are not their sons and kids friendships will come and go.

If you like these women then it’s sad you have to fall out with them and forgo the social side of it, just because your DS doesn’t hang around with their kids anymore.

It’s very difficult to make mum friends and if it was me personally, I would distance myself and not read the chat as often but not give it up completely.

I wouldn't want to stay in the group. Hard to say what you should do, OP. They probably know on some level what happened with your son so they won't be amazed if you disappear.

Hope your son can move on.

Your friends sound like a coven of witches. I would leave them to get on with it as one by one their kids will be dropped.

Leave the group but message the ones individually who you get on with? Mind as they are doing gcses the mum involvement with arrangements must surely be massively reduced so you might find it ends up being more general chat anyway.

Think about each member of the group and decide if you want to keep them in your life.
Leave the group and keep up with the people you actually like, individually.

Could you set up a new group for mums' socialising and leave the other group. If you don't want to say exactly why, and they may have a different view on what went on anyway (your son's experience sounds horrible and hope he feels better), then just say as your DS hasn't been part of the meet-ups for quite some time, it would be great if you can have a separate group for just mum's dates. Easier to keep track of as well.

Really difficult OP. I’m still friends with a group of Mums from primary school and not all of our 15 year olds are really close friends anymore. One in particular who my DS was very close to moved groups. I spoke to my DS about it at the time and asked if there had been a fall out. His view was that the friend was being a bit of dick, asking to copy homework all the time, big fan of Andrew Tate, saying some fairly awful stuff about girls so he deliberately distanced himself. I suspect his Mum might have a different view of it all though but neither of us have ever raised it. I definitely don’t put stuff about my DS’s social life on the group chat though or talk about who he’s been hanging around with because I sense she might find it a bit painful as I get the sense her DS is quite isolated. We’ve stayed good friends.

If the WhatsApp is upsetting you then I would say leave, I can’t really think of a good explanation for why they wouldn’t consider the insensitivity but maybe it’s worth explaining how you feel if you value their friendship.

Are you good friends with or two of the mums separately....I'd leave the group.. honestly leave it but ask to be informed by the one of two of the better friends of any big get togethers... although tbh I'd walk mostly from the group..deep down you know what you should do .. follow your gut..

It sounds like they are still including your son and don't know why he's not attending?

In that case I would just let them know what happened.

Leaving him sleeping on the floor with nothing would have made me livid.

They might be awful people who don't care, but you say they still ask about your son.

They also might be nice people whose kids are going through an asshole stage and would appreciate some honesty about what happened.

I'd communicate the situation clearly. Their reaction will tell you what you need to know.