To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

Does your son know that you are still friends with the mums of the guys that ostracised him? Obviously he can’t tell you who to be friends with but I think it would sting a bit for me if I was him

leave the group. if anyone of them are genuinely interested in your friendship they will text and ask what happened, and you can have a separate chat with them so it is not you against a group of people who will very likely minimise their kids involvement, it will be a losing game. If they dont ask what happened, you weren’t friends to begin with anyway.

I think if I was in your position, I would step away from this friendship. That being said, the other mums cannot force their children to include your son.

I wouldn't end my friendship with these women if they are good friends and an important part of your own social life. They will have had very limited control over the way their DSs treated yours as at that age, peers wield way more influence than mums. Its not entirely clear what the boys did to DS, and what they failed to address though. If they stood by and knowingly allowed serious bullying to go unchecked, its different from not stepping in to prevent your son being excluded, as you cant force your DC to include people.
Also, as awful as this was for your DS, in a few short years he is going to be off and away finding new friends and hopefully not giving these boys a second thought. Meanwhile you will have given up your friends over it.

OP, I’ve been thinking about this, as I had a friend who’s son went through a really dickish phase and was a pain to be around, had to be specially catered for in many ways and even when this was done was moody, unpredictable and hard to be around. I don’t know what the issue was with your son, and it may have been quite different, but I felt I had to protect my similar age DC from being forced to enable / cater to this behaviour, while at the same time trying to maintain the adult friendship.

It may be that the friends have turned a blind eye to their sons bullying your son. But it may also be that they’ve said ‘you don’t have to like him and be friends with him, if he’s consistently annoying’. There’s a lot of possible middle ground in between, and some of what the boys have done their parents won’t know about.

I would have a conversation with the one you’re closest to, saying that the social arrangements for the DC are rubbing salt in a wound, can they move to a different chat? The response to that will tell you if the group care about how you feel, or don’t.

For your so sons sake .. speak up! Tell this lovely bunch how hurt your son has been. Make them aware how uncomfortable it is for you to have them all going on about their delightful teens who pushed your son aside because he didn't quite fit in. Also make it known that you find it hurtful that they arrange meet ups for them (excluding your son).. they are not your friends. 🫤

This is so shit for you. You have my sympathy.

A similar sort of thing happened to us. Part of a long standing kids and parents social group. The other three boys turned on my son who has HF autism. I guess he just wasn't cool enough after they started high school.
I couldn't remain a passive member of the group after my son had been treated so poorly so I quietly withdrew.
It was a different scenario for me in that I wasn't notably invested in a close friendship with any of them. At the time I reasoned that I wouldn't actually miss anyone in the long term...and neither I have.
You might feel more attached to your lot, which makes it harder for you.

I agree with this. I wouldn't want to be friends with people who were OK with their kids behaving like this towards anyone, whether they were friends or not. Your poor son. I hope he's doing much better now.

Yes

Oh op I would have seriously lost my shit over that stuff. I don't know your son and I feel so angry on his behalf.
Do you struggle to be assertive? I certainly have in the past but as I've got older I have tried to get better at it. What horrible boys they sound regardless of their age or maturity

Just leave

I wouldn’t be hasty. Most of my local friends are parents of my kids now teens primary friends barely any of the teens are still close but we are and will be when the kids are long gone living their own lives.

Dd1 was dumped by my friends Dd. She was hurt as they had been friends since primary. Never found out why - she dropped the whole group. Still great friends with the mum we don’t discuss it. What’s worse here it’s only your child excluded it’s not the ebb and flow of teen friendships. I wouldn’t necessarily bin them all off though.

To avoid a big fall out id just put that chat into the archive and only read it when I want to. That allows a bit of distance for you without having to leave it completely

It's not unreasonable to be upset when something upsets our children, but yes, from the limited information here, I do think YABU about simple comments on a WhatsApp group, and i can't help thinking that a lot of parents are far too involved in their children's social lives now. Friends come and go (the same is true of adult friends) and some friendships also simply run their course. The kids are all teenagers; friendship groups do change at this age, particularly if interests diverge.

You wanted to maintain a friendship with the other parents, which is absolutely fine. You've kept the extent of the falling out or whatever it was to yourself, so the other parents don't actually know how upset your child was and how upset you still are. You have since found it hard to separate being upset about your child's friends and your own friends, so just leave the group.

I’m surprised that at the age of 16 their mummies still have anything to do with their social plans!

Yes, leave the group, how awful for you. If only there was a way to quietly leave a whatsapp group. I've not been able to maintain friendships with mums whose kids have been vile to mine. No regrets.

I just realised from someone else up thread that the graceful way to do it is archive the group. Do that!

Also, I don't think anything good will come from voicing anything to the mums. All this happened on their watch.

I mean, do you have things in common apart from having children the same age? This is what I find my problem is, baby groups to school playground, the children were all we had in common.

Isn’t it the case now that only the chat admin gets notified when someone leaves? It used to flash up for everyone but I don’t think that happens now,

Agreed, but in my experience, considerate adults tend to have considerate children.

OP how can these be your best mates, surely if you were close you would have felt able to say something about what has happened.

I call these situational friendships. They can be amazing / useful / convenient / rewarding when you’re in that moment, but I realised during Covid that I didn’t really miss my situational friends that much and I barely see them now the kids are about to finish school, even though the WhatsApp groups are still going!

How does your son feel you remaining friends with the boys mum's who were mean to himI would leave, show your son the support he needs. Some friendships just run their course.

I have been trying to think of an exit message.

But you know what, I think, just exit. You'll feel a weight lifted once it's done.

Anyone worth knowing will ask what's up. It's up to you what you tell them but 'it was all chat about the boys & my lad's no longer in that group so I left' is probably sufficiently neutral & true to exit quietly if that's what you want/need.

It sucks reading what they did to your boy. Kids can be so horrible & it hurts us in turn.

OP I know the sort of situation you are talking about when you mention pack mentality. There is a small group of boys (year 7 age group) in DS year that have this mentality. They behave absolutely disgustingly. The group has got smaller and smaller because other parents have either banned there kids going near them because they are appalled at the boys behaviour or the other boys have been victims of the pack bullying behaviour they inflict on other kids.

The mums just seen to get more and more cliquey each year that passes. They really seem to be totally oblivious as to how badly behaved, downright horrible and disliked there kids are. These boys cause 95 percent of the issues in the year group. The school staff know it, most of the other parents know it but the mums are living in a parallel universe to everyone else.

I personally keep my distance as do most of the other parents that used to chat etc to them . It's quite sad as one of the mums is actually genuinely lovely but totally naive about the rest of the boys behaviour (her son is the only one in the group that's not a bully). Unfortunately I highly suspect her son will be the boy that gets dropped soon because he isn't like the rest of them. He is actually a nice kid.

My personal view is its really quite pathetic that parents are still arranging there teenagers social life's. These mum's do a fair bit of it to and everything is together. To an outside looking in it's bizarre and seems very controlling. Why don't they let there kids arrange there own social life's? Do they not think there kids should be allowed to choose and make there own friends as they get older? They are not 4 year olds so should be given that right.

Honestly I would bow out of the chat but maybe tell them exactly what there "precious" boys did to your son.