My ex is a d**k!!

[Pickledeverything]

Me and my ex split up when my daughter was 1 and she is now 11, iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week. Hes now asking for 50/50 and says he doesn’t mind what it looks like but wants it to include every other weekend!! Iv said no because then I won’t get much time with my child because I work and she’s at school etc and I feel like he’s doing it to stop paying maintanace. He’s now threatening to take me to cort and I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court only get a Wednesday overnight and every other weekend so he will get less time because I won’t allow the weekend to happen. I’m refusing to pay for a soliciter for his issues so what do I do? Can he make me to court and will they pay for a soliciter for me? Tia xx

He has been asking for 50/50 for years and you have always said no? You have only recently allowed him to see her at Christmas? You are happy for your new partner to spend more time with her than her actual dad? You are complaining he wants to see her EOW because it will mean you see her less despite being happy to let him only see her for 2 weekdays when she is at school for years? and you're on here calling HIM a dickhead? He ain't the dickhead.

Hope he takes you to court. He left you, not his daughter. Time to deal with the bitterness you're clinging onto regarding your relationship with him and let this child, that you BOTH created, see her dad as much as she wants, not as much as you're trying to tell her she wants.

This thread is AWFUL to read for those of us who have had no choice but to parent our children 50% of the time. My ex forced the issue after a year of separation because he didn't want to pay me as he hates me for leaving him - I left because he bit me and caused an injury. The last assault in a long line of assaults. He had more money and a better solicitor than me (he kept the marital home of course so argued it was a familiar place for my youngest DC so they should see us both 50/50). At the time I was too ground down and traumatised and accepted the CAO and din't challenge the judge. I had no choice looking back. HE used our DC as pawns, to punish me. I should have protected them from him but the system and my trauma made me fail at that.

When you read threads like this it just creates a sense and responsibility on mothers. For all of it. Comments like the OP's 'What mother would only spend 50% of their time with their DC?' are so black and white and show a complete lack of understanding. I have never ever read 'What kind of father only wants to spend 50% of his time with hs DC?' It makes me so angry about the difference in expectations on mothers versus fathers. Men who parent their child 50% of the time are commended and lauded. Mother's who parent their DC 50% are seen as less. Where are the DC in this and what is best for them? As a PP said, my two youngest DC have been the guinea pigs of new 'co-parenting 50/50' and do you know what? They have suffered for it. As have I. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I am aware I am projecting and that 50/50 works well in some situations and in some relationships though, shaming those who had no choice to do it though is so shitty.

I think every other weekend is a perfectly reasonable request. I'm afraid you do sound as if you want everything your own way. You also should be taking into consideration what your daughter wants.

i bet your head is banging this morning.

your DD IS 11. She's plenty old enough to decide how much time she spends at her Dads. You have been unreasonable for several years now. He's wanted 50/50 & you keep saying she's too you & it's too confusing for her. It's not ideal but many families do 50/50 from very young (some babies, but mostly from 2)

lots of people don't want not to see their kids 50% of the time. But the KIDS have the right to equal time with both parents.

you say he just doesn't want to pay child support, but equally is it just because you don't want to stop getting it??

I don’t know. I think maybe he doesn’t want to pay maintenance and is bringing this up now because the DD is 11 and the difficult baby/toddler years are over. I actually can see why OP is resentful of him leaving her even though it was a decade ago. Parenting a small child on your own is not easy. Maybe the ex is jealous OP’s live in boyfriend knows DD better than he does. Who knows?

If he takes it to court, you (OP) are going to have to get some decent legal advice from a solicitor for sure. You may have to face that at the least he gets a certain amount of weekends with her, etc, but the logistics of 50/50 sound like a right hassle for everyone.

He left YOU. He didn’t leave your daughter, he just left you.

And he wants 50/50 which at your daughter’s age she should get a say in. It would be nice for him to get some weekends with her - I think it would benefit your daughter too. You are only thinking of you and your needs, not what would be best for your child.

He left YOU. He didn’t leave your daughter, he just left you.

Charming.
Sorry but if you leave mum when baby is just 1 , you are leaving that baby too.

I think we’re a bit shocked at you.

Op reads like my husbands ex (though absolutely isn’t for clarity). Just the same tremendously thick mentality.

Perhaps OP ex doesn't want to pay maintenance? But perhaps he thinks that money wouldn't be going directly to DD upkeep? OP has shown a wilful ignorance to priortize DD's needs so not paying maintenance and getting more quality time with DD would be a win win for ex.

This is the first time I've ever heard anyone claim their ex is a dick because they want to spend more time with their child.

The courts work in the best interests of the child and you will have a hard time convincing them that you are right.

Good luck arguing that you deserve your child more.

Google parental alienation in case you were thinking of trying to influence your child against their father.

You play that game and you could lose custody and be the one with every other weekend.

You are the reason that family courts exist. That poor Father.

Your DD is 11 already and I’m sure she would be asked at a family court what she feels about a 50/50 split of weekends. She might then, instead of responding honestly, respond to please her dad or at least not to hurt him….or to please you, putting aside what she really wants.

So I would talk to her about this and take time to find out what she really feels about 50/50 weekends. Her honest answer might be that she would like to try it out for one weekend a month or that she is adamant she doesn’t want to go, or that she wishes she could have more fun times with him. Only she knows.

In order to get an honest answer, you shouldn’t show her your prejudice against him, as you have on here …let her know that while you will always protect her wishes, you won’t ever be hurt if she chooses to spend time with her dad.

You would be better off in the long term working this out with her and her dad, out of court if possible so that your dd’s wishes can be truly represented in the decision making.

I personally think a 50/50 split of time with each parent can often become so miserable for the child who is constantly on the move, never settled, always missing out on something the other family has to offer, missing out on friendships, and having to negotiate each parent’s hurt feelings.
But I know a lot of mums on here says it works just fine for them.

It’s what works for the child that should be considered as most important. It helps the child if the parents can be seen to discuss and agree without rancour.

@LAMPS1 i agree with your last sentence It’s what works for the child that should be considered as most important. It helps the child if the parents can be seen to discuss and agree without rancour.

There is no one size fits all and these types of situations are hard. ( and when there are abuse / violence I get that things like 50:50 wont be best for any DC)
But sadly - judging by what OP has said on here - it’s too late for her to talk to her child in a neutral way about what her DD wants. As explained she thinks she has the ‘right’ to control when her Dd sees him and has admitted that she hasn’t even ‘let’ her DD see her dad over Christmas until recently . I am guessing that her poor DD is aware of what OP thinks ( her dad is. d* ) and must be a very confused and conflicted child.
Yet again - poor child - when adults cannot be adults and use their child as weapons . It is deplorable.

I’ve said we can do once a month but he has to drop a night in the week every week so he’s actually worse off time wise so was pointless but as usual he’s got what he wanted and has weekend time now. Not happy about it as I hardly see her as it is with school Monday - Friday but as some people on here have said I have to make it fair so he doesn’t take us to court

as some people on here have said I have to make it fair so he doesn’t take us to court

No, you need to make it fair for your child

I’d say you have to make parenting decisions together and avoid wasting court time with things you should sort out between yourselves.

You do realise your DD is also his DD?

I’ll say it again as it seems to be falling on deaf ears…..your daughter is NOT your possession. She has two parents who she deserves to spend time with. Stop being bitter and putting your feelings before hers and let her father have more time with her.

She NEEDS stability and to be with me more as it’s just chaos at his house, more kids,
n o screen time limits etc she needs to grow up in a stable home and I feel that me and my partner give her that and as everyone has said previously she needs a base. But I’m happy to let him have her once a month but I think it works out at 6 nights a month now instead of 8 so he’s worse off after kicking off about this so it was pointless

What is the matter with you?

Stop among out this is for er benefit as we can all see it is about getting back at him and pretending he doesn't exist most of the time so you can play happy families with your husband.

There is something so wrong with how you look at this. He should take you to court to get what the law allows and not be contend with what you're 'happy to let him have'.

So you’ve thrown your toys out and demand he has less time because you can’t handle him wanting some weekends as you think only you’re allowed to do things with her at weekends.

You really are a petty person aren’t you. ‘You want a weekend fine but you lose time overall’ is just plain nasty, petty and pathetic.

You truly can’t see what you are doing to your DD can you? I pray this doesn’t come back to haunt you when DD is older and she sees what a bitter petty person you are who has prevented her having a decent, meaningful relationship with her dad but I can see in 4-7 years time a post from you about my DD refuses to speak to me, what can I do.

its clear to see you’ve tried desperately to replace him as your DD dad and he hasn’t played ball and you hate that. You wanted him to go away so you could tell DD that he is the deadbeat dad who did want anything to do with you to her didn’t you.

I hope he does still take you to court and shows just how petty and childish you have been because trust me a judge will not look kindly to what you have done, are doing and trying to do. Your behaviour may end up cause you to lose primary residency

And he's her father 🤦‍♂️

interesting how you come up with these reasons now after pretty much every single poster has pointed out how unreasonable you are
and I am sure assessment of his situation is not biased at all🙄