My ex is a d**k!!

[Pickledeverything]

Me and my ex split up when my daughter was 1 and she is now 11, iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week. Hes now asking for 50/50 and says he doesn’t mind what it looks like but wants it to include every other weekend!! Iv said no because then I won’t get much time with my child because I work and she’s at school etc and I feel like he’s doing it to stop paying maintanace. He’s now threatening to take me to cort and I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court only get a Wednesday overnight and every other weekend so he will get less time because I won’t allow the weekend to happen. I’m refusing to pay for a soliciter for his issues so what do I do? Can he make me to court and will they pay for a soliciter for me? Tia xx

Tbf he left you not his daughter, would you have preferred her growing up in a household where her parents don't get along.
He deserves some downtime with his daughter too, that includes weekends when he's not working.

Reported. Bloody half term brings them all out. And if I'm wrong then good luck to your daughter. She belongs to no one but herself.

You need to read and understand all the comments on here.

2 nights during the week and every other weekend hardly seems worth him going to court for an extra 1.5 days a week. Maybe he actually is being a dick. You know there is not a shortage of them and it doesnt sound like OP has ever stopped him seeing the child plenty, so im not sure why everyone is being so outraged.
50/50 is a really modern thing and it sounds like its only in the interest of the bloke that left, because it means for the child that they never feel like they have a proper base.

The courts are so misogynistic. They love to punish women 🙄

Why are you shocked that people think that a child should be able to spend equal amounts of time with BOTH her parents?
You talk about allowing your ex 2 nights per week? I'm surprised that he hasn't taken this to court before now

The Fact you’ve said that you “let him have her” shows you think your child is something you own. She is a living human being and her father has just as much of a right to spend time with her as you do.

Shame on you.

It's awful isn't it? The idea that your child is without you for half her childhood because the man who fathered her chose to walk away from the relationship.

You've done everything for her and done right by her facilitating a relationship with her father since your separation.

But the courts absolutely don't care about mums feelings or dedication to their children.

They don't really put children's wants or needs first, they do however want to make it a fair split for adults to take turns with a child. Nothing about packing up your everything as a little person and living out of two homes is of benefit to a child, just the adults.

If your child's father attempted to take you to court when she was aged 1, he'd have a fair chance to be doing overnights for weekends and half the school holidays from at least aged 5 years and sometimes younger.

You would then receive no child maintenance from dad to pay for his child that he left!

I agree with you, children are best with their mum and dad unless situation puts the child at physical or emotional risk.

But you need to put things in place to reduce the chances of your child being court ordered to do 50/50.

I’ve been a SM to my DSS since he was a newborn, I have some skin in the game.

I personally don’t agree with 50/50 custody and believe that a child needs one home for stability and security.

However, two nights during the week is not conducive to dad building a good relationship with his daughter. If you went to court, he would absolutely be awarded EOW and a night a week as a bare minimum.

Don’t waste your money on court, instead just allow him to spend some quality time with his daughter and stop thinking of him as your babysitter.

Not allowing weekend/, nights change depending on what she’s working and if DP can have her. Why should he have her when I’m free and can spend time with her. - all statements made by OP

doesn’t suggest allowing him to see her loads

thats why people are saying what they are. Yes maybe he is a dick but maybe she is as well you know there isn’t a shortage of women like that

and at the moment it’s not in the interest of the child but the mother who is desperate to prevent a decent relationship - again plenty of women like this.

She's half his.
Children are not possessions.

My personal belief about 50/50 is that it is a scam invented by men to get out of paying child support.

And she's also his daughter too and it's nice he wants to spend quality time with her.

I'd say every other weekend and one week day evening from school pick up until 8pm is fair (and the entire day during school holidays).

92% of 650 people say you're being unreasonable so perhaps you should listen?

So it’s right for you to want that, but wrong for her dad? Surely 50/50 should always be the starting point? Isn’t it about your daughter spending time with her dad, not about YOUR wants ?

50/50 shouldn't be the default.

It really only only works in the children's benefit in limited circumstances. As in still live in the same area, generally same level of commitment to parenting, school work, extra circular activities etc and similar parenting styles. Otherwise it's actually about the wants of the parents rather than what's best for the children.

Having done it with my oldest because it was 'fair' for us to have her the same amount of time. If I ever split with my dh I wouldn't agree to 50/50. But he also agrees it doesn't work best for the kids generally so he wouldn't look for it.

Let him have her? Is she a doll?
EOW is not unreasonable at all, and you're being hypocritical to say you won't get much time with her when you're depriving him of exactly that
No your solicitor will not be paid for. He should take you to court to get reasonable access agreed.

YABVU OP and sound very controlling. You appear to be prioritising your need to punish your ex over what's best for your DD. Withholding access, poisoning a child against a parent etc is the only things the appears d**kish here.

@Wonderingforever You wouldn't agree to 50/50? So you'd be ok with DH having primary custody and you have DC EOW?

Lots on here do.

There is much more of a trend in the courts now to do 50/50 Where its wanted. Yes, you will see lots off men talking about how their ex-wives won't let them see the kids/won't let them see them more that 2 nights blah blah blah. But those men are usually being economical with the truth - when a man goes to the courts and asks for 50% (unless there is a massive backstory) he is as likely as not to get it. So don't be fooled by the propaganda.

So it isn't a case of "let" anyway - I know that's the language you see used in some places, that women "let" fathers have X time with their children but its not the reality of the courts.

In your case I can see why it would feel unfair - he was happy to take a backseat when you were going through the really tough hands on bits of parenting but now she's a bit more independent he wants to come in. But fair on the parent doesn't come into it.

I'm in two minds about 50/50. But its what the courts favour and its them that will decide not mumsnetters if it gets to court.

Cafcas would speak to your daughter and ask what she wanted and if she says more contact he's likely to get it. Every other weekend, half the holidays, mid week contact and alternate Xmas.

I know a few people who have done this but you won't get legal aid unless DV involved. They both spent around 10k in court fees.

It's annoying he suddenly wants to step in now she's an easier age but why should your partner get more time than her own dad.

I wish my ex wanted to see his child more.

No wonder single mums get a bad rep for parental alienation with mothers like you. Your child is not a possession. Put her needs first instead of your own selfish wants. I say this as a single mum myself.

If your ex was abusive or constantly in and out of her life, i.e. being inconsistent with his contact, then I could possibly see your frustration but your argument is purely based on not wanting to give him any extra time with her.

You're very unreasonable. She's not your property. Asking for EOW isn't unreasonable.

I think its the OP's wine intake talking....at least I hope it is.

Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your child. She needs a close relationship with both parents.

Just to counter something you said earlier - my Dad was awarded custody of all three of us when I was a kid.

@SwedeCarrotLimes with our jobs and working hours it would be the other way around. I also didn't say if we split it would EOW. I said it won't be 50/50. There is alot between those two.

But if I had DH job & working hours then yes. Because like I said its about what's best for the kids. Not what is best for me.

My dd hated 50/50 and only stopped because a family therapist supported it wasn't in her best interests.

So no having seen the shit show that caused I wouldn't be going down that road again. And I don't know one family unit around me that the kids actually want it or are happy particularly that are on 50/50 schedules.

Also were I live 50/50 isn't actually default. It's moving away from standard EOW but not split 50/50 as a starting point.