Page 11 | My ex is a d**k!!

Pickledeverything · 2024-05-27T19:52:56+00:00

Me and my ex split up when my daughter was 1 and she is now 11, iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week. Hes now asking for 50/50 and says he doesn’t mind what it looks like but wants it to include every other weekend!! Iv said no because then I won’t get much time with my child because I work and she’s at school etc and I feel like he’s doing it to stop paying maintanace. He’s now threatening to take me to cort and I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court only get a Wednesday overnight and every other weekend so he will get less time because I won’t allow the weekend to happen. I’m refusing to pay for a soliciter for his issues so what do I do? Can he make me to court and will they pay for a soliciter for me? Tia xx

Hesma · 30/05/2024 10:06

He should be able to see his daughter every other weekend. YABVU

Mischance · 30/05/2024 10:06

She’s too young to know what she really wants. - so when will you consider have able to have an opinion? You might be happy to dismiss her opinions, but the court won't.

MitskiMoo · 30/05/2024 10:06

Fuck! The more you post, the more batshit you sound. Seriously, try to take yourself out of the situation and read the replies. When such a high percentage are telling you you are wrong, does it not ring a bell on your head? Or do you think we don't understand what you're saying? I can't fathom (without abuse) any RP thinking your mindset is best for your child.

FluentRubyDog · 30/05/2024 10:15

OP sounds like a poor female version of Trump, to be honest. There's no reasoning with that. Just feel sorry for her DD and XH.

Ledci · 30/05/2024 10:15

Tandora · 30/05/2024 10:03

“Take his money” ???!!!
OP’s situation aside, attitudes like this are a SERIOUS problem. Give your head a wobble please. Child maintenance is for the child. Women are not “taking men’s money”, both parents have an obligation to financially support their children and resident parents end up taking the vast majority of the financial hit.

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I don't need to give my head a wobble thanks - perhaps you do?

The OP clearly stated in her FIRST post that she thinks he's trying to get out of paying CMS so this is also about money for her.
CMS is to pay for financial support in the absence of a child going to their other parents - therefore if she allowed him the access he wanted, then he wouldn't have to be paying it as HE WOULD also be providing for said child!
Never have I said that a parent shouldn't be paying towards a child, please correct me if I'm wrong?
More so pointing out that she may be preventing access to THEIR daughter so he has to pay more money to her.
She is only the resident parent because she won't allow him regular joint access.

I'm all for non RP paying what is rightfully owed. What I'm not for, is RP withholding access to their child just to obtain more CMS. That's wrong.

Tandora · 30/05/2024 10:20

Ledci · 30/05/2024 10:15

I don't need to give my head a wobble thanks - perhaps you do?

The OP clearly stated in her FIRST post that she thinks he's trying to get out of paying CMS so this is also about money for her.
CMS is to pay for financial support in the absence of a child going to their other parents - therefore if she allowed him the access he wanted, then he wouldn't have to be paying it as HE WOULD also be providing for said child!
Never have I said that a parent shouldn't be paying towards a child, please correct me if I'm wrong?
More so pointing out that she may be preventing access to THEIR daughter so he has to pay more money to her.
She is only the resident parent because she won't allow him regular joint access.

I'm all for non RP paying what is rightfully owed. What I'm not for, is RP withholding access to their child just to obtain more CMS. That's wrong.

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But you are missing the point and conflating two separate issues.
There is no sense in which OP is taking anyone’s money. Child maintenance is for the child.
This is separate from OP apparently not understanding that her child might want some weekends with Dad.

Bandying around phrases like “happy to take his money” is misogynistic and feeds into a dangerous narrative .

Bumblebeestiltskin · 30/05/2024 10:28

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 21:02

Because he’s her dad and he’s always been allowed to have her 2 nights a week and now he’s saying he wants 50/50. J don’t believe any mum on this site would allow their ex to have their kids 50/50.

What on earth are you on about? Me and my daughter's dad do 50/50, we're BOTH her parents. Unless there are abuse/neglect concerns (and if that was the case, I'm sure you wouldn't be happy with the current arrangement), why shouldn't it be equal?

Ledci · 30/05/2024 10:30

Tandora · 30/05/2024 10:20

But you are missing the point and conflating two separate issues.
There is no sense in which OP is taking anyone’s money. Child maintenance is for the child.
This is separate from OP apparently not understanding that her child might want some weekends with Dad.

Bandying around phrases like “happy to take his money” is misogynistic and feeds into a dangerous narrative .

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Oh behave!

Are you telling me that there is no RP out there who witholds their child just to get more money out of their ex? Because I know for a fact of at least 2 of the nasty people in RL.

In this case, eg the father may pay £100 per week based on 2 nights.
He would have to pay zero if he had her equal care.
Therefore he is prepared to have, and provide fairly, for his child yet she won't let him so not only does he lose time with HIS daughter, he has to pay her for the pleasure! I don't agree that when a Non RP is stopped access (that he can and will give) that he needs to pay her for those days she won't let him have.
If someone told me I wasn't allowed to see my children for the fair amount of time I'm entitled to AND then I had to pay to NOT see them, I'd be fuming! I'd rather use that money to provide for them by seeing them myself.
How can you not see this point?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 30/05/2024 10:32

Pickledeverything · 29/05/2024 23:41

To answer some questions, her dads wife has a girl from previous relationship and then my ex and his wife have 2 kids together so maybe I shouldn’t have said irrelevant but I just mean they aren’t real siblings and she doesn’t call them that so it’s not like it’s a blood family iyswim. A lot of people say he won’t be awarded 50/50 in courts and I think they will take a very dim view of the fact that he hasn’t pushed for custody until now, why wait this long to go to court? He does lots that I don’t agree with parenting wise and I feel that it’s confusing for my child when she has different rules at different houses. I also know for a fact that he works sometimes when it’s “his time” so his wife has her so it’s pointless? Why ask for your child extra if you don’t even see her!! That’s what really gets my goat. And if I ask for her back when he’s working so I can see her he refuses so I don’t think he will go to court because he’s just as much in wrong as I am! I posted this thread for a rant and som advice from likeminded mums and I’m shocked at some of the responses honestly, I’m all for dads having equal rights but really? Extreme.

God, you're truly grim.

IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 10:41

They are her half siblings. She probably didn't think of think of as such due to the limited time she spent with them
even if he is working, he probably wants her to have a relationship with his family
he's been very understanding
he should have some weekend fun time with his daughter
it is good for daughters not to feel abandoned by their fathers
you have no right to spend more time with her than him
you are unreasonable

betterangels · 30/05/2024 10:41

I hope someone he knows sees this thread and recognises the situation, honestly. You make yourself look worse with every post.

HollaHolla · 30/05/2024 10:45

I think the OP has flounced, but just to add my piece.....
We'd all think poorly of the Dads who don't want time with their kids. Yet, you're thinking the opposite.
I really don't get the 'kids should ONLY stay with their Mum', brigade. There are two parents, and unless he's abusing her in some way, then she should have access with him.
I do hope that you go away and think about all of this, and realise you need to think about your child first.

Gilbertwasawuss · 30/05/2024 10:45

I wholeheartedly believe at least two of the posters on here are men pretending to be women.

I also believe that people like to create little traps for Mumsnetters.

Soowoowoomoo · 30/05/2024 11:03

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 20:55

She’s too young to know what she really wants. It would just be too confusing for her to be at 2 houses xx

She isn’t and nor will a court think she is.
shes old enough to do 50/50 if she’s happy with that.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 30/05/2024 12:06

Gilbertwasawuss · 30/05/2024 10:45

I wholeheartedly believe at least two of the posters on here are men pretending to be women.

I also believe that people like to create little traps for Mumsnetters.

Hello fellow women. Don't we all hate men and delete in ruining their lives? I know I sure do! Lets discuss all the ways we manipulate the family courts on here....

I have NO idea what you are talking about.

Flopsythebunny · 30/05/2024 14:48

There's only one d**k here and it isn't the dad.
Chances are, if he does take this to family court, he will be awarded 50/50.its happening more and more often nowadays

Original poster

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 18:31

LAMPS1 · 30/05/2024 06:46

OP, I know of a child whose father didn’t make any effort to see him immediately after he was born. He left the area and went back home, 6 hours train ride away. He doesn’t drive. The mum tried her hardest to facilitate a relationship between her son and the father. The father was antagonistic and blanked her completely and didn’t see his son at all.
Then when his son was 8, he suddenly decided he wanted 50/50. He didn’t know his son at all. He refused mediation but still took the mum to family court. And the family court granted him as close to 50/50 as possible, given the distance. That is, 50% of every half term and every major school holiday period. Plus a weekend every month. It has been so hard on the child who hates having to do all the travelling every time he gets a break from school and for whom the father and his family were total strangers. On appeal the family court still insisted the father gets as much time with his son as possible. It’s the child who suffers. And the mum has suffered in having to helplessly watch that total injustice happen. There are tears and dread every single school holiday.

So please don’t think the family court will be on your side …or even on your child’s side.

I say again, you will be better trying to work out what your DD actually wants and to work with her father to do your joint best for her in this situation. Yes, even though it was him who left you !

Avoid the family court if at all possible. And avoid alienating your child against her father. Try to encourage her to have positive relationships with him and her siblings in his new family. You must stop trying to punish him for leaving you.
You will always be her mum and even more dear to her if you recognise that he will always be her dad. Which means accepting and respecting his new family set up for your DD.
Stop laughing at his request OP. You should take it much more seriously.
Good luck for you and your DD.

Iv thought about this ever since you posted it and had a little cry this evening.
iv fucked up and it hurts to admit it but the truth is, yes I do tell her that her siblings aren’t her siblings and her step mum isn’t her step mum, because it hurts to think that he’s given her a family and I haven’t yet. I never wanted her to grow up on a split family. When I get angry (not just about this) but it’s like i see red and I can’t calm down and I do get nasty. I’ve texted him and said that I realise I have made a mistake and we can stick to the 2 nights a week and start with 1 weekend a month and gradually build up to more. All the other posters are right that I’ve got to stop influencing her and bad mouthing her. Dad because I don’t want her to grow up hating me but it’s hard when my emotions take over but I know that’s a “me problem”. I hope I haven’t done enough damage that can’t be undone and I hope I can do better from now on if I know better. Thank you again for my comment, it really resonates (right word lol??) with me xxxxx

OP posts:

LAMPS1 · 30/05/2024 18:57

OP, you aren’t a nasty person I’m sure and you aren’t batshit (names you have been called on here as I recall) but you have been misguided. You sound like a dedicated mum who loves her DD very much and who was very hurt when her father left. It’s hard not to be bitter.

It’s good that you posted here and that you have had your light-bulb moment because of all the comments.
Well done for contacting him and asking respectfully for what you want so that your DD can slowly get used to a weekend away with her other family. I hope he is reasonable in his response. I know how hard it will be for you to let her go.

Please just remember that the family court find it difficult to tolerate a set of parents who appear to want to outdo each other and can’t come to reasonable
and workable decisions/solutiins for the sake of their DC.

I'm so glad you have had the courage to listen to advice and to take it, after admitting your mistakes.
Well done, you are on the right path now.
Good luck to you and your little girl.

BirthdayRainbow · 30/05/2024 19:32

Enjoy your daughter for now as when she realises what you've done she'll be off.

An, missed your latest post. It would really be incredible if you've had such a huge about turn. Don't take out your frustrations on your child's well being in the meantime.

Noseybookworm · 30/05/2024 20:07

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 18:31

Iv thought about this ever since you posted it and had a little cry this evening.
iv fucked up and it hurts to admit it but the truth is, yes I do tell her that her siblings aren’t her siblings and her step mum isn’t her step mum, because it hurts to think that he’s given her a family and I haven’t yet. I never wanted her to grow up on a split family. When I get angry (not just about this) but it’s like i see red and I can’t calm down and I do get nasty. I’ve texted him and said that I realise I have made a mistake and we can stick to the 2 nights a week and start with 1 weekend a month and gradually build up to more. All the other posters are right that I’ve got to stop influencing her and bad mouthing her. Dad because I don’t want her to grow up hating me but it’s hard when my emotions take over but I know that’s a “me problem”. I hope I haven’t done enough damage that can’t be undone and I hope I can do better from now on if I know better. Thank you again for my comment, it really resonates (right word lol??) with me xxxxx

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I'm really impressed that you have thought about this and owned your mistakes. You have reacted from a place of hurt and betrayal which is of course understandable but you are doing the right thing now by putting your daughter's feelings first. Don't beat yourself up, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Encourage a good relationship with her siblings and stepmum. It doesn't take away from your relationship with her, nothing ever will - you are her mum 💕

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 30/05/2024 21:21

Read your update OP. You've been really brave. Hope it all works out xxx

SemperIdem · 30/05/2024 21:42

That you’ve been able to really reflect on how you have felt/acted and why, is a real show of strength, OP.

You have given your daughter a family, not in the same way her dad has, but your family unit is not lesser.

Original poster

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 21:43

Thank you everyone xx he was really nice to be honest and said he would still like to work up to every other weekend and splitting school holidays but he understands it’s a jump so is happy to start slow. Iv had a talk with my daughter tonight before her bed time and said that mummy has made some mistakes in the past but I love her and I want her to know she has 2 familys now which means she has 2 lots of love and if she wasn’t worried about upsetting me would she like to spend some more time their and she said yes so obviously I feel awful knowing that she’s kept this inside but also know that I brought this on myself. Thank you everyone for your answers, kind or harsh, it’s been a wake up call for me and I know it won’t always be easy because I have feelings but I will try harder for my daughter because I really do want her to be happy

OP posts:

QueenOfTheEntireFuckingUniverse · 30/05/2024 21:44

Well done @Pickledeverything . Here's to a happy future for you all.

SemperIdem · 30/05/2024 22:26

@Pickledeverything

Wish you all the best, it reads as though really positive steps have been taken for everyone concerned.