My ex is a d**k!!

[Pickledeverything]

Me and my ex split up when my daughter was 1 and she is now 11, iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week. Hes now asking for 50/50 and says he doesn’t mind what it looks like but wants it to include every other weekend!! Iv said no because then I won’t get much time with my child because I work and she’s at school etc and I feel like he’s doing it to stop paying maintanace. He’s now threatening to take me to cort and I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court only get a Wednesday overnight and every other weekend so he will get less time because I won’t allow the weekend to happen. I’m refusing to pay for a soliciter for his issues so what do I do? Can he make me to court and will they pay for a soliciter for me? Tia xx

I imagine any judge will frown upon a parent being too infexible - or too demanding.

So taking into account that your daughter’s wishes trump both your ex-partner’s demands and your own, and the fact that he’s asking for too much and you’re refusing everything, I see the judge being the only level-headed adult in this scenario. And I sincerely mean no disrespect.
It’s a scary and emotional prospect, I know.
Try asking the court for exactly what your daughter truly wishes, @Pickledeverything
You’ll no doubt be far more successful than if you go in with a list of demands or say “absolutely not” to everything your ex wants.
Deep breaths - the judge surely has experience with this and he’ll be kind to your daughter.
I wish you the best of luck.

That’s a really normal arrangement and I had the same as a child, I actually felt that wasn’t enough. She’s his daughter too.

50/50 is now quite common and usually the starting point in Courts. Long gone are the days where Dads only get every other weekend and an evening in the week.

You keep saying “but she’s my daughter”, correct, but she’s also his daughter

Yea I picked up on this too - from her replies it sounds like she refused 50/50 as the child was ‘too young’ and he’s been trying for a long time and now the child is older she’s acting like well he never had it before so why now. The maintenance thing is interesting as well, wonder if she’s more concerned about losing that, sounds like he’s always paid if she’s discussing him using 50/50 to get out of maintenance.

It also sounds like she denied him even splitting Xmas until the last couple of years and is justifying it all by saying he left them - not to mention not working for however many years.

The picture all this implies is that he left, she’s refused fair access despite him asking repeatedly, because he left. And all this time he has been trying to get more without dragging it via court but has finally reached his limit.

OP you don’t sound like you’ve made your shared daughter with this man and her right to her relationship with both parents anywhere near like a priority, in fact it sounds like you’ve used her as property to punish your ex and deny him access - elevating your role as her mother to the only one that matters while obstructing his ability to be a full and involved parent - then had the audacity to call him a Disney Dad. Feel sorry for the guy.

It’s not too late for this to change though and for you to support your shared child having a more equal split of time with BOTH her parents.

He left you. Not her.

And reading your, frankly, insane comments I’m beginning to see why he left.

You don’t get to gate keep your daughter’s relationship with her father just because you’re still bitter he left. You’re an adult and a parent - act like one.

Every other weekend is a very common arrangement. And you might find you enjoy having some weekends free to spend with your partner.

Sunday evening and you've been drinking wine to the point that you can no longer spell properly? I was going to say I hope that your unreasonable options on this thread is just the wine talking, but as it's gone on for 10 years that would not be particularly great for your daughter either.

OP, you apologised early on for “being on the wine”. Your posts are irrational and sound drunk angry. I hope you read them back sober this morning and see how unreasonable you are being.

Why should your partner see more of her than her actual dad playing devil's advocate?

Seriously?

What planet are you visiting from? Decent mothers want decent ex partners to have a good relationship with their dc.

What a bitter attitude.
Since she is 11yrd years old, she can have a say in what she wants and is not too young to know.
Really, he wants her to save money in child maintenance. Doubt it.
Free help because you want to make it difficult...the court will not tolerate time wasting and bitter behaviour, I would imagine.
You are a few years off the teen years where she needs her dad.
Ask if you can get free therapy to work thru your resentment while you ask for free legal fees.
Have another wine to thumb the reality.
The court will love you.

Hmmm someone who hasn’t bothered to read the OPs posts.

HE has wanted 50/50 years SHE has always refused playing the she’s too young card. SHE changes the two nights contact to suit HER and only if her DP can’t have DD.

maybe read them all before deciding to give OP advice about sticking to her guns considering a judge will just tear her apart and criticise her attempts at blocking access

Why now though? Why not 10 years ago when they first broke up?

I don't blame OP for being a bit pissed off 😤

I really don’t think op is being honest about their agenda here

Yes, he can take you to court.

No, the court won't pay for a solicitor for you.

If you refuse to allow weekends to happen after a court has ordered alternate weekends, he will be able to go back to court to enforce the order. If you continue to resist, that could result in the court ordering that she lives with him rather than you.

I don’t think I will be punished for not forcing her to go to her dads because they wouldn’t take a mum away from the child so not worried about that either

Yes, they would. I can point you at a whole host of cases where that has happened.

You need to stop burying your head in the sand.

"I always let him have her 2 nights a week." She is 1/2 his.

He should take you to court. A reality check is in order for you.

I think he’s entitled to 50-50 so I really wouldn’t be confident that he would get every other weekend. Unless there’s a good reason like abuse he’s as entitled to have 50-50 as you are, no-one owns the child, your language suggests you’re doing him a favour ‘letting him’ have her twice a week. Perhaps it is to get out of maintenance or maybe he wants to spend more time with his daughter.

Edited - having read your posts I really hope this guy takes you to court and wins. You are not even letting him have his daughter at all on weekends and effectively using him as a babysitter. You’re in for a rude awakening. You’re being very unfair to your daughter to preventing her spending weekends with her dad. Good luck to him. And look at the vote, we all think you’re unreasonable and in time so will your daughter if you don’t recognise what you’re doing is selfish

I’ve not read the entire thread but OP this isn’t about YOU. Your child should spend every other weekend with her dad. He is parent too. You come across like ‘I’ve let him’ ‘I don’t want’

seriously, she is 11. Get over yourself . You sounds so selfish and self indulged - do you care about your child at all?

You may not even see this as you've decided to strop off because people aren't agreeing with you but in case you are reading it from afar.....
I have shared custody with my ex, exactly 50/50. My partner does the same with his ex.
I have 6 friends who are divorced/separated - 5 of them do 50/50 and the one that doesn't is because the Dad isn't interested.
Unless her Dad is a risk to her, a court will absolutely allow every other weekend, and why shouldn't they?! You want all the weekends and he gets none of them?

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have my children way more than 50/50 but I don't have a choice. He's their Dad just as much as I'm their Mum. Assume you're happy to take your ex's money off him but not let him see his child properly? You're also very lucky he hasn't pushed more 50/50 before now. My partner knew he wanted joint custody from the off, so took her to court to get it all legal. Her solicitor tried to say "surely we can arrange something without the need for court" but he was not trusting her word and he was awarded 50/50 without hesitation.

I encourage my ex to get as close to 50:50 as he can. He has 1 night per week and EOW but I’d be ok with him having an extra night if his work could allow it.

You are being unreasonable as he is her Dad so just as much a parent as you. If visitation EOW is court ordered you will be punished by the court for not following the court order. They can and will try to get as close to 50:50 as possible.

Well, he sounds like a decent Dad then. A lot of men just walk away. Apart from you spending less time with your daughter if he had 50/50 custody, what else are you afraid of? Less maintenance? Them developing a closer relationship? He might abuse her? He's getting at you, so he can give you less money? Does he live in an unsafe area? Will strangers be abe to be near her? You don't say anything other than you want to spend time with her. Your posts do come across as very, very selfish. It's all about you, what you want. You haven't thought that a good relationship between your daughter and her father will benefit her in the long run. There are often parents on here whishing their exs wanted to see the children. You need to realise you don't own your daughter. She is both of yours.

There is no legal aid for these types of cases. You will be best off trying to negotiate something with him.
The courts will probably agree with him - sorry I know this is something you don’t want to hear.
if you are concerned about maintenance then speak to a solicitor as again this can be negotiated. It’s in everyone’s interest to reach a compromise rather than go to court.

He’s been around the whole time having her 2 nights a week and wanting 50/50 and she’s been refusing it. If you aren’t going to bother reading OPs posts why even bother posting? And an 11 year old is perfectly capable of saying they want to sleep at their dads more.

Your language is very telling in this post
"I let him" No you don't "let" him, he is her dad and has shared parental responsibility.
"My child" and lots of "I". Quite possessive and self centred language.
Nothing about what the child wants or is in their best interests.
11 is old enough to have their own views on what they want.
I wouldn't be so confident that a court wouldn't give him more contact if I was you.