Page 12 | My ex is a d**k!!

Pickledeverything · 2024-05-27T19:52:56+00:00

Me and my ex split up when my daughter was 1 and she is now 11, iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week. Hes now asking for 50/50 and says he doesn’t mind what it looks like but wants it to include every other weekend!! Iv said no because then I won’t get much time with my child because I work and she’s at school etc and I feel like he’s doing it to stop paying maintanace. He’s now threatening to take me to cort and I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court only get a Wednesday overnight and every other weekend so he will get less time because I won’t allow the weekend to happen. I’m refusing to pay for a soliciter for his issues so what do I do? Can he make me to court and will they pay for a soliciter for me? Tia xx

Halfheadhighlights · 30/05/2024 22:45

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 21:43

Thank you everyone xx he was really nice to be honest and said he would still like to work up to every other weekend and splitting school holidays but he understands it’s a jump so is happy to start slow. Iv had a talk with my daughter tonight before her bed time and said that mummy has made some mistakes in the past but I love her and I want her to know she has 2 familys now which means she has 2 lots of love and if she wasn’t worried about upsetting me would she like to spend some more time their and she said yes so obviously I feel awful knowing that she’s kept this inside but also know that I brought this on myself. Thank you everyone for your answers, kind or harsh, it’s been a wake up call for me and I know it won’t always be easy because I have feelings but I will try harder for my daughter because I really do want her to be happy

❤️❤️ that’s a really nice thing to read, good luck OP xx

therealcookiemonster · 30/05/2024 23:37

hi @Pickledeverything well done on taking these brave steps. couldn't have been easy.

glad you have changed your viewpoint. I am sure you will feel better for it and it will help you heal

LazyGewl · 31/05/2024 00:03

Oh @Pickledeverything i think this is the most beautiful post I have ever read on MN. To see you really take the comments on board is really special.

I was thinking of leaving MN because it can be so nasty at times but this thread ended up being really moving. What a fantastic mum you are.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/05/2024 00:40

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 21:43

Thank you everyone xx he was really nice to be honest and said he would still like to work up to every other weekend and splitting school holidays but he understands it’s a jump so is happy to start slow. Iv had a talk with my daughter tonight before her bed time and said that mummy has made some mistakes in the past but I love her and I want her to know she has 2 familys now which means she has 2 lots of love and if she wasn’t worried about upsetting me would she like to spend some more time their and she said yes so obviously I feel awful knowing that she’s kept this inside but also know that I brought this on myself. Thank you everyone for your answers, kind or harsh, it’s been a wake up call for me and I know it won’t always be easy because I have feelings but I will try harder for my daughter because I really do want her to be happy

I'm really touched by this. I know it's painful. I have walked this mile myself. However, it's a first to read of a dad who actually wants more time with their child rather than the horror stories you read on here (mine included).

You've been very brave with how you've dealt with this and I really hope you can find a happy medium that is in your daughter's best interests. I'm glad you posted here rather than have to face the horrors of court. Good luck

SapphireSlippers · 31/05/2024 06:40

@Pickledeverything I'm really impressed by your post. You've thought about what's best for your dd and it's hard to come around

You'll have a much better relationship with dd when she's an adult, because you are putting her first

betterangels · 31/05/2024 07:53

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 21:43

Thank you everyone xx he was really nice to be honest and said he would still like to work up to every other weekend and splitting school holidays but he understands it’s a jump so is happy to start slow. Iv had a talk with my daughter tonight before her bed time and said that mummy has made some mistakes in the past but I love her and I want her to know she has 2 familys now which means she has 2 lots of love and if she wasn’t worried about upsetting me would she like to spend some more time their and she said yes so obviously I feel awful knowing that she’s kept this inside but also know that I brought this on myself. Thank you everyone for your answers, kind or harsh, it’s been a wake up call for me and I know it won’t always be easy because I have feelings but I will try harder for my daughter because I really do want her to be happy

Impressed with this turnaround. Good luck.

grumpygrape · 31/05/2024 09:13

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 21:43

Thank you everyone xx he was really nice to be honest and said he would still like to work up to every other weekend and splitting school holidays but he understands it’s a jump so is happy to start slow. Iv had a talk with my daughter tonight before her bed time and said that mummy has made some mistakes in the past but I love her and I want her to know she has 2 familys now which means she has 2 lots of love and if she wasn’t worried about upsetting me would she like to spend some more time their and she said yes so obviously I feel awful knowing that she’s kept this inside but also know that I brought this on myself. Thank you everyone for your answers, kind or harsh, it’s been a wake up call for me and I know it won’t always be easy because I have feelings but I will try harder for my daughter because I really do want her to be happy

Bravo ! Good luck to you all. 👏🏻 🤗

OperationPushkin · 31/05/2024 09:59

Kudos to you, @Pickledeverything Not many people can admit they have been wrong, especially about something so emotional and difficult. Your DD will benefit greatly by your change in attitude and the opportunity to bond more closely with her dad and siblings. You have also shown her an excellent example of how to handle complex emotions and relationships. Well done!

Tandora · 31/05/2024 10:22

LazyGewl · 31/05/2024 00:03

Oh @Pickledeverything i think this is the most beautiful post I have ever read on MN. To see you really take the comments on board is really special.

I was thinking of leaving MN because it can be so nasty at times but this thread ended up being really moving. What a fantastic mum you are.

This!!!
The way that you have been able to reflect and change your perspective just shows what a wonderful mother you are @Pickledeverything . It’s so hard , but just keep loving your daughter the way you do and it will all work out ok in the end ❤️

anothernamitynamenamechange · 31/05/2024 10:54

I am glad you talked to him and it seems to be working out. Whatever happened before - its in his best interests to co-operate and be civil with you. And its in your best interests to cooperate and be civil with him. (And of course its in your daughters best interests). You both seem aware of that.

For what its worth my son's dad has a new (not that new anymore) partner and a new child and I used to worry privately that I would seem less than in the eyes of my son because its just me and him rather than the big family (and much nicer home) when he is at his dads. But it hasn't worked out like that at all. He likes his step mum and gets on with her but she hasn't in any way replaced me for example. And he can tell funny stories about his little brother to me but its in the style of a proud older brother. But no one can replace you as a mother and it wouldn't occur as a possibility to your child. So there's nothing to feel insecure about.

For the anger, this seems corny but can I suggest rage rooms or intense physical activity like kickboxing/running. I had some quite traumatic things happen to me that I feel angry about sometimes and having a physical outlet for it means none of it gets bottled up and directed towards the wrong people.

Ledci · 31/05/2024 13:26

Pickledeverything · 30/05/2024 21:43

Thank you everyone xx he was really nice to be honest and said he would still like to work up to every other weekend and splitting school holidays but he understands it’s a jump so is happy to start slow. Iv had a talk with my daughter tonight before her bed time and said that mummy has made some mistakes in the past but I love her and I want her to know she has 2 familys now which means she has 2 lots of love and if she wasn’t worried about upsetting me would she like to spend some more time their and she said yes so obviously I feel awful knowing that she’s kept this inside but also know that I brought this on myself. Thank you everyone for your answers, kind or harsh, it’s been a wake up call for me and I know it won’t always be easy because I have feelings but I will try harder for my daughter because I really do want her to be happy

This is a lovely update, you've definitely put your daughter first. I was one of those who replied with a harsh response but I think you've done brilliantly with how you must have been feeling.
I get it - I'm bitter that I lose time with my children because my ex was a dick; but they adore him and vice versa so I've just had to suck it up.
Hope it all works out for you.

LadyHavelockVetinari · 31/05/2024 14:06

This is a wonderful update. Well done OP it takes massive courage to realise and admit that you've been wrong, I'm so happy for you and for your daughter that you're going to turn things around. I'm positive that you will manage to.

IncompleteSenten · 31/05/2024 17:23

Good for you, op.

It takes balls to be able to read through criticism with an open mind and be willing to take a good long look at yourself.

If more people had that courage we'd all be better for it.

Original poster

Pickledeverything · 26/06/2024 21:18

Not sure if anyone will even be reading this but I thought I would pop back with an update, this coming weekend is the start of every other weekend for us and she is going away with her dad, step mum & siblings the first week of the summer holiday for a whole week, she is very very excited and that makes me excited even though I miss her when I’m not around. It’s still hard, I still feel upset but iv started going to the gym in my free time :)

OP posts:

Ledci · 26/06/2024 21:25

Ahh this is lovely to hear. It's fucking hard when you lose time with your kids, but if she's excited then you can have some "me" time, guilt free.

Silvers11 · 26/06/2024 21:26

@Pickledeverything Well I'm reading and want to say a huge well done to you. I know how hard it will be, but you have definitely done the right thing for your daughter

I think you will also find, in time, that it is good for you too, to sometimes have time just to yourself and have a break from the 'single' parenting you are doing the rest of the time

Thanks for the update. Have been wondering how things were going. Take Care of yourself

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 26/06/2024 21:37

Pickledeverything · 26/06/2024 21:18

Not sure if anyone will even be reading this but I thought I would pop back with an update, this coming weekend is the start of every other weekend for us and she is going away with her dad, step mum & siblings the first week of the summer holiday for a whole week, she is very very excited and that makes me excited even though I miss her when I’m not around. It’s still hard, I still feel upset but iv started going to the gym in my free time :)

That‘s great.

Sobeautiful · 26/06/2024 21:38

It's obviously been difficult for you to separate your feelings from what your daughter wants. Well done for acknowledging and acting to meet your daughters needs. Enjoy your time at the gym.

QueenOfTheEntireFuckingUniverse · 26/06/2024 21:41

Well done OP. What a fab update.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/06/2024 22:03

Hi op thank you for updating. I’m a few months or maybe a couple of years ahead of you (I have a baby and ex has just revealed he has a new gf who he’s moved in with) and I feel everything you’re feeling so deeply- the pain of not wanting to be away from your child and the fear and exclusion about them having a little family with your child in it that you’re not part of. You are being so so brave and you’re inspiring me to be brave about the situation. What a good idea to go to the gym on your time off. Honestly I think the best way to be a good mum is to pour into yourself when the child isn’t with you. I remember when I was little my mum was stresssd and tired I wish she’d done more self care so that’s what we should do so that we can be the happiest mums we can be.
also op this is a bit random but I was reading about Princess Diana recently and decided she’s my role model for being a fun single mum. She must have been devastated about Camilla etc but she handled it with such grace and she knew her boys relationship
witj their father was important. Don’t know if you’re as big a Diana fan as me but that helped me!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/06/2024 22:03

Hi op thank you for updating. I’m a few months or maybe a couple of years ahead of you (I have a baby and ex has just revealed he has a new gf who he’s moved in with) and I feel everything you’re feeling so deeply- the pain of not wanting to be away from your child and the fear and exclusion about them having a little family with your child in it that you’re not part of. You are being so so brave and you’re inspiring me to be brave about the situation. What a good idea to go to the gym on your time off. Honestly I think the best way to be a good mum is to pour into yourself when the child isn’t with you. I remember when I was little my mum was stresssd and tired I wish she’d done more self care so that’s what we should do so that we can be the happiest mums we can be.
also op this is a bit random but I was reading about Princess Diana recently and decided she’s my role model for being a fun single mum. She must have been devastated about Camilla etc but she handled it with such grace and she knew her boys relationship
witj their father was important. Don’t know if you’re as big a Diana fan as me but that helped me!

I mean behind you not ahead of you

Noseybookworm · 26/06/2024 22:05

Pickledeverything · 26/06/2024 21:18

Not sure if anyone will even be reading this but I thought I would pop back with an update, this coming weekend is the start of every other weekend for us and she is going away with her dad, step mum & siblings the first week of the summer holiday for a whole week, she is very very excited and that makes me excited even though I miss her when I’m not around. It’s still hard, I still feel upset but iv started going to the gym in my free time :)

Well done you, you have handled all this really well 💐 it's hard having time without your little one at first and you need to make a conscious effort to plan things to do to fill the time but it will get easier and it will be good for you to take some time for yourself x