Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex is a d**k!!

297 replies

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 20:52

Me and my ex split up when my daughter was 1 and she is now 11, iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week. Hes now asking for 50/50 and says he doesn’t mind what it looks like but wants it to include every other weekend!! Iv said no because then I won’t get much time with my child because I work and she’s at school etc and I feel like he’s doing it to stop paying maintanace. He’s now threatening to take me to cort and I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court only get a Wednesday overnight and every other weekend so he will get less time because I won’t allow the weekend to happen. I’m refusing to pay for a soliciter for his issues so what do I do? Can he make me to court and will they pay for a soliciter for me? Tia xx

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 27/05/2024 22:05

You do realise he left you not your child. Sounds like he's tried to be there and wanted more contact while going along with your wishes, many wish their childs father wanted to be more involved. She's not a toy, you don't own her and get to decide how to share her.

ByKindOpalPoet · 27/05/2024 22:05

Branleuse · 27/05/2024 21:55

I think you are probably right and hes realised its about maintenance. Me and my ex husband tried to do 50/50 with our son but he became really unsettled and it became clear he needed a main home. I think 50/50 is more for the parents than the child.
He hasn't even really said what he wants it to look like, hes kinda asked you to decide it hasnt he, which makes me think he's not very organised and is probably all talk and he probably wont do anything about it

he has asked multiple times before and she’s always said no. He’s also asked for every other weekend (doesn’t sound like someone who hasn’t thought about what he wants it too look like considering he already has DD 2 night a week which OP changes to suit her)

grumpygrape · 27/05/2024 22:05

DearestGentleReader · 27/05/2024 21:32

You have responsibilities.
Your child has rights.
She has a right to a meaningful relationship and quality time with her dad (not just two bullshit weeknights when it happens to suit you).
You have a responsibility to support this.
She has the rights. You have the responsibilities.
Repeat as necessary.

This, every time.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 27/05/2024 22:10

orangeleopard · 27/05/2024 21:16

People are jumping at your throat but I feel you. My ex only wanted every other weekend - and that’s what he got. I’m the ‘boring’ parent that does the hard work during the week, that has the rules and the school runs. He’s the parent that has no rules and the only time he sees our child is during the ‘fun’ time. I do every bit of hard work for our child and only have half the ‘fun’, I don’t think that’s fair. Especially the view of our child to view me as stressed and miserable and his dad as carefree due to the timings he sees us.

And I know a lot of people will jump at this, but isn’t it funny that your Ex didn’t want 50/50 during the harder times when your child was younger, during potty training and the tantrums of a toddler. But now your child is edging towards a more ‘manageable’ age, he suddenly wants more time. You cannot pick and choose when you want to raise your child.

my personal opinion is that 50/50 doesn’t work for children, it benefits more the parents than the children. Loads of parents say ‘it works for us’ but then the children when adults say that they hated it. I sympathise with the parent the children doesn’t live with but I think it’s pretty selfish when parents want a child to change their home every few days/week… that’s the parents benefit not the child.

Best post of the week. My DC hates transition - it caused them so much stress. I was thinking about it yet again today - they are now a young adult, but still quite clingy. The conversation this week involved a year away at a uni for their course. No - won't do it. Don't want to be away from home.

The 50:50 claim from fathers is normally to avoid maintenance. The women on here claiming that the father just wants to see their children equally is usually a 2nd wife or fairly new partner.

But OP - that man is their father and you will need to be more giving about time spent. Alternative weekends is the very least you will be expected to give. Family Court is very misogynist and very expensive.

WhatInTheFuckery · 27/05/2024 22:23

What you're pretty much doing is preventing your child from having a good relationship with their dad for your own benefit. You haven't actually given any reason why he shouldn't have 50/50 other than YOU want to spend more time with her, it'll stop YOUR maintainence. I don't think he's asking for anything unreasonable

Bootskates · 27/05/2024 22:49

The women on here claiming that the father just wants to see their children equally is usually a 2nd wife or fairly new partner.

Not me, I've been a single parent around a year less than OP and hate nothing more than a new girlfriend going to bat for her deadbeat boyfriend not realising or caring that he's been flaking for years and mum would LOVE some help but not facilitating weekends seems harsh. Most people here are advising OP to facilitate fair contact including weekends for the good of her daughter. Most judges would tear her apart if she went to court now with the current "I won't allow it" stance, as many people have said above.

DottieMoon · 27/05/2024 22:50

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 21:04

Why should he have weekends? Then I don’t get as much time with her and she my daughter. Jesus Christ 🤦‍♀️

You are ridiculous. Maybe you’ve had too many vinos!
just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you have any more right over your daughter than her dad. You have stated no valid reasons for him not to have 50/50 and you are just being completely selfish. Shameful attitude and behaviour.

TheIceQween · 27/05/2024 23:20

Is he on the birth certificate?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/05/2024 23:22

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 21:04

Why should he have weekends? Then I don’t get as much time with her and she my daughter. Jesus Christ 🤦‍♀️

Because she is HIS daughter as well! You should share the weekends.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 27/05/2024 23:22

A mother is no more important than a father. You're both parents.

He can take you to court and I hope he wins. I also hope he takes you back to court for breaking the court order.

PlantDoctor · 27/05/2024 23:23

Wow.

Ladyzfactor · 27/05/2024 23:31

Yeah, because all fathers tremble with fear and refuse to be around teenage daughters.

BBKP · 27/05/2024 23:39

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 21:05

School holidays stay the same, still 2 nights in the week but they change depending on what I’m working if my partner can’t have her

So your partner is your first choice to look after over her actual dad?! This makes no sense. You don’t seem to care about what’s actually best for her. Seems to me this is more about getting one over on your ex.

catchthepigeon98 · 27/05/2024 23:40

You don’t own your child and you would rather have your partner look after her than her own dad but it’s fine for her dad to look after her for your childcare when your partner can’t. Think you need to put the wine down.

therealcookiemonster · 27/05/2024 23:45

@Pickledeverything oh dear. if you are this unhinged when you are not sloshed then I really worry for your DD. keeping her away from her dad like this will only make her resent you when she is older.
children shouldn't be used to score points against your ex.

your attitude towards your daughter sounds toxic if I am honest. a bit like my mum who saw me as somethint she owned and poisoned against my father. give you a guess how that relationship turned out.

Royaly82 · 27/05/2024 23:50

No I don't think he's a d**k I would love my children's father to want them as much as me! Unfortunately I made terrible choices in men. 50/50 sounds fair when both are good decent parents 🤷‍♀️

debbs77 · 27/05/2024 23:53

Check out the group Childrens Rights UK. I think you'll be in for a shock.

Your daughter has the right to both her parents.

As her parents you have responsibilities. But not rights.

As her mum you don't automatically trump him.

You're not 'allowing' him time with her. It is her right to have that.

Courts SHOULD start at 50/50 and then adjust from there.

The first step would be mediation and then court. You can self represent

ClairDeLaLune · 27/05/2024 23:56

iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week You “let” him? He’s her father! She is as much related to him as she is to you. Why should you get to dictate what time he has with her? You sound very controlling and selfish OP.

hot2trotter · 27/05/2024 23:58

I wouldn't worry. At 11, your child's voice will be the biggest. Not his (or even yours). I know as I'm in the same boat with my child (also 11) who doesn't want overnights with his dad anymore and hasn't been forced to - despite my ex pushing for it.

ClairDeLaLune · 27/05/2024 23:58

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 21:04

Why should he have weekends? Then I don’t get as much time with her and she my daughter. Jesus Christ 🤦‍♀️

She’s his daughter too.

Theunamedcat · 27/05/2024 23:59

I dont think your genuine no-one can be this much of a cliché

swimsong · 28/05/2024 00:01

Pickledeverything · 27/05/2024 21:02

Because he’s her dad and he’s always been allowed to have her 2 nights a week and now he’s saying he wants 50/50. J don’t believe any mum on this site would allow their ex to have their kids 50/50.

You're wrong.

iamtheblcksheep · 28/05/2024 00:01

Poor kid. There’s only one dick in this situation and it ain’t her dad.

You are a really bad parent putting your needs above your child’s

Shan5474 · 28/05/2024 00:05

But she’s only 50% yours. I’m interested to find out what makes him a dick because I haven’t heard a reason yet

Lavenderblossoms · 28/05/2024 00:10

I hope he does take you to court.