My ex is a d**k!!

[Pickledeverything]

Me and my ex split up when my daughter was 1 and she is now 11, iv always let him have her 2 nights in the week. Hes now asking for 50/50 and says he doesn’t mind what it looks like but wants it to include every other weekend!! Iv said no because then I won’t get much time with my child because I work and she’s at school etc and I feel like he’s doing it to stop paying maintanace. He’s now threatening to take me to cort and I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court only get a Wednesday overnight and every other weekend so he will get less time because I won’t allow the weekend to happen. I’m refusing to pay for a soliciter for his issues so what do I do? Can he make me to court and will they pay for a soliciter for me? Tia xx

Because he's her father. She deserves a relationship with him as well.

Are you concerned about the way your ex treats your daughter OP?

I laughed because I know for a fact that all the dads of friends who go to court

What the hell kind of circles do you move in?!
I’m divorced, about half my parent friends are divorced. There’s been disagreements, sure and even mediation. I only know one person who has taken child arrangements all the way to a judge.

You sound awful and manipulative

I think you’ve fundamentally misunderstood how it works.

Children have a right to a relationship with both parents. Parents have responsibilities, not rights.

You ex may be a dick who only wants to stop paying maintenance, but he may just want to spend more time with his child. It’s hard to tell which it is from this as your posts aren’t very clear and are quite thin on factual information.

In most cases it’s fair that each parent gets half of the weekends - unless one parent is abusive or negligent, or somehow incapable of parenting/ providing a stable home.

In your case I think going straight from two unreliable nights in the week to 50:50 sounds like a lot for your daughter. Maybe start with offering every other weekend and a night in the week?

You are wrong.

If he's a good Dad and there are no concerns for your daughter's welfare whilst she's in his care then what is the issue? I think this is obviously a case of what is best for you, not her. Especially with the maintenance comment.

There are plenty of single parents on this site who would love for their ex spouse to be more involved with their child/ren.

Yes you have to work, but she also has to go to school during the day so even if you didn't work, you wouldn't see her anyway.

Take your weekends off as an opportunity to do you things.

And I know a lot of people will jump at this, but isn’t it funny that your Ex didn’t want 50/50 during the harder times when your child was younger, during potty training and the tantrums of a toddler. But now your child is edging towards a more ‘manageable’ age, he suddenly wants more time. You cannot pick and choose when you want to raise your child.

I did wonder about this. It could be this or it could be he didn’t realise the set up was unusual, is a bit passive etc. Could be a new influence in his life, such as a girlfriend. It’s hard to know from the OP’s posts.

My ex does every other weekend and not much else tbh. But it gives me a social life I didn’t have before. He didn’t do overnights at all when we first split. I know a few people that do 50/50. Your daughter will need a say if it goes to court. Ideally my ex would do a night in the week as well. But he doesn’t live locally.

This!!!! Spot on.

It does seem odd that he should suddenly want 50/50 after 10 years but you have to be clear on a few things.
At 11 your dd might well be asked by the court what she wants. You saying she’s too young, will say she wants to spend time with you might be seen as controlling so you’d have to tread carefully there.
Saying you have “ allowed” your ex set times with your dd also might not go down well.Courts expect parents to work cooperatively for the best interests of the child.
If your ex feels he’s paying maintenance unfairly he may ask the court to reduce it, stating that you could work. I’m not saying this is fair but he could do it. ( mine claimed his wife thought it was unfair for him to pay and as I worked ft it should stop. He lied in court saying she was so distressed at the expense ( on 2 ft wages) she was going to leave. Found in his favour. All money stopped. Then I found out she’d left him 6 weeks before court date so courts not always fairest ime)

Sorry this is long. Just think before you jump in and be 100% sure of anything you say.

He left you, not his dd.

Why do you think you should get every weekend with dd?

She's also his daughter! Every other weekend is not unreasonable. Neither is 50/50 - it's important for a child to spend time with BOTH her parents. You don't 'allow' her father to have her 2 nights a week - he has as much right to have her as you do. Courts will take a very dim view of you withholding access to your child, you need to rethink and act in the best interests of your daughter.

@orangeleopard 50/50 does work in many cases. A couple I know did 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next (alternative Saturdays) and it was best solution for all 3 of them - particularly when sadly the mother died when the son was 7 and the transition to full time with dad wasn't part of the trauma.

OP has said he has been asking for 50/50 for years but she refused and used the excus the daughter was too young.

Now his ramped his requests up.

Doesn't sound to me like it's to do with maintenance or that she is more 'manageable'

It’s not that hard, she clearly said he’s been asking for 50/50 for years but she’s been saying no and claiming dd was too young (which was bullshit for the last 8+ years anyway).

Who are you? The virgin Mary?

Sounds to me like you're pissed off to fuck that he left 10 years ago and this is your way of gaining control and getting one up on him in a sense by calling the shots on time with his kid.

Strange behaviour.

Courts will consider parental alienation from you and may give him more contact than he is requesting.

Sounds like you came here to rant about your ex (maybe even tear down his reputation a little) and have your opinion validated by strangers. If you wanted validation, you should've gone to your single, agreeable girlfriends who don't know anything about being a good mother and will say, "You're doing the right thing!" or, "He's such a d*ck!" You're going to get genuinely honest answers here, no BS.

The fact of the matter is, what you've said isn't the right thing.

Like many others have said, your daughter is your ex's daughter as well. You both made her. 50% of her DNA comes from her father. You should be making a conscientious effort for him to have equal time (50%) with your daughter. If you have custody of her and you don't spend enough quality time with her, that is something you need to work on, not punish your ex for by taking his time with her away. If you're working and you don't see her much, why not take on shifts at a different time of the day so you have more time with her? Maybe your partner could take on more work so you can work less and spend more time with her. There are a number of life changes you could make, but that's on you, not your ex. He sounds like he's made his own sacrifices to make the time for your daughter.

As for your attitude towards the courts, I'm astounded you think that way. If you think you're entitled to the court ruling in your favour (just because you're the mother) and resulting in your ex having less time with your daughter when he's proven he's a good father who wants to be with his daughter more than the 2 days a week you've allowed, you need to re-evaluate your way of thinking and your attitude as a mother. The courts will see right through you and deny your claims. They might even rule in favour of your ex and give him custody of your daughter. You have no legal footing. Have you thought about the stress your daughter will be under if she becomes the rope in your game of tug-of-war?

I'm not going to claim I know anything about you or your life, but you're not coming off well here, based on what you've said. I sincerely hope you think about your actions more carefully and involve everyone in your decisions. This is something you need to talk about with your ex. You share a daughter together, you can't ever be done and dusted with him. You will always have a connection, whether you like the guy or not.

Here are my suggestions, and you're free to ignore them or ponder on them if you want, it's entirely up to you. Ideally, the best environment for a child is for both parents to be together, happy, and in love, but that's not possible in your situation, so this is what I suggest:

• Be a mature adult and try to be on good terms with your ex. He sounds like a good man (your claim about him not wanting to pay child support is purely speculation and you have no proof), and you shouldn't cut him out of your daughter's life or poison her against him. That's toxic and narcissistic behaviour. I'm not saying you need to be best friends with your ex, but being on good terms benefits everyone and your daughter will be happier. The last thing she needs is to see her parents fighting and hating each other. She will also grow up to resent you, and maybe despise you, for keeping her from him.
• Leave the courts out of this. It puts too much strain on everyone's relationships. Your daughter will be under immense stress, which will affect her physical health, mental health, school, friendships, relationship with you, etc. Also, legal fees aren't cheap. There'll be no financial support for you. It's not worth it.
• Ask your daughter what she wants. She may be 11 and too young to make certain life-changing decisions herself, but she's old enough to know whether she wants to spend more time with daddy or not. Don't persuade her or influence her in any way. Have an honest conversation with her and find out what she wants. She deserves to be heard.
• Let your ex have more time with your daughter. He's well within his rights to have more time with her. 50/50 is fair for non-violent/non-abusive, loving parents who want to be with their child. Breaking up time into days per week is too complicated and doesn't allow for a stable environment for your daughter. Let him have her for a whole week or two at a time. Then you have her for a week or two, and keep repeating. You can take turns having her over the holidays. If you're on good terms with your ex, you could even spend holidays together. Don't stress over what your partner thinks, he should be understanding of this. Your daughter's happiness comes first. Before yours, before his, before your ex's. This is what being a parent is.
• Make friends with other parents (this includes fathers). You should have a group of friends you can talk to who will understand what you're going through and be able to give advice. They don't have to be like-minded. It's probably best you have a diverse group of friends so you can see things from other perspectives. Having agreeable friends keeps you in a bubble, which can be dangerous. You need friends who will say things to you straight, even if you don't like what they say. Accepting criticism isn't easy because our pride often gets in the way, but it is essential for character development and maturity.

I know you haven't been supported here like you wanted, and that's okay. Your situation calls for honest opinions, so you've been getting a different kind of support. I hope you take the time to read every comment. You're in the presence of mothers and women trying to conceive. If the majority of comments are saying the opposite of what you want to hear, you should listen. We don't want you to make a decision that will hurt your daughter.

He can go for a 50 spilt.

She's 11 and, if she wants to spend half the time with him, the courts will allow it.

She's almost in secondary school and is not a little kid anymore.

SHE decides, NOT you.

Hmmm, an 11-year-old child deciding on how she wants her life to be? I don't think so.

Why wasn't he around for her for all those years?

Stick to your guns OP. Is there a new woman in his life he wants to impress what a "great dad he is"?? get her pregnant another deadbeat?

It isn't the 1970s. You sound the dick to be frank.

The words of someone who doesn't understand the UK court system.

The daughter's opinion at this age is likely to be taken into account.

50/50 is very normal and the courts would likely support it, or at least moving towards it. And he has been around, and advocating for increased access- it is the op who has been resistant.

By telling the op to "stick to her guns" you're setting her up for a potentially massive disappointment if it went to court.

You're SO unreasonable!

You say he's doing it to pay less maintenance....perhaps you're being so stubborn so the payments remain higher? Works both ways!

My partner of 3 years is a great dad to his 2dc. He left their mum 7 years ago however she's never stopped punishing him for this. Since they split, his dc have never woken up on their birthday or Xmas day in his home. Even if it's his designated night with them. Same goes for Bonfire Night, Halloween, Easter etc. She wants all the good bits. She's threatened to move if he dares question her, and she has the financial means to do this. He sought legal advice when she wouldn't allow him to see their dc following their split and since then, he has them eow plus one weeknight. He must do all the pick ups and drop offs and he pays well above cms, which she calculates. He also pays half for hobbies, school clothes, friends bday gifts etc etc. He has a wardrobe full of clothes at his house for them. He lives in fear of her taking them away from him.

You need to get over yourself, stop trying to punish him and be a good parent by encouraging a relationship between them.

And btw, she never lets him forget that their dc are being "raised in a broken home" because of him. It's ludicrous imho.

I have dc in their late teens and their dad was the opposite of my current partner. I'd have bitten his hand off for a fairer split.

Because she's his daughter as well. Of course he should have weekends. If that's what she wants as well. She's 11. She is old enough to say.