Is this CF or AIBU?

[CFornot123]

It’s a money one!

Recently came into some money (not insignificant to me but not significant either). I haven’t made it widely known and only told a couple of very close relatives (let’s call one of them relative A) but asked them not to tell anyone. Yesterday at Sunday lunch, relative B was telling me about a new hobby (an expensive one) they’ve decided to start but they’re struggling to afford to buy the required equipment.
This morning I got a message from relative B asking if I’d mind buying them the equipment they need for their hobby as a gift (approx 2k in all). Turns out relative A told them all about the windfall, how much and told relative B I’d buy them what they needed.
AIBU to think both A and B are out of order? I asked A not to tell anyone and had no reason to assume they would. Why should I fund B’s new expensive hobby? If they can’t afford it then choose something different? Or should I give them the money they need?

edited to add that relative B wasn’t one of the people I personally told so should not have known

Just tell B that the hobby sounds fun but they got the wrong end of the stick - it was A who had volunteered to pay for their stuff not you.

You contribute now, you better believe they will be back for more. Nip it in the bud.

Why the actual fudge would you give them ANY money now?

Unless you planned to gift some of the money to B anyway do not dream of giving them a penny!

Really. You are going to have to say no at some point it might as well be now. They will keep coming back. Once you give some of that money they will then see it as "our" money rather than "your" money and more requests will come either from B or directly from A and anyone else they might tell "CFornot123 is loaded. If you want something specific now is the time to ask".

Please do not give them any money that you hadn't already planned on giving.

I know it's hard to say 'no', particularly to some people.
If you would LIKE to give them a gift, make it small and attach it to a birthday or similar.
If you are only giving a gift to appease people, then PLEASE DO NOT. They will take that as an invitation to be back for more and badger you.
For your current and future mental health, please do not bend to their will/CF expectations.

Does CF B have a big birthday coming up? If so, I would suggest that your contribution towards this hobby be a birthday gift. If not, then suggest that's their birthday gift for the next X number of years covered. Safe yourself some hassle with finding gifts at least if you're going to be a soft touch!

Agree with the laughing emojii and add some clapping hands!!

I'd also guess A is a parent and B a sibling and the answer is still no.

I'd be tempted to say I donated it to charity - so many people in dire need, better not to be wasted on hobbies and fun. Then never speak of it again. I'd probably also donate a bit, so not an outright lie in my hypothetical case.

they are as cheeky as they come @CFornot123

Don't tell anyone anything is my new motto having been completely embarrassed recently by a couple of people I trusted having immediately passed on highly confidential information to others who went and blabbed indiscriminately to all. Trust no one. Sad but...

OP there's thread in Chat that's been running for a few days...

Money you may as well have set on fire | Mumsnet

Read that and see how many of the posts are from people who have paid out a small fortune for the right equipment for a hobby, only for the hobby never to be done again. And then say no.

Yes it will cause family ructions, but is this the event that makes you face up to where you stand and back off a bit? If the dynamic is what people are suggesting it was always going to be a triumph of hope over experience that your mother wouldn't say anything.

Hi B, Certainly I can give you 2 grand.
There may be a bit of a delay tho.
I invested it all in a pension fund at work as my financial advisor said I was underfunded. I've also taken out a life insurance policy and put the rest into a long term ISA, which sadly has gone down in value.
So I can't withdraw the money now until I'm 55 I think, but I will definitely give it to you then.

They obviously see you as a pushover and they are right. A gets away with breaching your confidence and B gets some of your money.

Prepare yourself for some more requests for handouts, you are showing them just how easy it is.

Why give anything? It's not their money and they have no right to any of it. Invest, give to charity, whatever, but not them.

Both Relative S and Relative B have behaved appallingly. YANBU.

I'd be like, sorry Iv invested the money in a 5 year tied in product.

'Also don’t have to guts to tell A what I really think about their breach of trust!'

You do not have to tell them if you do not want to, but learn from your experience.
Do not trust them with anymore information - unless it is 'I have spent it all!'

If you give money to B you just confirm to both A and B that they were right in their actions (when you know that they were both wrong). They will carry on treating you like this if you let them.

I know it's not the same thing, but that reminds me of a post from a few years ago where five siblings inherited an equal split of their parents' money.

The eldest of the five tried to guilt the other four into letting her have ALL the money - BUT... she would leave it to them in her will!

That's right: they would not benefit from their inheritance for another 30/40 years or so, but they would receive it (without interest and not index-linked, I'm assuming) eventually, once somebody of the same generation as them had died and they were already gone or in their closing years themselves!

why should it be YOUR job to buy expensive equipment for a relative's new hobby? Are they going to share profits with you? No way would I be doing that. Dodgy as mate. Keep your money. The grifters can find another one to beg from.

But they won't give it up when they can no longer afford it - because, as far as they're concerned, they've secured long-term funding for it courtesy of OP!

Sorry OP, but you're the problem. Keep your financial information private!

Say no to B and pull up your big girl pants to give relative A a bollocking for breaching your trust.

Honestly, this is so out of order. The cheek!
You have to say, No, to B and then tell A what B told you and that A has show themselves not to be trusted.

If I were feeling particularly BAD, I would play mind games with them. I would write back to B and say: "Sorry, I haven't a bean! In fact, I was planning to ask you if you could lend me some money until pay day?"

B then goes back to A and A is in a complete quandry, because she can hardly ask you, having promised not to tell! She might raise the question in a roundabout way and you could really send her over the edge by saying: "Windfall? What windfall? Are you imagining things? Maybe you should look out for early-onset dementia? I'm so worried about you, A"

[Evil James-Bond-villain laughter]

OP - AIBU for being annoyed at CF relatives and not wanting to subsidise someone?

Everyone - YANBU and no way should you subsidise them!!

OP - I am going to subsidise them, and WHAT'S MORE - I am not going to say a thing about my annoyance.

Why the hell have you bothered to start this thread then @CFornot123 . Utter waste of time.