Is this CF or AIBU?

[CFornot123]

It’s a money one!

Recently came into some money (not insignificant to me but not significant either). I haven’t made it widely known and only told a couple of very close relatives (let’s call one of them relative A) but asked them not to tell anyone. Yesterday at Sunday lunch, relative B was telling me about a new hobby (an expensive one) they’ve decided to start but they’re struggling to afford to buy the required equipment.
This morning I got a message from relative B asking if I’d mind buying them the equipment they need for their hobby as a gift (approx 2k in all). Turns out relative A told them all about the windfall, how much and told relative B I’d buy them what they needed.
AIBU to think both A and B are out of order? I asked A not to tell anyone and had no reason to assume they would. Why should I fund B’s new expensive hobby? If they can’t afford it then choose something different? Or should I give them the money they need?

edited to add that relative B wasn’t one of the people I personally told so should not have known

I think your money would be better spent on therapy OP, to unravel this golden child/scapegoat dynamic in your family. Hope B enjoys the hobby and you don't have any emergencies in life because you won't be able to rely on A or B to help that's for sure.

OP, for the love of god you do not have to contribute to other people's hobbies. Get some boundaries, for goodness sake, before all this people pleasing blows up in your face.

@Nanaof1 nails it.

Honestly don't contribute. You're just going to open the flood gates.
I'd tell them that you've decided to clear your mortgage or have locked it all away in a 10 year bond thing where you can't access it and let that be the end of it!

I agree. Don’t give them anything. They’re being greedy vampires, circling around your money.

This 100 per cent!

OP most of us are brought up to be kind and considerate to our families. But as you become an adult and more independent you also have to be kind and considerate to yourself! Times are changing and there is less and less state help now if you are too sick to work, need to retire, need an operation with a LONG waiting list, a suddenly unemployed, want to retrain to improve your career.

I think the pressure on you here is that you are afraid that A and B will pile on you and call you mean.... "Oh the Horror @CFornot123 is MEAN!!! She won't give me £2 grand for my hobby! Poor Me. Woe is me! Everybody hate CFornot. Boo Double Hoo" "C Fornot you are such a selfish child. I am asking you to give the money because its a way of me showing B how much I love them and how much I am willing to pressurise others to give B money. So B will be even more grateful and loving to ME."

Im glad B only wants money and doesn't need one of your kidneys.

I've been there and I guarantee this is what is going on.
Just think. They say this. So what. How long can they keep it up?
Is it worse to hear them complaing? I bet they complain a lot. I bet life is hard all the time for B and B needs special consideration. Or is it worse knowing that you have been royally CF'ed and will continue to be CF'ed at every opportunity by both.

Sieze your independence. I'm not saying go NC. Just stand up for yourself. Yes they will keep asking and bad mouth you but so effing what? Let them!! Don't they already do that anyway? What's new? they can't keep it up forever. In fact you can come back with the same nonsense and say things to them like "You only care about me for the money." See how they like that. (Actually that would be a last resort. but the concept of throwing it back on them is a sound one)

B. Do they work? Oh CFornot - if I don't get this £2k I won't become a professional photographer to royality, compete in Olympic dressage, play at Glastonbury. If £2k is all that's stopping B. Here's an idea. They can WORK and SAVE up. "B... I'm thinking of you. It would be so much more meaningful for you if you did this yourself. etc." You could have a lot of fun with that one.
I note B did'nt ask for a loan. She could get an interest free credit card and pay it back over 24 months at a rate of £83 a month. Ask her what other plans she has to finance the expensive hobby. I bet you are the main plan and will continue to be.

If she can't afford that then she can't afford the hobby anyway and any money you put in will be wasted. Once you make one payment on this hobby B will never stop. And the pressure will be greater because time and your money will already be invested.

There comes a time when you have to think of yourself before your siblings. It is not mean, it is not selfish and it is not evil and I am sorry that your family can't see that. What's the rush anyway. Why doesn't B prove themself in this hobby and you might consider it. They sound too lazy and entitled to do that. We don't have to pander to lazy and entitled people to stop them from calling us mean!! Why must you dash up with handfuls of cash before you've even decided how you are going to spend this on something substantial or keep for life's emergencies. What if you have children later on?
Tell DM to take the £2k out of your inheritance and give it to B. Problem solved.

You don't get many windfalls in life that could get you through difficult times.

“I note B did'nt ask for a loan. She could get an interest free credit card and pay it back over 24 months at a rate of £83 a month. Ask her what other plans she has to finance the expensive hobby. I bet you are the main plan and will continue to be.”

yes!

And don’t let her suggest you loan her the money , as you’ll never see it again. You need to stand firm. Her hobbies and expenses aren’t your responsibility.

Tell B that the money is tied up so you benefit when you are older, So you won’t be able to help her. Nothing more.
As for A… if you feel you can’t tackle her that’s understandable , but never discuss anything with her again, as you know she won’t keep it to herself.

These AIBU money threads usually go the same way.

Why would you contribute when you know you shouldn't? You will be opening the floodgates.

Politely, why the fuck would you agree to contribute?! Stand up for yourself FGS.

@CFornot123 IF you tolerate this, then your windfall will be next..

Do NOT indulge this CFB person. and DO give the CFA person a shot across the bows.

This will be only the start of more requests.. because you bought X, now I need Y.

NO. NO NO NO NO NO!

Do not contribute!! That sends completely the wrong message and at some point, when you have to refuse one of the many other demands, this will be thrown back in you face.
Say no now and get all of the backlash out of the way now. There’s no way you can avoid the criticism so may as well keep your money.

Who needs relatives like this! But it wasn't very sensible to tell relative A in the first place was it.

Just what were you thinking?

If you didn't want anyone to know - why tell anyone?

What drove you to be compelled to tell someone else?

And now you act surprised because they told someone!!!!

People want more money. People need more money. People would love it if a windfall came their way.

Alongside the wishing you well, will be envy, jealousy, a sigh of regret that it didn't happen for them, a teaming up with others who are struggling with cash to offload their disappointment. Or they'll be bubbling over with excitement for you and can't wait to tell others. Or someone will come to them with financial cash problems, which they can't personally solve .... but they will think of you sitting on that pile of "extra windfall cash"

And every single person will have an opinion on how you should spend this "extra cash".

You idiot for telling anyone.

I think it's rather cheeky for relative B to ask for any money, I'd she wants to do a hobby, its upto her to buy the equipment, something she would have to do if you had not got the windfall....the sense of entitlement is so bewildering to me...Tell her you have already put the money into an isa, or paid off a loan, lie if you have too....If you did lend her the money, l imagine you will wait a long time before she pays you back, if at all. I am totally gobsmacked she would ask you in the first place....unbelievable

Never tell relatives what you’ve got.

This ! A was totally out of order and so was B .

Don't give anything. But why did you tell anyone about this money!!

@CFornot123 leave the country until they give up asking?

Say no or you're just opening the flood gates to more cf'ers...
Can't believe they even asked... Struggling for food maybe but a hobby... Hells bells.

YADNBU. Both relatives are completely out of order!

Have A or B said anything to you since @CFornot123 ?

@CFornot123 Do not bloody contribute!!!

They are a CF and I guarantee this won’t be the last thing they ask for. The minute you hand over any cash, you’ll be seen as a soft touch and they’ll bleed you dry!

Keep your money to yourself and tell relative A, they’re an arse. And don’t share any personal/financial info with them again.

Even the word 'contribute' is really off here, imho.

That suggests 'doing your bit' for 'a worthy cause', 'we're all in this together for the greater good' etc.

Call it what it is: somebody who has grand ideas for an expensive luxury hobby that they will enjoy and is expecting you to fund it - somebody who may not even have been thinking of that hobby until they heard that you'd come into some money and could have been wracking their brains as to just how they could spend it.