I’m more beautiful than you and my house is bigger and nicer

[Summersinthenineties]

Neighbours over the back look after their 6 year old granddaughter, she’s also friends with my Dd at school. She always comes to stay for the day with them on a Sunday. Dd often runs into the back garden and they call to each other over the fence. The girl sometimes comes to play or Dd goes there.
We live in a nice cul de sac type area, so houses are all basically the same, aside from they’ve had renovations and have added an extra bedroom and pool, as some in the area have done.
Dd has just run in crying that this girl has shouted to her that she’s (Dd) is not beautiful and she is and that our house is small and not beautiful and her house is big and more beautiful.
Dd is really upset as has a big group of friends, boys and girls all lovely and isn’t used to this yet. I realise kids are kids and it will happen in the future, but how would you deal with this?
Her words are really pissing me off and I think she needs to learn/be taught not to say things like that. Would you message and tell the mum/grandma or leave it and maybe not encourage the friendship so much?

This small child has said something which an adult ( or another child) may interpret as unkind.
The mind of a 6 year old is not that of an ambitious, bragging adult.
Ignore, move on.

Are you saying the girl’s actual home is tiny and that the girl is spoilt? So you do notice these things yourself and do pass judgement on others, and the girl’s actual home is quite small?

Maybe the girl actually feels ugly and inadequate and is trying to make herself feel better, because she perceives your dd to be pretty and more fortunate than she is, and, by “taking her under her wing,” to be showing off her popularity? Those sorts of comments don’t normally come from a sense of superiority, they are more often from a sense of inadequacy, because it’s not normal to notice and then comment on these things as though they have any importance or relevance if you actually are happy with your lot in life. Your dd has just shown herself to be happy and secure and not accustomed to dealing with insecure people who think making others hurt too will make them feel better.

It might be time to explain to your dd that not everyone feels secure and happy with their place in the world, and comments like this reveal that they are not a very happy person and are trying to make other people feel sad like them.

The alternative, of course, is that the grandmother doesn’t like missing out on time with her granddaughter by having her keep disappearing off next door, so is trying to put her off going round to yours in all sorts of deeply inappropriate ways. That’s a bit weird, though.

My friends who were only children were actually some of the nicest, most inclusive kids I know.

All the ones I encountered behaving like your cousin had siblings.

I wouldn’t message as that makes a bigger deal out of this than it is. Neighbour girl is like a dog howling at the moon.

If I were you I’d take out your own emotions. If you react too strongly your daughter could take it more seriously.

Can you explain to your daughter

• only insecure people would say such a thing
• it doesn’t matter what the house looks like as long as the family who lives there is happy
• the most important thing about our body is that it is healthy

@Lavengro: "This #bekind stuff is only ever aimed at women and girls ..."

I don't know about the "#", but "This 'be kind' stuff" is very much not only ever aimed at women and girls. I, for one, brought up sons (and they (and daughters) bring up grandsons) to try and be kind and pleasant to others.

You may think this makes for wimpy women, girls, men and boys. Is that your objection? - That by this women and girls learn to submit to the dictates of others? No! It doesn't follow from showing kindness to others that you are not yourself strong and able to stick up for yourself and your rights. Just the opposite, in fact.

"Be kind" is not the same as "Be submissive" or "Let people trample over you without sticking up for yourself". Not at all. Sticking up for yourself whilst trying to be kind and pleasant - yes, even to your oppressors - is very much more effective than a simple "get even" injunction ever could be (with or without a hashtag '#').

The effective, successful lives my children live are evidence of this. Women and men, they allow no-one to ride rough-shod over them ... but they still try to be as kind and pleasant as possible -- and they teach their children the same.

You're just plain wrong, @Lavengro. (I hope you don't think it unkind of me to point this out!)

She is going to come across a lot worse than this in life. All you can do is equip your child on how to respond and react. You can’t go around fire fighting for them whenever anyone says something remotely unkind. Such is life.

If that had been my Gdd on the receiving end, I’d just tell her that the girl was a) being unkind, and b) had very bad manners, plus how glad I was to know that my Gdd would never say such things to anybody.

See id want to know if my kids were little bullies. I go hard on my kids teaching them about that stuff. she may be 6 but if they don't get told then how will they learn ? Its already horrible that she feels the need to say stuff like that

I still remember at my age that my best friend said her mum told her her blue eyes were beautiful and my brown eyes were healthy.
I would just tell your daughter her friend is being silly and it’s not true. And then ignore. Saying anything to parent won’t help anything

Kids, eh!

On a less frivolous note, we (society) are giving our daughters the wrong message by teaching them that beauty and materiality matter above all else. (And yes, DD's friend has certainly heard this from somewhere).

That many of us grow up to retain this pervasive attitude - unsurprisingly, because it's everywhere - is evidenced in the many, many MN threads from women who dread the onset of 'invisibility' in middle age. That day can't come quickly enough for me.

Women are not reducible to our fertility and the looks we possess in our youth. It saddens me that a girl so young as six should already have internalized that message.

Society is vapid, shallow, and values the wrong things. Women are not put on this planet to decorate it.

but this is a great learning lesson for you to give to your DD. That not everyone is nice, that there are bullies out there everywhere and not very nice people

One of my kids thought he was a lion. Kids say daft things.

This is why we have to build our children’s self esteem and self worth, so when they do hear comments like this they don’t take much notice. It’s not easy though! There’s always going to be kids that say things like this though, unfortunately.

OP, it sounds like this has all struck a nerve, and you’ve taken it much more to heart than your daughter has. It’s made you compare and assess your daughter’s looks and hair, it’s made you question the comparative niceness of your house relative to the grandmas, and what she thinks of that.

I think you need to reach your daughter resilience, and equip yourself with a bit more, too. I’m sorry those words have hurt you and your daughter, they were mean and unkind, but with more resilience from you both they would have simply blown away in the wind instead of living in your head.

You can’t change other people, sadly (the unkind girl has learnt this behaviour from somewhere). So maybe best to arm yourselves against them.

You tell your dd that some people are very mean minded. Would you say these horrible things to make someone feel sad? No, then you’re a lovely child and you hope miss next door will learn to be a nice child one day.
Maybe she’d like another friend to come and play next weekend?

I remember my childhood being sent out to play with my brothers and friends and don't come in until teatime. This kind of banter could have gone on between the group for ages. So friend might have started the conversation in the way your DD's friend did and the next person would say something like: -
"We've got a swing in the back garden"
"We've got a record player"
"I have a cassette player"
"What's that? I have my own bedroom"
"My sister has a Sony Walkman"
"My dad has a green car"
"My dad has a red car and my mum has one too"
"My uncle lives in London" (forced emigration)
"My auntie went on holidays to Torquay/Turkey (where the hell is that?)
"My dad is a policeman"
"Well, my dad is much bigger than your dad and he could beat him up anytime" (no-one took this seriously)
and so on until ...
"Well, we've got a dog"
Bit of silence here while everyone realised how lucky we actually were even if we didn't have a swing or a Sony Walkman and our Dad drove the smallest car on the street. Then, a big shout:
"Who wants to play Hide & Seek, Mary's on?!" Then, a big scatter to hide whilst Mary is counting and later we all went home tired and happy.

So, it was great fun in a big group. Lots of the claims could not be verified, no-one had ever been beyond the front door of Frank's house to see his swing, and none of them would be challenged anyway. Lots of different types of houses on our street and lots of different incomes too. But they were golden summer and we were all equal when we were out playing.

Bit different when it's just two children, seems a bit mean and things are so much more PC these days even for children. Maybe, teach your child to be ready if the other child tries it again. "Oh, that's nice, we have lovely roses in our garden" "Can we just say nice things to each other?" (bit softer than the typical MN response of "did you mean to be so rude?") It's so nice to have a playmate on the street, try and work around it, they might grow apart as they grow older but it seems a shame to fall at the first hurdle.

There's a horrid boy in my dd's class who's been saying these type of things to my dd since she was about 7 (they're 9 now), how she's so ugly, so stupid etc. When she first told me about what he was saying to her we told her that what's important is what SHE thinks - she KNOWS she's not ugly, she KNOWS she's not stupid, so that just goes to show what a horrid child he is, trying to make another child upset by saying unkind and untrue things about them. And anyway, looks and intelligence isn't what's important - she has a kind heart and good soul and THAT'S what matters, not what some nasty little child says to her. He still tells her every single lunchtime (she's forced to sit with him) how ugly she is, how everyone hates her (they don't, she's a sunny little happy soul with some great core friends), and she's amazing at being able to ignore the little fucker.

Is your daughter a only child? It sounds like she is not used to siblings winding her up or other children being unkind to her. It will happen many times over so I would just concentrate on building her resilience and not being affected by other people's nasty comments. Good luck!

Also tell her that people who say things to make others feel bad is because they are unhappy themselves!

I think this is the kind of thing that builds resilience. It's not the worst thing in the world to be told you're not 'as beautiful' as someone else so it's a good introduction to not always getting on with people. I would also see this as an opportunity to also build your own resilience. Your child will get far worse than this and I do think it's an overreaction to think about messaging her mum to complain. It will probably be helpful to be able to brush this stuff off a bit more and help her not to care about what others think too.

I think 6 is old enough for you to start to teach your DD that some people are brought up to be nasty and the world isn't all rainbows and unicorns. In an age appropriate way. My DD is 11 and she's definitely learning that lesson now, I'm kind of glad she had small tastes of it when she was little or it would have been a big shock.

I would say ‘She’s being very rude, ignore her. You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and I love our house.’

TBH, she's 6.
6yos often say hurtful, unkind things to each other in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't personally make a big deal beyond, "Oh, she doesn't seem very nice. Maybe play with someone else at school. You don't have to play with mean people", and leave it there.

Just tell your DD that that those comments are rude and ignorant. You can help her think up some replies but they should be assertive rather than rude back. "I think you are very rude to say that." "I don't want to play with you if you are going to be mean and big headed." etc etc.

The child is 6. They don't have to have 'got it from somewhere' they just use their immaturity and lack of ability to control their emotions to spout an amazing load of rubbish.

OP - you're winding yourself up and blaming the grandma - a woman who kindly allows your child into her house to play. You have no idea if the grandma is just as annoyed as you are with her grandchild's mean streak.

Just teach your child to stand up for herself and point out any ridiculous/mean comments. "You're very rude/mean" is a perfect response to this nonsense. As is "you're being silly" and the best response "I don't want to play with you any more because you're unkind and mean".

I had a childhood 'friend' who spouted nonsense like this. It wasn't from her parents. She was just a spiteful child. The one that I really laughed at was "your mum and dad aren't married because your mum's engagement ring isn't a big blue sapphire like my mom's." Even at an early age I knew she was talking crao. You just need to arm your DD with a shit detector!