I’m more beautiful than you and my house is bigger and nicer

[Summersinthenineties]

Neighbours over the back look after their 6 year old granddaughter, she’s also friends with my Dd at school. She always comes to stay for the day with them on a Sunday. Dd often runs into the back garden and they call to each other over the fence. The girl sometimes comes to play or Dd goes there.
We live in a nice cul de sac type area, so houses are all basically the same, aside from they’ve had renovations and have added an extra bedroom and pool, as some in the area have done.
Dd has just run in crying that this girl has shouted to her that she’s (Dd) is not beautiful and she is and that our house is small and not beautiful and her house is big and more beautiful.
Dd is really upset as has a big group of friends, boys and girls all lovely and isn’t used to this yet. I realise kids are kids and it will happen in the future, but how would you deal with this?
Her words are really pissing me off and I think she needs to learn/be taught not to say things like that. Would you message and tell the mum/grandma or leave it and maybe not encourage the friendship so much?

imagine a real life problem...this is like existential death.

Wait until she turns 8. Girls ramp up the meanness then! By 10 they are really going for it!

Why wouldn't you message the Mum?

You're doing the other child as much a disservice as your own child by not making those who are in a position to teach her better social skills aware of her behaviour.

I’d focus on building up your child’s resilience and self esteem and not on teaching some other kid manners tbh. Parents/grandparents probably won’t appreciate having the other kids’s failings pointed out to them so I wouldn’t bother risking falling out over it.

Oh dear lord she is 6. The melodrama. You are massively overreacting.

I wonder if she's got this sort of thing from an adult tbh - especially about the housing.

We live in social housing, and when my daughter was 4, another little child (a neighbour) sneered at her and said 'your mummy doesn't work'. Very unusual comment for a 4 year old - could have come from hearing other kids being snarky at nursery or something, but I reckon she overheard something from the parents.

Btw, it wasn't actually true - I have always worked.

Anyway... it's time to teach your little girl how to robustly repel nasty bullies. Don't be tempted to take the 'be kind' route - your DD is entitled to defend herself and say something back.

I'm a teacher and most six year olds are capable of being very mean - usually they are just bluntly 'telling the truth' as they see it.

I have seen children arguing over whose dad is stronger, whose mum can run the fastest and yes certainly who is prettier and who has the best house or bedroom. They are still learning and most won't still be doing it a year from now.

However, imo, it's not worth contacting parents or grandparents. They either won't believe you and will get defensive - 'she only said it because two weeks ago your dd told her that we were old and our garden isn't as big as yours' - or they do believe you but think you had no place telling them and still get defensive. Not many grandparents respond well to their gc being criticised, even if they think they would.

Just tell her to reply "I'm nicer than you and my heart is happier".

Often kids feel better about situations like this if they realise that the other child must actually be jealous or unhappy if they feel need to make others upset. Once they realise that it's easier for them to see the insult is actually lies.

This reminds me of when my children were young. We lived in a small cul de sac, our house was by far the smallest. All the children were good friends and frequently in and out of each others houses.
My children were in awe of the other houses and often said how they would like to live there. One of the girls used to say I love your house it’s so cosy and you have the best sweetie cupboard 🤣

I’d want to know if DD was being rude. I would be mortified about it and would be having some strong words. Takes a village and all that.

I also can’t help but to think society would be better if we nipped this kind of shit in the bud early instead of letting it slide.

Your daughter probably is saying them things. Kids are mean to each other but letting them sort it out between themselves is important and a good lifeskill.

OP I mean this kindly, but you need to let it go. Children do this kind of thing all the time. Girls tend to ramp up the unkind comments as they get older and are figuring friendships out (Year 5 is a particularly tricky time for this).

The absolute best thing you can do for your DD is to work on her resilience, and give her some strategies for dealing with these kind of situations herself, e.g. go to phrases to reply etc. I promise you, this will help her far more in the long term than adults messaging each other.

Every year we (I’m a teacher) we worry so much about those children heading off to secondary who still rely on adults to sort out friendship niggles.

@Summersinthenineties You mentioned that there were some comments made at school, if you’re thinking this is a pattern of behaviour then mention it to the teacher but not within earshot of the girls or family. I’d be keeping an eye on it to be honest, whilst 6 year olds don’t generally have any filters it might be that the teacher sees the dynamics in the group of girls and is able to tell if there’s more to it. I would pause on the play dates at grandma neighbour’s too. Build your DD up with some phrases or tactics to use if she is unhappy with something.

Yes it would absolutely be daft to end a friendship based on a silly comment made by a 6 year old!

You are taking this way too much to heart. 6 year olds say things like this.

Did you ask your daughter what happened before the other girl said what she did? I have always found that to be quite illuminating.

Kids say truths out aloud. They learn to be sensitive and kind when we model good behaviour or talk to them about how others might feel and with experience and age..

The other girl's parents would possibly like to know so that they can address their daughter's outspoken rudeness.

I would talk to your daughter about the truth, or not, of the girl's words and why she might be saying them (negative and positive)- she notices large gardens, her eyes can't see hair well, jealousy, feeling lucky about her Gran's renovations, being unkind etc. You could also talk about how it's okay to have a smaller house for XXX reasons.

I would also mention to the girl's mother that her daughter is saying some unkind things (probably out of feeling insecure in a new school) and as you would want to know and as your girls were friends you hope it's okay to inform her.

This!

You’re escalating this by taking it way too seriously and overthinking - as for comparing houses and beauty!!!

Remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

Kids fight and make up again - they’re only six!

If you make a big deal of it with the parents they’ll be skipping around holding hands before you’ve finished embarrassing yourself over trivia.

I would want to know if my child was saying hurtful things like this to another child. So I could talk to them about it in an appropriate way for a 6 year old explaining that it isn’t kind.

I would help make your daughter strong minded and instill it in her yourself that she's beautiful and make her content about the things she has...the world is a big bad place and not everyone you will meet will be nice...today it's the neighbours kid next time it will be someone else.... especially at school kids can be very mean. I see it all the time. Help her by not taking these things too seriously sometimes you just have to brush it off. The more you take it to a personal level the more your daughter will react negatively to it too and feel insecure. If it escalates and becomes a regular thing then best to speak to the school about it.

They are 6 and your daughter is going to hear alot of unkind/boastful comments in her life. The most important thing is to have a chat with your daughter, explain that the other girl was being unkind and your daughter should never treat others like that. The other girl sounds bratty so im sure the Grandma/Mum are already aware she’s like that!

Talk to the mum, as her DD may encounter worse reactions if she makes unkind remarks to others and will lose friends.

You can't police what other kids say. You CAN do your best to help your child care less when others say unkind things.

Is this a normal way to let kids to let kids speak to each other now? That little girl would have had had the back of her legs tanned (?) if she had spoke to another child in that way . Good grief .You do not let your child speak to others like that .

I very much agree with this