I’m more beautiful than you and my house is bigger and nicer

[Summersinthenineties]

Neighbours over the back look after their 6 year old granddaughter, she’s also friends with my Dd at school. She always comes to stay for the day with them on a Sunday. Dd often runs into the back garden and they call to each other over the fence. The girl sometimes comes to play or Dd goes there.
We live in a nice cul de sac type area, so houses are all basically the same, aside from they’ve had renovations and have added an extra bedroom and pool, as some in the area have done.
Dd has just run in crying that this girl has shouted to her that she’s (Dd) is not beautiful and she is and that our house is small and not beautiful and her house is big and more beautiful.
Dd is really upset as has a big group of friends, boys and girls all lovely and isn’t used to this yet. I realise kids are kids and it will happen in the future, but how would you deal with this?
Her words are really pissing me off and I think she needs to learn/be taught not to say things like that. Would you message and tell the mum/grandma or leave it and maybe not encourage the friendship so much?

OP you can't pick off every single person who will say a mean thing to your DD, or make a factual comparison (ie house size) that isn't flattering to her. Because the potential for this happening is huge. Children are competitive and tactless, and she will have children gloating about their new trainers, their test marks, their sporting success, anything they 'beat' her in, until she reaches the age where people start to rein that in for manners sake.
The best thing you can do for your DD is teach her by example that the things she can't help, like the size of her home and her appearance, don't matter as much as her personal qualities. Because it's really obvious from your posts that you are as upset about the subject the child was mean about than the meaness itself, and are taking that probably more personally that DD is. Teach your DD to say 'so what?' or 'it's not polite to boast' and show her by example that house size and beauty are not things to be concerned about.

I think you need to give your daughter some stock responses she can use if this happens

Not sure why so many people think the little girl got the house comment from an adult? Presumably she has eyes and OP said their house is bigger? Kids tell it as they see it and at six they don’t have the social sensibilities to realise bragging isn’t kind. 💁🏼‍♀️

I think 6 year olds are still quite literal. I remember having an argument with one of my friends when I was probably about that age- both of us were saying we were the prettiest because both our mums had told us we were the prettiest girls in the world and we’d both believed them 😂 My mum certainly hadn’t gone through all my mates and told me I was prettier than them and I’m sure hers hadn’t easier, we’d just both drawn the natural conclusion from being told we were the prettiest girl in the world. These sorts of things can occur by accident rather than malice.

Sorry but you are massively overthinking this and sound precious. The idea that you can curate friendships and avoid all unpleasant interactions is daft. Teach her some good responses and no, this is not " condoning bullying" which will be the next hyperbole.

I would say to your daughter, you are beautiful, so she’s telling lies.
keep it simple.

I would also give your daughter permission to leave when she says these things.

Or if at school to tell her she’s a liar or tell a teacher.

I hate posts like this. Glorifying in someone’s difficult life because they said something when they were four or five years old. What is wrong with some people?

Except its not simple when DD goes to the child and says 'my mum says you're a liar!' A worse insult that not being beautiful in most people's opinion. Besides which, its not a lie, its an opinion. OP should tell DD her friend can think what she likes, what you look like isn't important and it's rude and silly to comment on it.
If OP herself thinks what her DD looks like is important she can add that she thinks DD is beautiful. But it's a shame imo when adults reinforce that as an importance to girls. Very few people are actually beautiful and find that out soon enough, and its doesnt matter anyway. Better to focus on other things than a girls ornamental value.

My cousin, an only child, was the same. Very spoilt and allowed to say awful things to us.

I wish our parents had stood up for us and said something.

Next time the grandma asks to have dd over, tell her that her dgd said some things about dd’s house and looks that made dd cry, so you think the girls should have a break for a while.

We had this when dd was around 6. It must be the age when kids are picking up on snooty attitudes from parents and other kids. We’d just moved house and a classmate came over for a play date and when leaving said brazenly that their house was bigger and nicer than ours! Mum was mortified and told her off but it was the start of some competitive bragging about holidays, houses, cars and even clothing brands from their friendship circle.
if your dd currently has a nice group of friends who don’t have these entitled attitudes then she’s pretty lucky.

I’d explain to DD that sometimes when people are u happy or insecure they say mean things that they don’t even think are true to make themselves feel more important. (Not that you need to say the following to your DD but - Maybe this child is actually insecure about her own home (maybe grandma tells her that grandma’s home is best and amazing??) and child is actually jealous of your DD )

Loads of kids are like this. It’s insecurity, surely learnt from the adults in their lives. Feel sorry for them.

You’re thinking way too much about this! Sounds like you have an issue with the grandparents and are spoiling for a fight. They’re 6 years old wow talk about over reaction.

Simply teach your daughter to say "wow, what a rude thing to say" and to walk away wherever she's on the receiving end of comments like this.

Those comments really aren't worth any more attention than that.

I would tell dd that it was a really unkind thing of the other girl to say, and not even true. People who say unkind and untrue things to others are not good friends. Advise your dd to try and play more with children that arent mean and dont say nasty things.

Ive come to the conclusion that its better to focus on what your child can do when someone upsets them, rather than worrying about stopping the other child. Its more empowering

A 6 year old talking absolute garbage is shocking to you? Have a day off.

You think the Grandma is no better than she ought to be with her pool and her extension and the root of the kid's insecurities is that the mum dumps her (from her tiny house) with Grandma every Sunday.

That is the bee in your bonnet and they want telling.

That kid may be beautiful on the outside but unlike your daughter she most certainly isn’t beautiful on the inside as her actions and words show. Tell tour daughter the importance of inner beauty and how nice people never shame or belittle or make other people feel bad about themselves or their lives. Then tell her to keep her distance from that brat as much as possible

OP I am the same as you! I have a three year old DD and her little friend is SO competitive! Even if she has a different drink than my daughter! It actually became too much the other day and I said to them both, 'look everyone has different things. Your mummy and my mummy have different clothes/cars/shoes! It's good to be different!' I then said to the mother this competitiveness has got to stop (including my daughter too but hoping she will note for her child)! My DD is not perfect, but I see her change around this little girl and I don't want her to start saying similar to another little child! I then had a little chat with my DD that it's ok to have different things and not always be the same. This same little girl is also always telling my daughter what to do and telling her off! It grates on me so much. I tend to say to her that only I can tell my daughter off and not her! Then I try and tell my DD to stick up for herself. So hard! So you have my sympathy.

Pool?

🤣

Love this! This is what I try and tell my daughter. I just go reiterate kindness and sharing and empathy! At the same time I done want her to be a people pleaser like me, so I'm trying to make her stand up for herself when other (mainly girls to be honest) over power her and her rude to her!

Time to tell your DD most people are nice in this world, but to stay away from the nasty and bad ones.

If this girl comes over to your house, I would stop her at the door, and say we only have nice and kind children here. Are you going to be nice and kind or nasty?

Sticks and stones....
Your daughter will need to experience things like this to enable her to become resilient. With the right guidance and support from you and others she will learn that sometimes people like the other child act like this because they are insecure and not really having a great life in spite of all their posessions. I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating for you at the moment, none of us like our children's feelings being hurt but if you step in it probably won't go the way you would hope.
Your daughter has been kind in taking the other girl under her wing but you can tell her she doesn't have to keep doing so if she is being unkind to her. Your daughter has a choice in this and can learn a valuable lesson at an early age. She doesn't need to respond in kind, just distance herself.
As a good mother you have a huge influence over your daughters development . Self esteem , confidence and assertiveness are valuable assets for anyone.

She’s going to encounter this shit as she grows up. Kids do this. Honestly. The trick is not to take it personally, get all pissed off, or want to tell on the kid. But to teach your child how to deal with it.

that would be something like you’re mean and I won’t play with you any more until you say sorry. To learn her boundaries, she needs to learn when it’s not ok, and to say no.

its hard, but your job is not to police other peoples kids, its to teach your child to deal with anything thay arises.