I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

I'm a single mum
I definitely don't want your husband!

No and I find it so gross. At the best end of the scenario people think they don’t want to rub their happiness in your face, at the other end of the scale they are worried that you are on the prowl. Either is ridiculous, if you’ve been friends for years then that shouldn’t change. Sorry if you are being treated differently one the basis of your husband dying. Maybe get new friends?!

I could rent you my husband - very good at DIY
Then I could peacefully read a book

Do you think it might be the women thinking that they don’t want to rub your nose in the fact that they are still in a couple?

Hear! Hear! Widow and (now) lone parent. I really really don't want your husband or his dirty washing.

Tbh I think this is how single people in general get treated. It’s more noticeable if you have recently been part of the couples and now treated like the single friend.

Damn!

They're getting so hard to re-home these days.

No, it's not that. You no longer fit the mould - you're no longer part of a couple so you don't get invited anymore.

This has happened to so many people - it certainly isn't to do with women being tactful.

Jolene has a lot to answer for.

I went through that when single and then once married feel like I’m never invited to things individually. Can’t win. Except by developing a great group of friends who do get you.

You might not want their husbands, but I believe that what generally happens is that their husbands want you. Lots of posters have written about it on here.

YANBU, though I think it's difficult to win at this one, it can also be uncomfortable as a single person to be at an event full of (un)happily marrieds, though I guess it depends how well you know them already.

I agree that it's really horrible if you're not invited any more. I think there were occasional more couply events that I didn't get invited to after dh died but we socialised a lot separately anyway. Coffee with the women was just fine with me, plus my male friends were lovely too.

I was in a different place though - I did want all the husbands. To the point that I went off and developed my own 'social life' in that regard to stay away from them.

Isn’t this a good thing? I’m married but only ever spend time with my friends separately. I don’t want to socialise with their husbands.

@StopGo exactly that!!

Hmmm odd. Maybe not that they think you want their husband. Maybe they think you're happier spending time with them? Tell them? Politely?

This isn't me. Always have my single friends over and go out with them. We also go on holiday with them & their kids.

I hear you! I'm also a middle-age single woman. I'm definitely not after your husband! I don't want to only socialise with "the wife" when she wants a break from her husband. I want to be friends with both of you.

I'm a married woman and I definitely don't want your husband. Already have my own.

No, it isn't that. The women don't want their husbands to come over all 'knight in shining armour' and go round putting up shelves and changing lightbulbs.

There is an element of "she's lost hers, I don't want her coming after mine" about it.

In fairness, though, that's ridiculously presumptuous -- 'Oh, we'd better not invited Poor Sad Sarah, in case she's driven mad by the sight of me and Doughy Dave ignoring one another over the tiramisu!'

Posted too soon.

I think sometimes other women are viewed at suspiciously, if they are fun loving and confident. Other women may precieve a threat that really isn't there

Yep, Fighting to get divorced for 2 years.
Now a week away!

I absolutely DO NOT WANT your husband. Actually, I feel sorry for you even more than you feel sorry for me! (If that is possible)😀

It's not that you want the husbands...

It's that the husbands want YOU.

I'm not a seductress, Ok looking. Get plenty of reasonable male attention if I get out there a bit.

I don't hang out in clubbing or some high-stakes glamorous environment.

The type of married guy who casually puts out feelers or tries it on is generally very "average" as well. They don't look like sleazes, or have loads of money.

And often it is just about proximity and perceived availability. Divorced? Widow? New to town? Must be UP FOR IT.

I don't even think there's any special connection or lots of time together..just that I'm single, no man, so I must be desperate or "available". I wouldn't even go out with them if they were unmarried!

Especially if you're seen as lower status and people blame the woman always for any problems....so many men try to set up situations where they can claim the woman is chasing after them or it's a mutual thing, and they know their wives will blame the woman.

It's odd because people talk about Tinder culture being sleazy, but this is just social dynamics unfortunately and has been for a long time.

I'm wary now as I get older to put boundaries in interactions with partnered up guys...no ambiguity or 1-1 chats. I've noticed married guys often try to "fish" for a friendship or start talking about personal issues....I shut them down.

There's social spaces I can go into where being a single woman is unremarkable so I use those..much more peaceful!

Yep I’m a middle aged widow. I can do diy though so their safe with me.

I already feel less of a person now you dont need segregating off as well.

Middle aged divorcee, same.

took me a long time to get rid of mine, I certainly don’t want yours.