I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

You need better friends op.

I hsve lots of separated and divorced friends, and all are welcome to my house for dinner. I wouldn’t dream of leaving them out.

That said I prefer coffee with friends and being able to properly find out how they are rather than a dinner party where it is not so easy to talk properly. I enjoy girls nights out too. Great fun. I personally wouldn’t see couples dinner parties as any great loss.

This is exactly my reason too- I find dinner parties a bit tedious and superficial, a coffee or meal with just my close friends is far more enjoyable as you can really talk about important/personal stuff.

I could happily never attend a couples dinner party ever again lol

but she doesn’t want your husband! How patronising, women can do diy too

😂

I agree. Twice divorced, 1st husband a cheater, 2nd abusive. I go to all gatherings alone, and the response for couples that don’t know me is when we are introduced, the wife/female partner invariably puts an anchoring arm through her OH’s arm. I want to tel her not to bother, I’m not looking and it’s insulting that they think I would want their OH.

It's nice to be included in mixed company occasionally. Not every time, not even most of the time, but when you're just routinely excluded because the husbands are out, it's a bit weird. Doesn't bother me now, but when I was friendly with a few women who would treat me like a close friend but exclude me from the grown up socialising, it hurt, but also, it was shocking, I was genuinely shocked that these modern progressive types, so I thought, still needed an even number. But hey, I get it, nobody ever has to include you and that's a tough pill to swallow. I can understand why some less strong-minded women marry just to fit in and for society's approval. And then, a few years later, they're shamed for their "poor chouce"

Society is harsh.

And the award for missing the point of the thread goes to..

Not every time, not even most of the time, but when you're just routinely excluded because the husbands are out

Oh, I totally agree that to be deliberately excluded is no doubt hurtful.

I suppose I'm just surprised that people have that many dinner parties is all. I find that I tend to meet up with my friends alone far more often as you can talk more freely. To me, dinner parties just seem a load of superficial chit chat and nothing particularly deep or personal due to the fact there are so many people present and when sat round a table you can only really talk to the person sat next to you anyway. Buy yes, I agree that excluding people who were previously included is weird and hurtful behaviour.

But she had a whole lot of fun.

When my parents ndn’s got divorced the man told my df he would actively look for a widow as he didn’t want an ex in the background.
He did meet a widow and married her too.
Poor woman he was the tightest man I’ve ever known.

I've found all my married female friends dropped me since DH died too. I don't know why TBh, I'd be amazed if they think I'm after their husbands have they seen their husbands? or that their husbands would want me, but even before the funeral I didn't fit in the group anymore and there were secret outings arranged without me.

At the same time as abandoning me completely, they've been very disapproving of my attempts to carry on living. 3 years on, I have a nice group of mostly single friends, about 60% male and have had lots of adventures, but apparently that's all wrong too.

The good news is, the single life with single friends is wonderful, and I do wonder if some of their response is a bit of jealousy about my freedom.

My life has never involved dinner parties. But it has involved friendships that my husband and I had with other couples. We got to know each other as couples, we socialised as couples. Went on days out as couples etc

I find the whole dinner party assumption a totally Mumsnet thing.

It's also pretty sad that so many mumsnetters can't see men as friends.

We never did dinner parties with our couple friends, but we had a lot of evenings and days out and some weekends away, around a shared hobby. We also used to meet up just the women, but I don't get included in that anymore either. I just get judged for what I do do to get out and about.

I always saw the husbands as friends as much as the women, and never had any problems with them (before or after DH died). It seems the wives have an issue with that though.

@PermanentTemporary

Thank you for your honesty. It’s refreshing.

I am sorry for your loss.

@CousinBette I am sorry for your loss as well.

I am facing a divorce so I think I will experience similar (being ditched) soon.

Maybe they don't think you want their husband. Maybe they think going away for a weekend with a couple/couples doesn't interest you.

If you want to go ask.

What a strange thread. 2 of my friends were widowed in their 30s it never once crossed my mind that they wanted my husband.

I wonder if this is why I have been abandoned by friends since DH’s recent death shortly into the new year.
I’ve only seen two friends, on 3 occasions.
Conversely I happily sent DH round to fix a leaking shower for a (then single) friend and also to do some car repairs. It seems I’m not likely to get the same help from anybody.

@HelpMeUnpickThis you do t have to expect it. I had the most unbelievably solid support from.all my friends, whatever their sex or relationship status.

I can see that would be hurtful but think they could believe that it may be difficult for you. Lonely in a crowd. DM found it made her sad.

It wouldn’t happen to me because we never socialise as a couple and never have. We actively avoid it

i have to say though, that despite claims on your thread title. Statistics prove that you possibly may.

@ZeroFucksGivenToday i hear you. the worst night out for me as a single woman was a wedding. I was on the "table of random guests", next to a drunken man who kept falling off his chair. I slipped away as soon as dinner was over

Yes widow here too - it's rubbish & weird
I'm invited to the girl things & the odd thing where there are couples, but it's obvious other things have been happening & I haven't been included as they talk about it.
There are also the friends who weren't there for you/your DH who then feel guilty so don't see you.
The ones who have a set idea of how you should grieve, the length of time etc. & if you don't , they can't handle it.
And the people you make friends with but then they treat you terribly & when you don't stand for it - they can't understand as you must be desperate for friends since your DH died.

Not sure why you're attributing the worst possible motive to your own friends OP? As I really don't think women are as jealous and insecure around each other than some think. IME most middle aged women are fairly realistic about how desirable their middle aged husband is and don't go around thinking they're going to run off with their friends. Some do of course, but I'd say the odds of your entire friendship group feeling this way are slim.
If these are nice women it's possible they think it might be difficult for you to be around couples. As it actually is for some people in your situation. The easiest thing is surely to tell THEM that you'd like to be included rather that imagine the worst of women based on a minority behaviour. If they then exclude you, then they're not good friends after all.