I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

100% agreement!

Nope. You have to be a widow to ‘get it’. It’s definitely a thing. I had really good friends who I thought were supporting me when I lost my husband of 40 years. Until I began to feel as though I could socialise a little and then you could feel them bristling. Then the invitations stopped. I really don’t understand the mindset that because you’ve lost your own man, you’re intent on taking someone else’s’.

I think the difference is* that as a widow, you actually lose those male friends. Some of them I'd been friends with for two or three decades. The men as close friends as the women. And then suddenly they avoid being around you and don't hang around to talk to you even if you do find yourselves in the same place.

It hurts. We were proper friends. Shared interests, shared experiences. And suddenly they're gone. Often leaving me to have coffee with the half of the couple I had less in common with!
Losing a friend, even just one, is hard. Losing several almost simultaneously, when you're already feeling vulnerable, is much harder. You start thinking that maybe they never liked you that much and only liked your husband, for instance.

*I do understand that it must be really hard as a single person who's just not partnered up yet, to be left out of couples stuff. I'm very sympathetic to that. Just pointing out the difference

What, because you're so loved up with your DH that you sit sighing across the dinner table into one another's eyes, stopping only to play footsie between courses and nip out to the kitchen for a bit of slap and tickle while getting the trifle?

Have been widowed nearly 6 years and never had the problems outlined above- am welcomed by everyone.

Still wear my wedding ring - I call it my p.... off ring if any man thinks I am available- particularly those who did not know me before I was widowed.

Single and very happy!

If I flung in a bottle of gin and a packet of Jaffa cakes could you take him?

I doubt it is your single status, it is just their dh wants blokes to chat to so if you don’t bring one it unbalances the dinner party, they probably don’t invite single men either. It’s pathetic I know, but I doubt they all think their dh’s are going to stray because you came to dinner.

I get this. So does my mum

Perhaps you could start an online fostering service?

❤️😂😂

I was in a different place though - I did want all the husbands. To the point that I went off and developed my own 'social life' in that regard to stay away from them.

@PermanentTemporary can you say a bit more about this? Why did you want the husbands?

Hang on a sec, what groups are you being excluded from? It's different if it's a group of 8, 4 couples, one person loses their partner, then the dynamic also changes. Or if it's just a big group of couples, singles, divorcees, widowers etc, all friends at a big bbq. It depends what the situation is.

I'm middle-aged and single and I don't want your husband.

and this And often it is just about proximity and perceived availability. Divorced? Widow? New to town? Must be UP FOR IT.

We don’t do dinner parties, we mainly socialise with one other couple at a time. Recently one couple split, with the ex-husband moving away, and another friend lost her husband (DH’s good friend). Now we just invite the single/widowed friend on her own for dinner/lunch. I have other female friends who get on well enough with DH but never really socialise with us together as a couple, not sure why.

You had insecure, crap friends if that was what was going through their minds.

🤣 of course.

I think this might be it. I'm single not a widow. I have pondered this in the past. Obviously I know that nobody has to include me.

I was exactly the cliche that I guess the women worry about. I was out of control.

In order to avoid acting on the maelstrom of feelings I was experiencing, I socialised normally at home and went out of town for what I felt I needed.

I don't know what it was about. DH's years of illness, his traumatic death, a bit of perimenopause, i don't know.

This possibility hadn’t occurred to me (and certainly hasn’t happened to me so far!).

When news got out that I was a newly single mum, the school mum clique became cold.

I did receive a few friend requests etc from their husbands who I had never been friendly with (not responded to).

Really surprised me that any woman would think that after I had got rid of my ex, I would actually want their very average husbands!

I do also wonder if it comes from a strange type of jealousy too though.
Out of the many women I know, most of them don’t seem to have the best marriages.
Many are coming to the 20 year mark. Stress of juggling kids and parents ageing etc.
Lack of appreciation etc.

One lady at work is clearly in a really unhappy marriage but regularly brings up my ‘less than’ status. I honestly feel bad for her.

I definitely, definitely don’t want anyone’s husband.

Holidays and weekends away are a bit awkward because couples feel like they have to include you in all their activities and also it's kind of depressing if you used to go away with them with your husband too. Empty side of the bed and all that.

Dinner parties are no excuse though.

My MIL is in the same boat, her hubs died in middle age. She threw herself out there and mainly focused on group activities - solo travelling holidays as part of a whole group of people who don't know each other, volunteer work, local socialising events, sports, classes, etc.

Oh I so get this!!

For many years I worked/lived on military bases overseas. Due to my job, I got housed on the 'officers patch'. Anyone who has been in this situation will know that it's a VERY social lifestyle, with lots of get togethers/parties etc.

UNLESS you're a single woman on the block of course!! In which case, you are considered 'dangerous' as a house guest and totally irrelevant as a human!

I had my children with me, who were always welcomed in others homes, and I hosted many events at my own home (where I invited everyone!) BUT...I was not invited back...and neither were the other two single women on the block.

I used to watch out of my window as neighbours wandered past carrying chairs (a dead give away that there was a 'do' somewhere) and just feel so hurt. On one occasion, I was even asked if I could lend my chairs to one neighbour, as they needed more!!

Funny thing was, affairs were rife on camp...and it wasn't the single women amongst us who were involved!! 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

It's ot that they think you're after their husbands. It's that they know what men can be like when a woman becomes suddenly single for any reason.

I lost count of the nher of men who showed an interest I me when I separated from my husband - married colleagues; friends' husbands; dads of my children's school friends...

I wasn't interested in any of them either. Didn't stop them from trying.

My mother had to put up with this in the 70”s. However, I prefer to meet just with women. Why do I want the husbands around? I also do not want people feeling they need to pay for my bill as most well mannered men do.

Another middle aged divorcee (well kind of its been 6 years and my friends all assume I'm divorced now), I don't want your husband, I'm not that desperate for a man that I'll take your man but it would be nice to be included in things once in a while. You know I can hold a conversation and I'm not going to feel awkward surrounded by couples.

As a fairly attractive divorcee in my younger days I used to find parties etc. highly amusing. I could be chatting to a very average man for twenty seconds and the speed at which their wives/partners suddenly appeared at their side and proceeded to hang on to their arms was so funny. It was the equivalent of a dog pissing up a lamppost to mark their territory. 😂