I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

My mum's best friend was divorced and she stopped being invited to dinner parties etc except by my mum & dad 🙁 but we always spent time with her and her kids, holidayed together and days out and my dad would go round and do stuff in the house if she needed it. She and my dad were good friends too and the three of them would have a laugh together. On holiday, my dad would take all us kids to the pool while my mum and her friend did a bit of sightseeing and stuff. My mum and her friend would take turns cooking for both families. It was lovely 😊

When I was recently separated I went to stay with a friend and her husband for a couple of nights. My dc were there and they have dc too. My friend's DH was giving me a bit more attention than he did in the past (not that i wanted it) and my friend noticed and spent the next two days constantly going up to him and literally snogging him in front of me, almost to claim her territory! It was very awkward, and tbh I'm not sure I would want to go there again on my own as I felt very uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Yup. Happened to my auntie when her husband cheated. She was dropped by her "best friends" because she was no longer a couple.

I voted you are not being unreasonable because if you were my friend I would not ever assume you wanted my husband . However I don’t know what you mean exactly. Do you mean couples who were mutual friends no longer meet you together ? Sorry a bit lost

This upsets me so much as happened to me after divorcing. Had to make new single girlfriends. Now I'm remarried to an amazing guy and guess what? They're all up for arrangements again.

This!

My mother told me about how this happened to her when she divorced my Dad in the 70s (women actually knocked at her door and said, "Stay away from my husband")

When I split up with my DDs dad 11 years ago, I eventually changed my fb status back to single. I got 8 DMs that night from men I knew. 7 of them were married!!

There should be a badge!

I suspect having overheard couples talking about people who have had adverse life events it’s because “I don’t know what to say.” It’s just easier to avoid people rather than come face to face with it and feel uncomfortable. Yes, it’s very shallow.

When my ex h and I had a special needs child other couples started to avoid us then. By the time I separated from ex h there were very few of our previous couple friends still around, so I didn’t notice anything too much after that! We used to go away on holidays and stuff with these couples. It was fun but looking back on it the friendships were superficial. Family members tend to be more accepting to adversity on the whole and stick with you more. Most friendships eventually come to an end.

You could have mine. But I warn you, he's getting near retirement age, he doesn't hear as well as he did, and he's a bit knackered.

I don't have this sort of social life in the first place. I have my friends, and DH knows some of them well, and some of them he probably only recognises their name but doesn't know them. Some of my friends are couples but many are single. I know most of DH's good friends, but mainly not super well.

Oh dear, I meet up with my friends without DH in tow because I think we’ll have more fun without him sitting in on the chat like a wee gooseberry, and I want to talk to them, not him. I spend a lot of time with DH, so I really enjoy being with my friends on my own.

It never occurred to me my single friends would be upset by this… and it definitely never crossed my mind that they might fancy him, or vice versa.

I thought about this recently. I'm late forties, long term single. I'm now the friend who's only good enough for coffee now and again. Afternoons only. Never get invited to spend time with friends and their husbands but they do invite their couple friends.

I think it's assumed men wouldn't want to hang out with just one female friend. Not interesting enough.

I have this (I am divorced) from one or two friends husbands. Invited for lunch or dinner but suddenly the DH (who only works very part-time) is absolutely unavailable for the rest of the day / evening (multiple reasons). I used to think it was kindness to ensure that I could spend time with my friend. I no longer think that and for years wondered if it was that I was so totally dull that this person wouldn't want to spend any time with me. I don't think that either any more. I think men are mostly very selfish and if it doesn't benefit them to spend time with people then they won't.

I agree. To be fair I don’t understand why some women drag their boring husband along to friendship groups which don’t include them

Nearly eight years widowed and the only friend from my late DH's "side" as it were, who haven't dropped me is a divorced a woman. Couples who were "both" don't invite me with other couples, only on my own or with another single woman.

On the other hand, all the non - Australian friends are staunch.

I agree!
I am eternally grateful to my friend and her husband who regularly invited me out to dinner/the pub with them most Saturday nights after my divorce.
I’ve now remarried and the four of us are still great friends, 20 years later

Do you actually know that is the reason or have you made it all up in your head?

I don't actually know any widows but for me typically when it comes to most of my friends, they're MY friend more than my husband's... So if I was going to go out somewhere with such a friend I'd rather my husband was doing something useful or minding the kids rather than being a third wheel on my date with my friend! And so would he I think.

Likewise with partnered/married friends the main reason to bring along other halves is to keep each other company whilst I see MY friend. If the friend's OH wasn't coming mine wouldn't either, probably.

This might to be fair, be because my husband is more of an introvert than I am, we have a few mutual friends of either sex but he doesn't want to maintain as many friendships as I do, so I have more friends to catch up with. He's not going to want to join me to catch up with them every single time though of course if they were to come round our house, he will often be there.

I can't speak to the dynamic in your friendships but are you sure it isn't just that their husband's don't want to be hanging around as a third wheel, as opposed to your married friends hiding their husbands from you?

You might not want their husbands but their husbands may want you 😂 Watch the first 30 mins of ‘The Idea of You’, it’s pretty hilarious.

Since I’ve become single, the husbands in the couple are suddenly a lot friendlier and message to check in where they previously didn’t! They’re even organising socialising for their wife with me 😇😂

I just thought about my single friend. It has never crossed my mind to think about her stealing my husband, but I guess what often crosses my mind is that she might find it more awkward if we went out as a trio, and therefore it's a better courtesy to go just the two of us. Plus I am not sure DH wants to tag along and would prefer the excuse to do his own thing.

I hear you. I was a single mum in my 20s and early 30s and was left out of a LOT of meet ups, etc. At weddings, the other women would shun me. Then, when I met and married my now husband, I was miraculously "safe" again.

Their husbands probably act like a creep around other women.

As if anybody would actually be interested in their balding, paunchy, stained, snaggletooth, Kyle.

And they certainly aren't rubbing their marriage and anyone's face.

They forget we've known the couples for decades and we know he is a lazy annoying turd.

Sorry about your husband. I think they think you might feel left out or more sad, not that you'll chat up their husband.

I get sad as a single mum that I don't get invited on things like camping trips when a few little families will go together. Even though my son and I are a family? People just don't seem to think of us when organizing something like that, I think it might be as their husbands worry it'll become a girlie weekend if there are more women than men?