I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

I lost two friends when I split with my ex. Literally overnight they stopped the group chat and just started chatting and meeting up together. Was a real shit time for me anyway without feeling like a social outcast. I dunno why it happened but I think they felt uncomfortable with the dynamic when I was single.

Seen two posts recently about only wanting to socialise with "couple friends", it's a horrible attitude.

Sorry OP, I hope you find better friends.

🤣🤣

My single female friends confirm it definitely is a thing. I've never been like that, but a lot of women are apparently. More a failing on their husband and the relationship in general though really than any reflection on the single (for whatever reason) woman.

Maybe OP detests coffee and sweet stuff and really enjoys both dinner parties and weekend trips? So patronising of you.

It’s not random sleazy married men though. Agree there’s plenty of them.

they’re friends, people I’ve known for years and years. Went to each others weddings, kids christenings, birthdays.

Suddenly I’m relegated to once in a blue moon ‘girls night’. I’d like to think my friends know that I’m not trying to steal their husbands.

I can imagine this happening to me. At the moment we socialise with couples that we've known for years, but if I ended up widowed I'm not convinced I would see much of those couples anymore.

Oh god yes. I became single at 34. I'm now 41, working out how many cats are an acceptable number and despite dalliances with FWB have zero interest in any bloke, especially someone else's.

That didn't stop Jeff inviting me for coffee and catch up at his house. I accepted and said I couldn't wait to meet Samantha his fiance, he replied saying she was away for the weekend, and it would be best if we kept it between us as she wouldn't understand. I declined the coffee.

The absolute worst single experience I had, I was invited to an evening wedding reception. Literally only knew the bride and groom, dutifully went along with my then 5 year old DD. As soon as we arrived she spotted the B&Gs son and legged it off to sweet cart, dance floor, bubble machine. I was utterly alone and even though a few blokes tried to be polite, the women with them grabbed them possessively and glared at me, not one said a friendly word to me, I sat at a table for 8 all on my own; not one woman approached and said anything nice. I tried in the queue for the food and at the bar to chat to a few women, but they pretty much brushed me off. I was at a wedding on my own, I wasn't planning on getting down and dirty with anyone's fella let alone right in front of anyone. I'm a social bean anyway, but that night was the worst single night of my life and I vowed to never ever do that to any woman on her own at any event. (Or anyone for that matter!).

I was widowed a few years ago. I noticed a definite change in the attitudes of even close friends and I was really hurt when I found out about social events that I would previously have been invited to. Let it go OP. Until people experience for themselves the pain of losing a partner they can’t possibly understand that a whole way of life is lost as well, and that the last thing on a widows’ mind is a ‘replacement’.

I don’t think it’s always such a suspicious reason (though impact the same on the single person) - sometimes the guy wants other guys there which often means couples. I always make a point of inviting single people as I hated that when I was single this happened as I missed mixed company - but I also find some women decline as they don’t like being the only person not in a couple (but always best to ask and let them choose). I’m sorry this is your experience.

I'm inclined to agree. There are too many men out there who think "Ooh, divorcee, widow, single... must be desperate for it!!".

After I split from exH I had several of my friends' other halves trying their luck. Sickening really, that they would think that not only would I jump at the chance of a quick fumble with a man in a relationship, but that I would betray my friend as well.

Once I got divorced I was never invited to a dinner party again. ( I know, it was the thing then! )
Not even by my sister. Couples seem to think single women have the plague.

Never understood why people thought I'd want their husband. Any man that will abandon his family to take up with someone else's isn't the sort of man I'd bank on to be loyal!

I doubt anyone is assuming you ‘want their husband’ or are viewing you as a threat. Much more likely that they are thinking you won’t want to be a third wheel.

This happened to my Mum when she and my Dad split up.

Her married friends just suddenly ditched her.

She definitely was not interested in any of their husbands!

Hahaha, some things never change, do they?!

I was the first in a large group of friends to get divorced. You'd think I had the plague, I got dropped from everything. One friend even tried to hide when she saw me in a supermarket!

Over the next few years, all of those friends found themselves divorced too. They all got back in touch. I'd moved on and had real friends by then.

Maybe they don't trust their husbands ??

Only one pair of my and late husband's couple friends, still meet up with me as a couple.

After the first few months of being lovely, meet ups with the others ended up exactly as OP describes. The visits to their homes almost always had the husband disappearing after greeting me . Funny how they always had an errand to do.
And the first I knew of the various friends' annual parties that we always used to be invited to, was when I saw the photos on mutual friends' Facebook pages

Then it stopped being invitations to their houses completely, and just being the female half arranging to meet me for coffee (or if I was lucky, lunch).

I try not to dwell on it. But it absolutely sucks.

If I don't want to be a third wheel, I have the option to say I can't make it. They don't get to attempt to mind-read and decide for me.

Op, if you were my widowed friend, I would invite you round often and my DH would make the cocktails! I understand exactly what you are saying, but not all of us are cunts, I promise! Xxx

My Mum had this problem too 😔
She didn't want the husbands either! 🙄

I wish there were a special type of ring you could wear on a designated finger, to indicate that you are not up for it, not interested, under any circumstances.

Haha

Im a single woman and I definitely do not want your husband. Mate you don’t even want him why would I 🤣

This was the situation my Mum was in. Once her friends were widowed they came back, and wanted to go on holiday with her again etc etc.

I've had this since I was in my late teens and started socialising. I'm short, plain, and have very little interest in any human specimens, let alone the married variety. I'm still convinced the relationships I did end up in were accidental... besides which almost all of the guys were rubbish anyway, it's why I now live with a platonic female friend. (Try explaining that to anyone who hasn't watched Sex Education...)

Why the hell would I want anyone else's smelly husband or boyfriend?!