I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

[CousinBette]

…so you know, I could still be invited to the dinner parties and weekends away that I was invited to before the husband died… Instead, it’s just meeting the woman in the couple for coffee until we are all widows together in twenty years time.

AIBU?

I’m middle aged and recently widowed . My DH and I had mutual and separate friends. I’ve been incredibly grateful for the support I’ve had from our friends - both male and female. Both as couples and singularly many people have been really genuinely kind - just because they are nice people and they know that my DH would have done the same to support them if they had been in this position

Indeed - I could have written your post. The last thing I need is to take on another man, and definitely not one attached to an existing partner.

Don't know why, but this is definitely a thing.
Sad to lose friends.

🤣

So sadly true. I never realised how many men must cheat for their wives to be so paranoid until we started primary school. I have had 2 mums ask me to stop talking to their husbands at pick up!

You wouldn't imagine there was a group of 6 of us chatting or anything regularly, would you? Married mums in the group were never got asked to stop...

I really wanted to reply that I really have zero need for a bald fat man who you told me never does the basics around the house and is on his 3rd wife, thanks.

That's what I was thinking (rather than fear of a husband grab)

Gosh, what makes you think anybody would see you as a threat? Humble brag? Honestly, some people. Maybe you are boring company? Why immediately jump to conclusion that you are a potential threat? Why?????

I'm single and I've never wanted my own husband, let alone yours.

I am sorry for your loss.

i think sometimes people just don’t now how to deal with people who have suffered a major bereavement

Yes,that's what I think (or that the friendship was more with the DH with the wife)

I watched this with my mum and it infuriated me. Meanwhile the guy up the road who's wife died had hot and cold running casseroles delivered and everyone pitching in to look out for him!!! Im not sure if its that women see the loss of another woman (ie how will he cope) versus loss of a husband (well she already ran that house?!) or is it more sinister. Whatever it is, I am so sorry for your loss and you are always welcome with us.

I don't think it's fear of me taking their husbands, in my case. They're all in good solid relationships of 30 decades or so. But it still sucks.

And no, it's not because it's the female half is my closer friend. These couples were people we got to know as a couple, and we pretty much only spent time together as couples. As I said earlier, I probably had more in common with, and chatted more with, a couple of the male halves.

I think that after the first year (when everyone genuinely wants to look after you) as a widow (however cheerful and positive) you just don't fit the social .dynamic any more

I’m a middle aged single woman and have found many times that it is presumed I am interested in a man I happen to meet or become friends with. A classic recent example; I am volunteering and a man who also volunteers tells me within a short time of meeting him that he is married. I don’t care as I wasn’t interested in him as a potential partner, we were just chatting about our common experience. I have a friend who when I suggested we meet for a drink with a male friend of hers told me he was married. Well invite his wife as well then. I find it so presumptuous to think that I am after any man, available or not. I’m very happy in my single status and it would take someone very special to make me want to live with a man again.

😂😂

My poor mum used to be treated like this all the time. Jealous insecure wives with their poxy husbands who actually nobody wants except them. It is infuriating and pathetic.

Sixty and single, and I wouldn't go to some occasion that included my friends' husbands - most of them are boring, useless men and some are developing dementia. Not my choice of company in any circumstances.

I am always so insulted that they think I would even look twice at their cruddy spouse. Yeuck.

Absolutely

It should read "single not desperate".

Or "single by choice"

or maybe "not if he was the last man on earth" ...

‘Guy in a relationship that’s hit the rocks, I’m not here for you to test your pulling power on. If you’re interested in ME, try finishing the relationship you’re already in first, then wait a couple of months and we’ll see.’

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I am mid life single through divorce.

In the 2 years or so before I actually separated from my ex, I started to quietly share with other married friends how unhappy I was. It took a lot to do this because of the culture around protecting your husbands honour and reputation, not airing dirty laundry, relationships are hard, till death do us part etc.

Almost everyone I mentioned to that I had been to marriage counselling, they admitted the same in return. There are a lot of unhappy midlife couples out there. All different reasons keep people together, finances, fear of being alone, pride etc.

This is so much more a reflection on the married couples that are leaving you out, and some level of insecurity that they have. I think it's one of 2 things:

1. They don't trust their partners, or
2. They are unhappy and have made so many compromises to maintain their relationship, because they have believed patriarchal BS that that is better than being single, they are projecting this onto you. They think you will also make massive compromises and must be desperate to get into a new relationship.

Friends in happy healthy relationships would not leave you out.

Friendships are often in your life for reasons or seasons. If these married people have personal issues that mean they don't include you, time for new hobbies and new friends.

I chose to quietly slip away from the social groups / couples late DH and I used to socialise with. It was a painful reminder being around people who we used to socialise with., the context had changed and I dealt with it my way. It isn't always people "doing it" to the person who is no longer in the couple, sometime it's the other way round.

I tend to assume this. I like spending time with my husband, but I don't expect my friends to want to have him hanging around.

I do think most people are just not honest about themselves. I was single for a few years in my 40s. Dropped like a stone from a lot of my couple groups. But most marriages, after 20 years are not robust etc. And the narrative that it is just men that cheat is simply not trie. Both sexes do it and it is usually down to opportunity.

There will be a mixture of reasons: If you are fun and outgoing, you look like attractive competition, especially if others are unhappy. If you are vulnerable and unhappy yourself, then you could trigger the white knights. It is nothing personal to you but a reflection on their circs.

Obv there are a few exceptions,but this was the behaviour of the majority that I discovered, when I was single. So I went out and made new friends. Now that I have remarried, the dinner invites are back on. I don't mind and take new DH as there a lot of fun people in my old social circle and i kind of understand their behaviour.

Nobody thinks as much about you as you do, they are busy thinking about themselves.This is both good and bad.

Why do I want the husbands around?

Yep- I'm finding this a bit odd too. I'm married and so are my friends and I regularly meet up with my female friends alone for coffee/meals- in fact, I far prefer it. Why would I always want their bloody husbands to be there every time we meet up? I cant think of anything worse than someone dragging their partner along every time we arranged a girls meet up.

What is wrong with meeting up with people one on one for coffees?