To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

I think you’re being given a very hard time here OP and think many of the replies here are far more unreasonable than you!!

To the PPs calling OP greedy: Imagine for a minute that your siblings inherit everything and you get nothing at all. You know that you were loved equally and that this was likely an oversight, but there’s still nothing you can do about it.

You wouldn't feel the least bit upset about this situation? It wouldn’t cause any awkwardness in sibling relationships? You wouldn’t wish that you had had a conversation with your parents before they died so that you knew their intentions and that these were being carried out?

Maybe inheritance is irrelevant to those of you with loads of money. But for most of us mere mortals it would be very difficult to be told “money doesn’t matter, you should be grateful they loved you” while everything goes to siblings. I think any human would feel bitter.

OP your family set-up is like mine and the wills have been quite complicated and altered as each younger child grows up. It’s definitely something your parents should get legal advice for.

And dying intestate causes a hell of a lot of admin for someone to do.

Yes.

And the fact her mum might not have a will in this complicated family set up is really worrying.

She should have made a will upon marrying her H, and ensured the needs of OP (her child but not her H's) were taken care of.

Now OP is an adult, the issues are different but it's still a relevant matter.

I think you’ve been treated unfairly and harshly in this thread. I don’t think it’s grabby to want to know that your parents have made a will and done so with good advice. I think that’s a kindness. My own parents would be devastated to think that one child could be left out due to a technicality or oversight. If you were my child I’d want to reassure you that I’d provided for you in my death.

If you parents do have a will then it’s very likely they’ve assigned a guardian should they die while sibs are under age, have they discussed this with you?

obviously you’re not going to sell the house and make your child siblings homeless, PPs suggesting this are making lots of massive assumptions, because nothing you’ve said suggests this.

I hope you find the reassurance you need.

Obviously I do have kids 🙄

obviously you’re not going to sell the house and make your child siblings homeless,

I'm sure OP wouldn't.

However, that's why a will is needed. This needs to be explicit. I've seen people do utterly awful things, permitted under law, that one would have thought in decency they wouldn't do.

Hence a clear will that covers guardianship and finances for the dependent DC & adequate provision to OP.

You mention your family think of you as a stain, what do you mean by that? X

You’re 26! Focus on building your own empire. Expect nothing, anything else is a bonus. Frankly these days, it will all get swallowed up in healthcare costs anyway!

Exactly my point - she’s not wrong to explore the issue of wills with her parents.

People on Mumsnet are really weird about inheritances; they call everyone grabby, despite probably benefitting from their parents' generation being very frugal and generous in their wills, actively wanting to provide for their adult children.

I wouldn't expect much from the current older generations. As a whole, they're highly materialistic and have an attitude of "It's my money; my kids aren't entitled to any of it". To contrast, my grandma would regularly tell me what she wanted me to have when she died.

I think it sounds unfair that you might miss out on an inheritance because your mum has a partner who isn't your birth dad, and possibly just because they can't be bothered to check!

I find the MN approach to wills strange. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know if you’re included in wills or even (and probably more importantly ) if a will even exists.

unfortunately it may be that if your mum dies first and leaves everything to her husband, he may decide as you’re not his biological child that you’re not getting anything. This happened to my ex when his dad left everything to the wife and ex got nothing.

A more tactful way to approach it is to ask
about arrangements for your sibling’s care, especially if your parents health puts them at risk of an early death. The people saying the siblings being younger will need the house/money more clearly aren’t thinking about who ends up with the guardianship of
those kids and if that’s you then you need to know in advance.

My elderly mum refuses to write a will because she can’t think about the possibility of dying and she has rwally complex property issues. I understand your need to know but your mum is still young and hopefully has plenty of time to sort this out

Not my family. And not my step dad who now gives them the cold shoulder and only speaks to them out of necessity

But basically, my step dads family use to remind me when I was about 8/9/10 that I was his 'step daughter' and kept calling me that, in front of me and people introduced to me. So he told them all to sod off and now we are no contact

Dear god the attitude to most on here to talking about wills is horrendous.

Perhaps because I'm older but we all talk about this (I know what is in my dad's and my sisters wills and our kids know what is in ours)

I also know what funeral arrangements we all want.

I'm not saying she's entitled to anything but why are people hiding their wills from the very people (I.e. kids) who will have to deal with it? Are you frightened they'll bump you off?

Well, you know your mum doesn't have will and probably never will. So if she dies first, everything will go to your dad. So you can either talk to him or live with the situation hoping that she outlives him. Those are pretty much your choices.

What a batshit pile on! Poor you @chillyolives , these responses are crazy.

I am 44, my DH is 51. We have a 14 yr gap between my biological ds and our shared child. He raised my son from age 7.

If my son was feeling like you are now I'd be heartbroken and need to know so we could make reassure him. I would not give a blunt response, leave his share to the hedgehogs or any of the crazy and mean things people are saying. If my adult child felt like you I'd assume he was questioning his place in the family set up, now that he is an adult. I would not assume he is money grabbing and I think it's really unfair people are saying that to you.

Also - whatever we have left (modest house, who knows etc) will be split between 'the kids'. If god forbid that means a 24 and a 10 yr old that's how it will roll. With some instructions that my youngest lives there til 18. I hope your parents have the same plans in mind. There is nothing in your thread to suggest otherwise. This is probably more about your feelings than their intentions, and I think you should talk to your mum some more.

I'm your mum's age. If my dd asked me this question now I'd be sickened.

Yes. My Nan is like this. She has told me I am listed the same as her own children instead of a grandchild. I'm not sure why she chose to do this but she's been very transparent, God bless her

The two reasons you have said there are my fears. I know in my heart neither of them would see me with nothing but I also think neither of them have really bothered to check or worry about it

Exactly my point - she’s not wrong to explore the issue of wills with her parents.

I know it was!

I just chose this line as it's always a mistake to think 'obviously' anything when it comes to inheritance. It's amazing how quickly people can move away from assumptions held prior to bereavement!

OP, I get this on all counts. My stepdad is more like my actual Dad, I have step-siblings that are his children and not my DMs children.

I know there are lots of people saying don't ask these questions its grabby and for the longesr time I would have agreed but I'm currently in a position where my MIL is dying with no will in place and one cannot be put in place because she no longer has the mental capacity to make her own decisions and it's highly likely that her wishes (DH to inherit everything, and to cut DH's brother out of any inheritance) cannot be adhered to because there's no will. So I've had to do a lot of research into what happens in scenarios like yours and I think it's important to know the score.

In your case I think it all depends on what order things happen in. I think, if either your mum or dad goes first, the other parent gets the house. If your mum dies first, your dad gets the house but if he then dies, you are not his biological child so if there is no will I'm not sure you would get anything, it would be split between his biological children. The only exception would be is if he had formally adopted you.

It's not a comfortable conversation to have, it feels rude and awkward but I had the conversation with my DM and the wills are very clear to ensure whatever happens none of the DCs are left out.

Your Dad is the same age as my husband. He also has liver issues but stopped drinking 18 months ago as soon as these were suspected by his doctor. Continuing to drink with known liver issues is not going to end well for anyone I'm sorry to say - please please consider this.

"I've always been treated by his family like a stain and not a real grandchild."

Being a stain is your perception. Not being a real grandchild is fact. That is the reality of many 'blended families'.

I think it’s pointless asking your mum about this if she doesn’t have a will. If she dies first and they are married everything goes to him and he can change his will any time he wants. She’s your parent and the fact is she’s not leaving anything to any of you because she’s not got a will, so if it’s not about the money then there is nothing to worry about. If he dies first and she never makes a will then money will go to next of kin.

My Nan is like this. She has told me I am listed the same as her own children instead of a grandchild. I'm not sure why she chose to do this but she's been very transparent,

That is odd. I hope she's been clear with her DC. Treating a GC the same in terms of inheritance, as one's DC is not usual and if discovered after death is likely to cause rancour.

And that's why discussing intentions prior to death is important.

OP I would not take any of the stuff that’s been thrown at you (and which you’ve handled so gracefully) personally. Inheritances and wills and money cause such turmoil in families and you’ve possibly triggered a lot of people. You are right in what you want and if families in general took the up front and fair approach you describe while still alive so much pain and upset would be avoided when people leave.

You could try talking to them both and just say, if you don't have it tied down in a will, this is probably what would happen to your property when one/the other dies.
Maybe your SD is more likely to actually do something?

I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about it. Not talking about things like this is what causes all the problems.

Why are you worrying about money that isn’t yours, and may well be swallowed up in care costs anyway?

They aren’t dead yet.🙄

How can you possibly say that when you don't know the details?

They were explicitly told to stop calling me 'step daughter' in mine and my dad's presence. They continued to do so