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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

496 replies

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 07:44

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him Blush

OP posts:
Lillers · 26/05/2024 07:58

I know it’s awkward and uncomfortable, but it really is better to get this stuff sorted while they’re still here.

They don’t have to tell you what’s in their will - but they should make sure the wills they have reflect their wishes.

So rather than talking to them about making sure you’re included, talk to them about making sure their wills are in order, but don’t ask them what’s in it.

E.g. My mum part owns my sister’s house (they all live together). I obviously want to make sure I inherit my fair share if and when we lose mum, but it is of course complicated by the fact that it’s my sister’s family’s home. So I’ve spoken to mum about making sure everything is in order in her will in whatever way she sees right, because I know for a fact that my sister will just assume she inherits everything. I’m not interested in the ins and outs of how it gets decided - just making sure that when the time comes, it’s my mum that has made the decision, not my sister.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2024 07:58

I don't get the ages. You're 26. There's 15 yr between you and eldest sibling, so they're 41. And their dad is 44.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 07:59

ZebraD · 26/05/2024 07:57

You are very invested in something that is none of your business. Sense of entitlement is real here.

It's not about the money. Just what it represents

Like I say, they both have health issues too. So a long life is less likely by quite a lot

OP posts:
BingoMarieHeeler · 26/05/2024 07:59

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2024 07:58

I don't get the ages. You're 26. There's 15 yr between you and eldest sibling, so they're 41. And their dad is 44.

OP is oldest.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2024 07:59

Oh hold on. The 15 is the other way?

Samlewis96 · 26/05/2024 07:59

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2024 07:58

I don't get the ages. You're 26. There's 15 yr between you and eldest sibling, so they're 41. And their dad is 44.

I read it as she's the eldest having been born to mum BEFORE she met stepdad

And the the eldest of her siblings is about 11

AhBiscuits · 26/05/2024 07:59

Does she definitely have a will?
If not then if she dies first everything will go to her husband and then when he does it will go to his kids.

It actually seems crazy to me that you're eyeing up their money when Your dad is only in his 40s.

Ereyraa · 26/05/2024 07:59

Your siblings are very young then, if you’re only 26 and those are the age differences. It’s likely the wills are set up that they can remain living in the home, in the event of an early death of either parent.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:00

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2024 07:58

I don't get the ages. You're 26. There's 15 yr between you and eldest sibling, so they're 41. And their dad is 44.

No, I never said that my siblings are older. Surely it's obvious to assume they're younger, given he is my stepdad?

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 26/05/2024 08:00

Fucks sake woman, your parents are a similar age to me and my partner.

If my step son (Mr Monkey's son) badgered me about who gets our house when we die, my response would be pretty blunt and not particularly polite.

GRex · 26/05/2024 08:02

It is a bit much to ask a 44 year old about their will. For one thing, he might change it any time over the next 50 or so years before he dies. I would be more worried about why you seem to think your mum is not named on the house nor in his will, why is it you think it is all coming from his will?

If their money is shared fairly, couple usually pas their money to each other before children. Your mum's share should be split between 4, and your step dad's share between 3. In that case, your mum's will might be set up to leave you some first to avoid you being disinherited by the step dad, or your step dad might include a provision for similar. Your birth father may or may not have anything additional to leave you. If mum dies first and step dad didn't choose to name you then you could be disinherited, but you might wait for mum to die first to discuss that.

If your step father has raised you, then you could ask him about will planning, but initially I would focus it on provision for your mum given your comments suggesting mum doesn't know what is even in her own will.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:03

Ginmonkeyagain · 26/05/2024 08:00

Fucks sake woman, your parents are a similar age to me and my partner.

If my step son (Mr Monkey's son) badgered me about who gets our house when we die, my response would be pretty blunt and not particularly polite.

Edited

Again, they have significant health issues

I'm not interested in the cash. But I think it's very likely that my mum wouldn't have given this any thought at all. Purely really because she is a demand avoidance type and would bury her head in the sand with anything too complicated

Again, I am not after the cash. But I'd be heartbroken if they both went and learnt I never got a thing. Because that would cause a lot of distress, surely?

OP posts:
Toooldforthis36 · 26/05/2024 08:03

Bit grabby and also none of your business.

It’s also none of your siblings business. Someone’s estate is THEIRS to pass on to anyone they choose - no
one, biological relation or not - has any entitlement to someone’s house or money when they are gone.

Maybe focus on enjoying their company while they are here rather than your payday when they aren’t.

C1N1C · 26/05/2024 08:03

You say you don't care about money and are 'trying' to give the impression this is just about fairness and being considered. Basically, you just want to feel loved?

If that's true, why is the will even a factor? They have many years of life left, so live a life with them, spend time together, be loved. Actions speak louder than words (in a will).

You're effectively saying to them (blackmail)... "If you loved me, I'd be in your will," True love is about time together, not pieces of paper once gone.

Leafalotta · 26/05/2024 08:04

I find it really weird that so many posters think it's nothing to do with you or you don't have the right to ask. My family has a totally different approach, everything is very open, and is up for debate or discussion if someone doesn't like it. There are endless threads from people who are incredibly hurt and shocked after someone close to them has died and they have been cut out or not treated fairly, it's surely better to have these conversations whilst the person is still alive.

Reallybadidea · 26/05/2024 08:04

Are you sure they've even got a will?

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:04

Toooldforthis36 · 26/05/2024 08:03

Bit grabby and also none of your business.

It’s also none of your siblings business. Someone’s estate is THEIRS to pass on to anyone they choose - no
one, biological relation or not - has any entitlement to someone’s house or money when they are gone.

Maybe focus on enjoying their company while they are here rather than your payday when they aren’t.

Don't be so heartless. Who on earth thinks it's okay to leave inheritance to 3 kids and leave 1 out?! I would be turning in my grave if I knew I'd accidentally done that to my DC

I am not after the money. Read the full thread ffs

OP posts:
karottybagel · 26/05/2024 08:05

If someonen asked me this id genuinely change their share so it went to a local hedgehog sanctuary

Ereyraa · 26/05/2024 08:05

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:03

Again, they have significant health issues

I'm not interested in the cash. But I think it's very likely that my mum wouldn't have given this any thought at all. Purely really because she is a demand avoidance type and would bury her head in the sand with anything too complicated

Again, I am not after the cash. But I'd be heartbroken if they both went and learnt I never got a thing. Because that would cause a lot of distress, surely?

Show quote history

Surely you would be more distressed for your young siblings to lose their parents and then also their home, if both their parents ‘both went’ at a very early age?

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:05

C1N1C · 26/05/2024 08:03

You say you don't care about money and are 'trying' to give the impression this is just about fairness and being considered. Basically, you just want to feel loved?

If that's true, why is the will even a factor? They have many years of life left, so live a life with them, spend time together, be loved. Actions speak louder than words (in a will).

You're effectively saying to them (blackmail)... "If you loved me, I'd be in your will," True love is about time together, not pieces of paper once gone.

I don't understand this. It's not just a piece of paper when gone? Confused

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2024 08:05

If they have significant health issues already, then the major worry surely is your youngest sibling who is only 11?

TheBunyip · 26/05/2024 08:06

I’d be more worried about who was going to care for the step siblings if you’re anticipating the early deaths of both their parents. You might nothing get a share of a house but three kids to look after too

MrsMoastyToasty · 26/05/2024 08:06

I would be more concerned about who will be your half siblings guardian if both parents die.

NotSayingImBatman · 26/05/2024 08:06

ZebraD · 26/05/2024 07:57

You are very invested in something that is none of your business. Sense of entitlement is real here.

Oh give over, would you. An assumption of inheritance is perfectly normal assuming there’s no estrangement. OP seems to get on well with her mum and her stepdad, of course it’s not entitled to expect to inherit alongside her half siblings.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:07

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2024 08:05

If they have significant health issues already, then the major worry surely is your youngest sibling who is only 11?

No. The reality of that is that sibling would live with me, if they wanted to. Their alternative is family in a different country. Alongside my other two siblings, if they chose to do that until they got on their feet etc

OP posts: