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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

496 replies

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 07:44

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him Blush

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 26/05/2024 08:08

If your siblings are still legally children when your parents both die, then they will be in more need of the house than you - you’re already an adult!
Would you rather the house be sold to split the money and they be homeless?

Ginmonkeyagain · 26/05/2024 08:08

Are the health problems that significant you think they will die in middle age?

Many people live a long time with chronic health issues.

As people have said, if you genuinely think one or both of your parents are at deaths door I would concentrate the conversation on how your young dependent siblings and/or the surviving partner will be provided for.

If you are worrying about something that may happen in 10 - 20 years time then I would stop - a lot can happen in that time.

Littletreefrog · 26/05/2024 08:08

The man who you consider your Dad is 44 and you want to know who he is leaving his house to?!

I would say the main consideration here should be that the minor children (i.e not you) are provided for if their parents die before they become adults.

Other than that absolutely none of your business.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 26/05/2024 08:09

@chillyolives I have been left of my dad's will. I could have contested it and would have been rewarded financially... European Country, so different laws.

I didn't bother, this were his wishes, and I respected this. It was also typical for him, so no surprise...
He was happy for me to visit & and care for him when he was ill, to give the step mother a break. I don't regret it.

People are funny, especially when it comes to inheritance.

But in the end you'll relise that it's the quality time you have together that counts not £££ you may or may not get once they are gone.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:09

Soontobe60 · 26/05/2024 08:08

If your siblings are still legally children when your parents both die, then they will be in more need of the house than you - you’re already an adult!
Would you rather the house be sold to split the money and they be homeless?

Most absolutely not. Obviously. I wouldn't dream of such a thing

That house would be theirs by my say so for however long it was needed, even if the will said I was to be getting a %. I'd ensure that wasn't the case and they stayed put

Again, I am NOT just after some cash. I think you know that though, I've detailed it so much

OP posts:
Toooldforthis36 · 26/05/2024 08:09

Another thread where the OP doesn’t want to hear opinions that don’t match theirs….

zzplea · 26/05/2024 08:10

As for the parents' ages, once you have kids you're never too young to have a will.

The issue is whether the parents even have wills, and which were made after they married.

It's common to refer to children in a will but without naming them individually - this is useful if the couple go on to have more children and so the couple don't need to make new wills to include the name of the new child each time. In the case of step children, they would need to be named individually, for certainty about who was included.

Assuming your parents used a solicitor for their wills, I would expect the solicitor to have advised them on the best wording to use. However if they did DIY ones on a prepared form, it's possible they just referred to "my children", which in the case of your step father, might make it unclear as to whether that includes you.

It sounds as if the half siblings are still children and therefore still dependents. So your parents plans for caring for the under-18s is likely to override a concern for equal inheritance, at the moment anyway.

StoatofDisarray · 26/05/2024 08:10

OhFensa · 26/05/2024 07:57

Sounds like you need some therapy, not inheritance.

Exactly what I was thinking.

pastaandpesto · 26/05/2024 08:10

MN is batshit about wills. If you don't have a will in middle age you are reckless and irresponsible. If you do have a will in middle age it is inconceivable that you won't live until 105 and/or for your entire estate to be swallowed up in care fees. And for an adult child to express any curiosity or concern as to the content of said will is tantamount to wishing them dead so they can get their grubby hands on what is rightfully theirs. Mad.

I completely get it, OP. Whether you inherit a million or nothing at all, you are looking for reassurance that you'll be treated equally to your half siblings, and you're concerned that your mum and step dad may not have considered the steps needed to ensure that this happens in different scenarios.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:10

Toooldforthis36 · 26/05/2024 08:09

Another thread where the OP doesn’t want to hear opinions that don’t match theirs….

Except that's not the case, is it? I am challenging posters waffling on about me wanting to leave my siblings homeless Hmm not at all the case

OP posts:
Didimum · 26/05/2024 08:11

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 07:48

I would be heartbroken if they died and I'd been left out. Wouldn't you?

Knowing both of them, I don't even think it would be an intentional dig either

I've always been treated by his family like a stain and not a real grandchild. I cannot imagine finding out I'm not even on the will ffs

Show quote history

You’re conflating two unrelated things. Yes, it’s reasonable you might feel heartbroken, but it’s not reasonable for you to press them about their wills or their own money.

InterIgnis · 26/05/2024 08:11

However you may feel about it, you don’t have a right to know. You may desperately want to know, but no, they don’t have to tell you. It’s on you to manage your own feelings about this.

Itsthedress · 26/05/2024 08:12

Quitelikeacatslife · 26/05/2024 07:50

Your mum is 55 only a couple of years older than me. I would tell my kids to mind their own business if they asked me about my will. She could easily live another 40 years

It’s better to ask now though, when it all feels very distant, than when one or both are gravely ill - which will look grasping and probably be far more upsetting for everyone.

OP- maybe leave it now for a bit, and then ask your dad for ‘help’ to write your own will. That will bring up the topic and maybe you can ask him. It should also reveal whether they a) have a will b) used a solicitor. If they did, then there’s a good chance the solicitor will have asked the right questions to ensure you aren’t left out.

Wishthiswasntmypost · 26/05/2024 08:12

Blended families and inheritance is really hard. I'd get some counselling to help you understand that contents of a will really don't relate to love.

Between now and their death enjoy the time you share

Gummybear23 · 26/05/2024 08:12

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:03

Again, they have significant health issues

I'm not interested in the cash. But I think it's very likely that my mum wouldn't have given this any thought at all. Purely really because she is a demand avoidance type and would bury her head in the sand with anything too complicated

Again, I am not after the cash. But I'd be heartbroken if they both went and learnt I never got a thing. Because that would cause a lot of distress, surely?

Show quote history

You just want to grab.

What about your father?

Your step siblings are very young. Should they lose their parents soon they need more security and support.

Besides it is up to your parents.

Go and earn your own money Ms Greedy.

Gymmum82 · 26/05/2024 08:13

They have 3 small children at home. Surely the inheritance should go to them in the event they die young. You are a grown adult more than capable of looking after yourself. If they are all over 15 years younger they are very very young children at risk of losing everything. Anything left should be left to them for their care.
You are coming across very entitled and grabby here. I am almost 44 and have no idea the contents of my parents will. If I inherit great. If not oh well I’ll continue supporting myself like the adult I am 🙄

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:13

InterIgnis · 26/05/2024 08:11

However you may feel about it, you don’t have a right to know. You may desperately want to know, but no, they don’t have to tell you. It’s on you to manage your own feelings about this.

Of course they don't have to tell me. And I don't have to think of them the same way if they don't reassure with something like 'you're all equal on the will'. That's all that needs saying.

Anyway, they aren't like that. They just avoid big stuff because of other things.

My mum would never be offended in a million years! But would skirt around the issue because she doesn't have the mental space to find out and will avoid it for reasons I've said

OP posts:
ScarlettSunset · 26/05/2024 08:14

I don't get all the 'its none of your business' comments. If the parents died suddenly, it would quite likely involve the OP and their siblings sorting everything out and knowing the full situation is at least a helpful starting point!
And yes, it would feel like an unfair shock to find you'd been missed out, even if unintentionally
.
My father never made a will as he incorrectly assumed where everything would go anyway. It caused us a lot more hassle than it needed to but we did eventually get it sorted between us. After that, my mum made sure to make a will and to keep her children all in the loop about the contents.

There's nothing wrong with asking about it. It sounds as though your parents would want everything to be evenly split and it's important they check to make sure that will happen, if so.. It may even depend on which of them dies first so they should consider that. You might need to get your siblings on board with helping to ask though.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:14

Wishthiswasntmypost · 26/05/2024 08:12

Blended families and inheritance is really hard. I'd get some counselling to help you understand that contents of a will really don't relate to love.

Between now and their death enjoy the time you share

How do they not? Would you leave just one DC out of your will, if you loved them all equally?

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 26/05/2024 08:15

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:13

Of course they don't have to tell me. And I don't have to think of them the same way if they don't reassure with something like 'you're all equal on the will'. That's all that needs saying.

Anyway, they aren't like that. They just avoid big stuff because of other things.

My mum would never be offended in a million years! But would skirt around the issue because she doesn't have the mental space to find out and will avoid it for reasons I've said

Show quote history

But they don’t have to say it. That’s the point. You may want reassurance, but that doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to it, or that even if you were that you’d get it.

So now it’s on you to deal with your own feelings.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:15

Gymmum82 · 26/05/2024 08:13

They have 3 small children at home. Surely the inheritance should go to them in the event they die young. You are a grown adult more than capable of looking after yourself. If they are all over 15 years younger they are very very young children at risk of losing everything. Anything left should be left to them for their care.
You are coming across very entitled and grabby here. I am almost 44 and have no idea the contents of my parents will. If I inherit great. If not oh well I’ll continue supporting myself like the adult I am 🙄

No, I didn't say that. One of them is 15 years younger. The rest almost adults. Stop changing what I've said to suit your own narrative

OP posts:
BingoMarieHeeler · 26/05/2024 08:15

I agree that it’s OP’s business. As the oldest child I’d assume they’d be default person sorting death admin out. It’s a service to your children to be open about what happens after your death.

Gummybear23 · 26/05/2024 08:16

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:13

Of course they don't have to tell me. And I don't have to think of them the same way if they don't reassure with something like 'you're all equal on the will'. That's all that needs saying.

Anyway, they aren't like that. They just avoid big stuff because of other things.

My mum would never be offended in a million years! But would skirt around the issue because she doesn't have the mental space to find out and will avoid it for reasons I've said

Show quote history

They could leave you a nice photo or plant etc.

They have thought about you then.

Stop trying to get their money

You are an adult go and earn

Have some SHAME.

Original poster
chillyolives · 26/05/2024 08:17

BingoMarieHeeler · 26/05/2024 08:15

I agree that it’s OP’s business. As the oldest child I’d assume they’d be default person sorting death admin out. It’s a service to your children to be open about what happens after your death.

Exactly this. Nobody else is going to be around to sort any of the admin involved.

So I'm expected to sort that, which of course I will, but can't know if I, their own child, is included in a will?

Seems like madness to me Hmm

OP posts:
wizzywig · 26/05/2024 08:17

Awkward to ask, but as a parent I'd hate for my kids to be unsure of what provision I'd made for them in a will.