To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

It’s normal to wonder and I can’t imagine not knowing. Both my parents have been very honest with me and siblings.

Incredibly irresponsible to have children (at any age) and not put arrangements in place for what would happen to them if one or both of their parents die or become seriously ill. Hope for the best, by all means, but plan for the worst.

Ignore the spiteful replies. They're usually out of jealousy.

Most people in reality would like to know where they stand in these situations.

Ignore the spiteful replies. They're usually out of jealousy.

That's a really weird conclusion.

The OP has an extremely difficult sounding family situation. She's concerned that her mother and the man who she thinks of as a father are so ill that they might die soon and she has three siblings who are children.

What is there to be jealous of?

Who could be jealous of the OP's parents possibly dying whilst still middle aged?

What an incredibly nasty comment, shame on you.

It's bewildering to me that adult children would not have conversations with their parents (especially chronically ill parents) about the contents of their will, arrangements for power of attorney and their wishes upon death (burial/cremation etc).

It is a kindness to depart this information to your loved ones, so they know what to expect/plan if you die before them.

It's also not grabby to alert parents that due to the blended aspect of their family, things might not work in the way they would expect it to.

Google the rules of intestacy (if there is no will) and you'll be able to work out where you stand. It will depend on who dies first and the value of the estate.

I'm surprised so many people are finding this post offensive. I'm younger than your mum, no will, 4 kids. If I die it all goes to dh. If he remarried and dies it all goes to his new wife and my kids get nothing.

Far better than thinking and planning ahead I say. Not. A will is something I'm getting around too. Ideally I'd protect my assets but going on this thread so far maybe not.

If there is no will it depends who dies first.
If your dad dies first and the house passes to your mum when she dies it will be divided between all her children. It doesn't matter how old they are as your mother's children you all get an equal share.
If your mum dies first and then your dad dies. The house will be passed on to his children. Unless he has formally adopted you you will not be included.

Very much depends on who goes first and what’s in the will. If, for example your dad goes first then I would assume the house would be split between all children if a will isn’t made after your mum passes. If there is a will made your mum could leave it to anyone or the cats and dogs home! You’d hope both have made a will which then stipulates who gets what when the final parent dies and it’s split between you all. It’s not nice, we all need to talk about these things more clearly. My dad died just after Christmas and he had a clear will so it went to my mum and will eventually on to us. Another really useful thing is to stipulate in it what funeral you want as no one seems to talk about that either! My mum guessed what he wanted but I wish it was clear as I feel so sad as we didn’t do a funeral and I worry (stupidly) that he would have wanted one! Makes no sense as he hated them so mum is probably right but if it had been in black and white I wouldn’t have been left with this doubt. Must update my/our will!

I get it Op. It isn't about the money, but the psychology. I'm 15 years older than your Mum, so hopefully you've a while yet. But my Mum, who is still living (!), recently decided to split her worldly goods between children and grandchildren. She even asked me if I was ok with it. Of course I said yes! But there are uneven numbers of grandchildren, so it didn't seem 'fair' from a psychological perspective. I'm over it now, and focusing instead on keeping my Mum around for as long as possible, as that is the most important thing.

But also bear in mind that the decision will come down to who is the surviving partner, and their situation at the time. Anything could change in the meantime too.

I’m a bit baffled as to why everyone saying it’s rude for OP to talk about her parents will. In my family it was often mentioned that me and my sister were the beneficiaries from Mum, and it’s occasionally mentioned that my girls will get everything from me (I’m 53, they are teens), it’s no secret, why do taboo for it to be chatted about?

Absolutely. My Dad planned his funeral, right down to the music and me doing the eulogy. My Mum has done the same and told me the details. I also know my Mum's will in detail. She wanted the reassurance that she was in control even then!

The only way you could guarantee any share of anything is if there was a will written and you were named

There is an episode of money box on bbc sounds re inheritance. Worth listening to.

It may be insensitive asking about the will etc. But I do agree that some thoughts need to be given regarding that. I do have some experience re inheritance and death in family. It is really hard and in the end of the day funerals are not cheap either. I think I would listen to the money box podcast and take it from there.

@Jaxhog how come it doesn't seem fair to you to split the money equally amongst the grandchildren? (Not a criticism just trying to understand this!)

@spannered if one person has 4 children and one has none, then it could be seen as one person getting 5 shares and one person getting one share. i.e. the childless person is feeling penalised for not having children.

@Jaxhog ah ok so there would be a higher percentage of the inheritance going to one "family" unit vs another. I see that. I would consider it the fairer option though than the grandchildren having a disparity in amount.

But it's not them getting money it's their children. So would you consider it fair if for example one grandchild got 50k and their cousins (. 4 siblings) only got 12.5 k each. All your mother's grandchildren equally

Something to consider about sharing equally between children, as opposed to grandchildren, is that in most circumstances you will know that your direct issue is x number of children. But if you also divide among grandchildren there is still a chance that there could be more grandchildren, who would potentially miss out.

You can’t ultimately make things ‘fair’. One set of grandchildren might be in very comfortable circumstances, and have other grandparents who are rich. Another set of grandchildren might be in poverty. But over 20, 30, 40 years this could all change.

Even if a will is written it can still cause resentment as it did in DH family. The will meant that Grandmother’s wishes were carried out though. DH inherited from his grandmother which without the will he would not have done. It’s not wrong to ask if a will has been written and if you have been included in that will. My two siblings and I know that when one of our parents dies everything passes to the other and on the death of both everything is split equally three ways. Two of us can make decisions on their health and two on financial matters should the need arise and two are executors. We each have responsibility for two out of the three things so one person isn’t making decisions alone.

@Darker this is something my parents have discussed with me as I am the youngest sibling (so perhaps most likely to continue to have children once they have passed). The advice they received from their lawyer was that money could be put into a trust to be split equally amongst grandchildren when the oldest grandchild turns 25 (or any other age really!). But there are rules with trusts and it would place a burden on the trustees.

Ultimately they just felt that there had to be a cut off and for ease, that should be upon their death.

By the time I was born I had no living grandparents and so didn't inherit from them, but my siblings each gave me some of theirs, so we ended up equal. My parents felt that their parents would not have wanted me to have been left out. It was very kind!

Op I’m the mum in the same situation as you and I had to have a specific wording in mine and my husbands wills which ate mirrored. As my DS has a different father he doesn’t legally count as a child heir.
so they do need to account for this.
I’ll happy send you privately the wording.
legally they could hand write that they expect to include you and the other 3 equally. Amd sign and date.

to everyone saying it’s grabby I’ve had a copy of my parents wills since I was 35yrs.
there’s nothing to hide all transparent

Selfish and greedy.

Haven't read the full thread but two things to note :

1. a marriage revokes a will

Eg. your mum and dad get married and then each make a will. they get divorced.

your mum remarries your step dad. Her will is revoked by the fact of her marriage. She now has no will. If she wants one she needs to make a new one.

your dad does not remarry. his will is still valid because divorce alone does not revoke a will. he may not want to still leave his estate to his ex-wife (likely in first will) so needs to make a new one

2.if there is a current will, find out who the executors of the will are from your mother and which solicitors hold it. (don't take no for an answer push and push because you need to know this even if you don't know the contents)
Fuck all this being grabby. When your parent dies, you will most likely be bearing a huge burden of organising funeral, sorting estate and so on and so on. If you don't even know where the will is held or if you have a responsibility as executors (many people name their adult children as executors) you will have more of a headache at a time of huge grief.