To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

We’re very open in our family too. I know what’s in my sisters will. DM has just rewritten her will (DF passed away 3 years ago). She gave me a copy to have a look at last week. We’ve also all discussed what we want when we die. Ie mum wants a direct cremation.

You are not being at all unreasonable OP. I'd want to know too if I were you. I would ask again but I'd include it in a conversation about POAs too. It's important for anyone but especially as your parents have long term health issues.

It's NOT grabby or rude to ask and want to know.

Also, I know it's not the case in your case OP but I don't see why wanting to know because of the actual money is that bad either. These days houses are worth so much money that estates can represent massive amounts of money.

I would definitely be telling Mum and Step Dad that they really need to do a Will, it’s important for relatives to know what their wishes are, especially with regards to Guardianship of younger siblings for you to be able to look after them, this really needs to be included in Will as standard. There are also so many things that can go wrong if there’s no Will, say your Mum dies first, then your Step Dad, your Step Siblings may inherit everything. Given your parents have health issues, this is a priority for them to sort it out asap.

I think I'm going to leave the thread as I don't think I deserve a pile on like this. It's so strange and obscure to me that people think it's perfectly okay to not let the person, your own child, who would be sorting everything out that they're included in your will.

For what it's worth, neither of my parents would dream of shutting me off and not telling me. My mum would just avoid it for reasons I've explained, as it's in her nature to ignore pressing stuff until last minute

But it isn't because 'I've got no business to know'

Shocked that so many of you think that if that was their way of thinking, that would be perfectly okay

But OP is not asking in order to know just who she contacts and what she gathers in order to sort out all their affairs, she is asking because she wants to know if she’s included or not.

When my dad was very ill and went into hospital (and subsequently died), he let me know where his paperwork was and the names and numbers of his solicitors. That has nothing to do with getting money.

I was about to put what Mindymomo has just put, I'd be far more concerned about guardianship wishes for your youngest sibling. This needs to be sorted. So they do really need to sort a Will out for this if nothing else.

Maybe work on improving your relationship with your siblings? We have a blended/complicated family. My little brother will get no inheritance as both of his parents have nothing but debt. My dad remarried and will likely have money to leave to his kids. The five of us siblings/half siblings have an informal agreement to split whatever we get, if anything, five ways, as it wouldn’t be a life changing amount for any of us and it wouldn’t feel fair that he gets nothing. Whether that works out or not is another matter but I will keep my side of the bargain.

I think a lot of the replies are really harsh on OP.
If her DM avoids complicated issues I can understand that she is worried that her DM wishes may not be catered for.
It’s not about being grabby it’s about ensuring her parents wishes are put in place.
Why are people saying things like she’s wants making her siblings homeless🤷‍♀️

Looking back your siblings are 11, 13 and 15. That is not ‘almost an adult’ they need the money more than you do and yes if I had young kids and an adult child I would 100% leave more to the young children and less or nothing to the adult irrespective of love for them. The kids need it more.

You’ve asked and received your answer. You just don’t like it. If you know better then go and ask directly. It’s a very simple solution.

You need to be asking them about how the younger child is protected.

Neither DH nor BIL know what is in PILs’ wills. Neither DB nor I know what is in DF’s will. And they’re all in their 80s.

Does it really matter whether anyone else thinks it’s okay or not? People disagreeing with them doesn’t mean they have to share that information - that’s entirely up to them. There could be unanimous agreement that they’re wrong, but so what? It is their business and if they don’t want to tell you they don’t have to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hypothetical question. If this relative had an ornament, letters, or a collection, or a vintage car that was their absolute pride and joy, their most loved posession... and they left that to you instead of money, showing that you were truly in their heart and that they were trusting this to you... Sentimentality their most cherished possession, but they had left 50k to each of the other family members. Would that hurt? Would you be appeased?

The love would be proven... or is it about the money?

OP wants to know if she is included in the will.
That's all, end off.

The rest about sorting admin. Is BS.
I'm sure the nearly adults siblings will be able to sort that too.

This sounds harsh but their will is their business not yours. Even if it leaves you feeling heartbroken, they're knowingly leaving it to who they please and maybe you asking about it now will reinforce their decision to leave you out of it.

I would be upset if my parents left everything to my sister as it's the thought behind it, but if they do that it's their choice. It's their house and their money it's got nothing to do with me.

I'd suggest not dwelling on it! Focus on enjoying life with your family and time with them as when that's gone you'd spend all the money in the world getting it back again

I have 2 DC with my ex and 1 DSC, we have no children together. If I did not have a will and died first my DH would inherit everything then when he died DSC would get everything. So my DH & I have both made wills which all children have a copy of so they all know who gets what. It covers everything so if I died first my wishes cannot be overturned. Obviously you cannot force them to make a will but it needs to be done if your Mum wants to make sure you have your share

OP, you aren't wrong to want to have this conversation but your rationale and explanations are skewed. That's why you are getting such critical replies.

The issue of whether you'll get a share of the house is not the point.

Adequate provision for your younger siblings, and your role in that (hence why the house does matters I agree) is critical.

If they are unwell and may die prematurely, proper provision for the younger siblings needs to be made: instructions as to guardianship, where they will live, educational support and provision for you, if you'll care for them.

That's a valid and proper conversation to have, and yes, you should have it.

But you are starting from the wrong place with 'Will a share of the house be left to me'.

I have to base my answer on my own DC. If I loved all of them equally, which I do, no, I wouldn't think leaving my valued possession such as letters or an ornament a fair and just representation as leaving their sibling 50k. That possession might mean the world to me, but it's a bit odd to think it would mean that much to them and that it would be fair or just that I left their sibling with life changing money, no.

God what is the vitriol around OP wondering if she’s included in the will?? So what if she’s wondering that?? Most healthy families would leave money etc to their children. Why wouldn’t you 😵‍💫 it’s a perfectly ordinary scenario. You lot are bananas.

Well obviously you don't have kids because noone would willingly treat their own kids that way.

The OP isn't being greedy, or concerned that her mother is going to leave her just an ornament rather than money. She's concerned that her flakey mother hasn't made any provision out of oversight, rather than a deliberate decision to exclude her.

I don't know why so many posters can't comprehend that.

And dying intestate causes a hell of a lot of admin for someone to do.

I completely agree!
Lots of people don't even realise that things like remarrying change who gets what. Why wouldn't the OP want to know if her parents have even thought about it?

Our children asked us about our wills when the older one was about 12, we were about to update them. We asked them who they would like to look after them if we died tomorrow. They told us, and with agreement, there people were put as guardians. Now DC are both adults, they still know what's in our updated wills.
Actually they are both executors, so know where they are, that they are recorded on line, and essentially can look at them anytime they want.
So, it's not always from a money grabbing context that people want to know.

Even if they didn’t include you you could contest it.

im wondering if the real issue here is due to the situation you have described, a fear of abandonment and not being seen, a yearning to to seen and to feel as valued and secure as DHSs, maybe, and the way your mom is hard to connect with in a direct and real way. Have you been to therapy to address that?