Page 16 | To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

chillyolives · 2024-05-26T06:44:42+00:00

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad) Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die. She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely' And then changed the subject. Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not? My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure. My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him [blush]

Dartwarbler · 26/05/2024 18:17

OnGoldenPond · 26/05/2024 18:13

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator we are tenants in common on the house and have each left each other a life interest in the home then to the DC after the second spouse death. So lessens likelihood that all home value would go on care fees. But they are also both intelligent financially savvy adults so they understand that the will only applies to the assets that are left on death.

I expect,you know that local authorities COULD view that as deprivation of assets. If you’ve done it to “avoid” care costs.

didnt used to be case. Solicitors and wealth/financial advisors used to advise tenant in common switch and trust as routine as it did work. But councils got extended powers to view as deprivation of assets around 15 plus years ago (erm…George osbourne austerity ?)

no harm having it in there. But absolutely can and would be challenged. Just saying.

CovertPiggery · 26/05/2024 18:17

Dartwarbler · 26/05/2024 17:58

I agree with people saying it’s none of your business…

but as a 60 plus person, I really really hate the secrecy about wills. Why for god sake? A will can be changed at any time but surely it’s useful to let beneficiaries know what MIGHT happen in these circumstances where there are second partners, half siblings etc.
my 2 dc (late twenties and 30) have copies of my will, and LPOA, and probably roll their eyes when I talk about changes to my expression of wishes. But they know. They also know I could end up in a care home with dementia like my dad and spend all savings at rate of £2k a week - but at least they know what might happen if I drop dead tomorrow and what to do. Right now they know if property market continues to rise in prices they’ll be paying and I drop dead suddenly in next few years they’ll pay IHT and I’m ok with that becuase they’ll still get a lot😱😱🤷🏼‍♀️. But if I live to 100 it’ll be equity taken from the house 🙄🤣

I just don’t get it- what are people so scared of in having a grown up conversation with their beneficiaries to explain what their intententions are and why.

for that matter my own dear dad wrote me out the will for a time a very long time ago- at least he had the balls to tell me. Then he put me back in- told me, and I said I would simply assume I wasn’t in the Will as didn’t want to play his control games…fwiw he realised I was a grown up women and not a child to be told off if I did something he didn’t approve,of and I wasn’t perfect but he also wasn’t perfect. Made him think. As a result we’ve been close for over 30 years now…so again it was useful to us to have that conversation to realise what a pillock he was being 😱🤷🏼‍♀️🤣 he’s 90 now and very poorly with dementia now. I think the in will/out will was a game his own parents played on him and he thought it was normal.

I also have VERY strong views on parents playing games with taking one child out of Will. They are leaving a legacy of division and difficulty between the very children they bought into the world. Why the hell would you do that ? Unless there are really good reasons for uneven inheritence like a dependant adult “child” (which definately needs discussion to set expectations asap) it’s just bonkers to leave your lasting memories as a unforgiving, mean and divisive person who wanted to create problems and resentment for your children for the rest of their lives.

Why have you bothered telling your children if it's none of your business?

How would it not be OPs business if her mum has not thought about what might happen if she dies first and ends up accidentally disinheriting her.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 26/05/2024 18:19

Tomorrowillbeachicken ·
Yikes, she’s 55 and it’s really none of your business. You are being a CF

starfishmummy · Today 18:15
YABVU to discuss something thst is none of your business

But it is OP's business - as the eldest of four siblings where the other three aren't adults yet, and the parents not in good health, and being most likely the one expected to take care of everything plus look after the three younger half-siblings, it is very much OP's business.

Lovesacake · 26/05/2024 18:22

If they make a will and leave you out that would be really hurtful, but if they don’t bother to leave a will because they are chaotic people then they have treated all their children equally by naming none of them in a will.

It sounds like you know they love you and value you, but you also know they are crap at sorting out legal paperwork. So why choose to be deeply hurt by something which is just a reflection on who they are and not a reflection on their feelings for you? It doesnt matter how many times you say you would do it differently with your kids, they aren’t you!

Dartwarbler · 26/05/2024 18:22

CovertPiggery · 26/05/2024 18:17

Why have you bothered telling your children if it's none of your business?

How would it not be OPs business if her mum has not thought about what might happen if she dies first and ends up accidentally disinheriting her.

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ok, didn’t make point clearly, I can’t disagree with others that she is NOT entitled, or doesn’t have rights to know. legally there’s nowt saying she has to know. She isn’t entitled to know.

BUT I can say that I personally think it’s bonkers not to tell beneficiaries ,and really can’t see why you would be reluctant to not give that info to your kids. Especially if younger kids- which I put in my second post later when I read how young these siblings were.

see, not difficult is it.

YellowDots · 26/05/2024 18:27

BUT I can say that I personally think it’s bonkers not to tell beneficiaries

Why? There is no guarantee that they will get anything. Even if it's a pair of earrings of a book that you are leaving them in your will, anything could happen to those things before you die.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 26/05/2024 18:27

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 07:56

I don't think my mum has a will, no.

I have no interest in the actual cash really - I would be glad if they reach very old age and can use it for care

My motivation for knowing is because I would feel deeply hurt if they both died and nobody bothered to put me down as someone worthy of inheritance

I understand entirely @chillyolives.
You can only ask your dad. But if you have been accidentally left out you would have grounds to contest it.

CormorantStrikesBack · 26/05/2024 18:31

In reality she’s likely to leave it to her younger partner not you. She could do some form of trust but people often don’t bother and trust that their surviving partner will honour their wishes. But they often don’t. You’ll be relying on his good will to leave you something.

And if there’s no will like you think there isn’t if your mum dies first he will get everything. If he then dies without a will his children will get everything. Are you legally adopted?

karottybagel · 26/05/2024 18:31

If you tell someone they are beneficiary of your will they may decide to hasten your death or at least nor prolong it, for the wrong reason. They may also try to discourage you or your POA from spending

saraclara · 26/05/2024 18:32

The last thing I want to do as a parent is leave behind a situation that causes conflict between my children. I'm in my late 60s now and giving an awful lot of thought to making sure that I leave things as clear and as fair as possible, because I've seen things go so badly wrong, destroying families, after a badly worded will.

OP has made it clear that it's not about the money. In her place I'd ask if things had been made clear, and say that is because you and the siblings will need to stick together when your parents die, and you don't want anything to affect that.

As the much older sibling who might end up looking after the others, it's even more important that you know that everyone is covered. If you have no funds to care for them or put a roof over their head, while they have lots of money but are too young and immature to understand the issue, it's a recipe for disaster.

I think my last paragraph gives you good reason to bring it up with your step dad.

saraclara · 26/05/2024 18:35

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 15:44

I have a will. And I have had conversations about DC and their care if I did and H dies

I am 26.

Death can come for anyone at any age. I think a Will is essential and open and frank conversations should be had, especially if you have children

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You are a very wise young woman. Good on you for having those conversations and putting your own affairs in order.

Corksoles · 26/05/2024 18:35

Oh OP, I totally understand why you would want to check that they don't accidentally leave you out. I think my parents regards me as luckier than my sibling, and I really fear they will reflect this in their wills. I am expecting not a penny - they have very few assets at all - but if it's uneven and I can't speak to then to understand, I will be devastated. I can't bear the thought that I might doubt how much they loved me for the rest of my life.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 26/05/2024 18:42

sleekcat · 26/05/2024 16:01

They're quite young for this sort of talk. If your mum is on the house deeds then you should get a share, regardless of who paid for it. But it's too much of a complicated conversation at this stage, I would not bring it up. If your mum dies first and leaves everything she owns to your dad, then it will come down to him what happens to it.
I'm not far off that age and I haven't even got a will. I'm ok with that at the moment as I only have two children and no partner so it would automatically end up with them getting half each. If I made a will now I may change it in the future to include future grandchildren etc. Who knows what someone will choose to do in 30-40 years?
If my children, one of whom is around your age, wanted to have a serious conversation about my will I'd be a bit shocked. But if they were just asking general questions I'd be fine with it.

In the first place, you are incorrect. If the house is owned as joint tenants (rather than tenants in common) it would pass straight to the step father.

Secondly, your situation is not comparable to the OP’s, as you only have bio kids, not step children. So no one gets left out if you die intestate. The whole point is that the OP could easily be left out.

Thirdly there is no too-young to write a will. Once you have property or any savings or assets to speak of: make a will. Especially if you have young children who would need a roof over their heads and preferably a named guardian.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 26/05/2024 18:44

OP, talk to your Mum about the importance of making a will due to there being young children, the need for them to be cared for and the need for you to be in a position to care for them. With a roof over their heads.

WomanMumLoverDaughterStepmumFriend · 26/05/2024 18:44

Depends where you live . Are yiur mum and stepdad married ?

tiggergoesbounce · 26/05/2024 18:47

It depends on your relationship with them.
My mum had no probs telling us, she told us everything she owned was split between me and my brother. My dad has told us what he wants doing with his, My nan has done the same.
My FIL has made it clear what's happening with his will.

I suppose its weather they are all defensive about it. If you are close just ask her and say you would be hurt if you got nothing from her and it all went to the half siblings.
She will either tell you to mind your own business (I would count it as I'm not included) or she will be honest....but sadly she may genuinely not know and have left it all to the man to do 🙄

idril · 26/05/2024 18:52

If your mum doesn't have a will, what would most likely happen is that if she dies first, the house will go to your stepdad (because they are married). He he doesn't have a will, when he dies the house will go to his kids if he hasn't remarried. If he's remarried, the house will go to his new spouse and and then in turn to new spouses kids.

No idea why so many people seem to think you are grabby and greedy and that it's none of your business. Most people would like to make sure that whatever they leave (if anything) goes to the people they love not some random people they've never met before so it's really important to talk to your mum and step dad about making a will.

I don't expect anything from my dad (mum already died) and I tell him that when he talks about it but I am very pleased that he has made a will because he remarried and I know he would be very upset if any money that is left over when he is gone does not end up going to his own family rather than his wife's family (they don't have kids of their own).

Palacelife · 26/05/2024 18:55

chillyolives · 26/05/2024 07:48

I would be heartbroken if they died and I'd been left out. Wouldn't you?

Knowing both of them, I don't even think it would be an intentional dig either

I've always been treated by his family like a stain and not a real grandchild. I cannot imagine finding out I'm not even on the will ffs

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I would be upset too. I loved my step dad and to me he was my real dad. It’s about treating you all the same x

LindaDawn · 26/05/2024 19:10

I totally understand your need to know and how upset you would be if you were left out. I feel parents should let their children know about their wills so nothing is a shock! Lots of family rifts are caused by wills not properly thought out. Maybe try and put this aside for now and ask your parents at some later stage but do appreciate this will be difficult.

Oblomov24 · 26/05/2024 19:19

@Didimum :"It’s really none of your business, OP."

I disagree. It being a 2nd marriage, whose house it is, who is on the deeds, if no will, does it transfer to his children only, does mum only get to live in the house if there's a provision for her to do so, will the step kids want her out so they can get their inheritance. Not with op particularly but with different families there's loads to think about.

Didimum · 26/05/2024 19:25

Oblomov24 · 26/05/2024 19:19

@Didimum :"It’s really none of your business, OP."

I disagree. It being a 2nd marriage, whose house it is, who is on the deeds, if no will, does it transfer to his children only, does mum only get to live in the house if there's a provision for her to do so, will the step kids want her out so they can get their inheritance. Not with op particularly but with different families there's loads to think about.

If you read my later posts, I say that she should know if expected to sort out her mum’s affairs after she dies or wants to ensure her mum is taken care of in the event of his death, but that’s not why OP asking. She’s asking as she wants to ensure she gets a slice.

CovertPiggery · 26/05/2024 19:30

Didimum · 26/05/2024 19:25

If you read my later posts, I say that she should know if expected to sort out her mum’s affairs after she dies or wants to ensure her mum is taken care of in the event of his death, but that’s not why OP asking. She’s asking as she wants to ensure she gets a slice.

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Why is that wrong when she's as sure as she can be that her mum wants her to have a slice, but is rubbish at arranging things?

Didimum · 26/05/2024 19:37

CovertPiggery · 26/05/2024 19:30

Why is that wrong when she's as sure as she can be that her mum wants her to have a slice, but is rubbish at arranging things?

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Because they are another adult’s finances and no one is entitled to that information unless offered or entitled to orchestrate plans. You’re not required to agree with me.

saraclara · 26/05/2024 19:38

Didimum · 26/05/2024 19:25

If you read my later posts, I say that she should know if expected to sort out her mum’s affairs after she dies or wants to ensure her mum is taken care of in the event of his death, but that’s not why OP asking. She’s asking as she wants to ensure she gets a slice.

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She's asking because a) she doesn't want the hurt when it happens, and b) she's the one who's going to end up looking after her much younger siblings. Potentially with no funds with which to do so.

If I was potentially going to end up being the carer and mother figure to orphaned young children, I would absolutely want to make sure that the will factored that responsibility in.

Lavengro · 26/05/2024 19:40

I don't think yabu to have asked, but given that you haven't managed to find out I do think yabu to be angrily equating a share in the house to a perception of your importance in the family. I don't know what will be in your parents' wills (if any), but I can easily imagine a scenario where your siblings would inherit and not you because of the fact that you are much older and have a life and home of your own already. They're really pretty young and it might be many years before they're living and earning independently. I don't think it would be unreasonable for that to factor in whatever your parents have decided to do, perhaps with a view to reconsidering and rewriting their will if they survive another 20 years or so.

Yabvu to conflate all of this with your stepdad's parents' treatment of you all those years ago, hurtful though that undoubtedly was. Whoever else has advised him in writing his will, it doesn't sound as though it will have been them.

If you are sure you're loved equally, then put the will out of your mind. If you're not sure of it, then maybe you should talk to them about that, not who inherits the house.