To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

It’s really sensible to talk openly about inheritance. About half of uk adults don’t have a will. It can solve a lot of disputes and heartache down the line, not to mention legal expenses - particularly given so many families are blended. Many people either don’t have a will or don’t update it and it can leave so much chaos behind. There is nothing wrong with knowing what your parents’ wishes are and helping ensure this is all reflected in wills. I note also that your mum has adhd, and this could well, as you indicate, be why she changed the subject if, like me, she is phobic about life admin. I’d keep gently pushing on this.

oh I would have been unhappy about it, (parents died years ago) its just I am not sure what the OP (or anyone) can actually do about it. I mean yes the OP can ask, they can say why they are asking, but no one has to answer and if the answer they get isn't what they wanted, then what next?

making a will is sensible but discussing it is a personal choice.

OP having been disinherited by my father at the instigation of his second wife, I understand why you care. It's rather tiresome, all the people sniffling sanctimoniosly at your supposed grabiness.

My mum would have been accidentally excluded from her otherworldly father's inheritance if she hadn't raised the issue with him. I think it entirely legitimate that she did not want all his wealth to go to a stepmother who had exploited her throughout her childhood.

It's about being recognised, and yes it's about the bit of extra security or possibility that money can bring. Nothing wrong with that.

I suspect most of the judgmental posters haven't faced this kind of situation, and anyway you're entitled to deal with it in your own way.

So if your mum and dad need care in the coming years are you going to leave them in a care home for 20 years and not think about them? I'm presuming there's more context with your biological dad as as a standalone comment that sounds awful!

I take it your dad sees u as his daughter ? If they have a will why would your mum and dad leave you out? Has there been issues before? Do u feel left out now ?

Why not? Aren't you going to be dealing with it? I have my mum's original will in my house. Not just a copy, the actual original. Because she wants me to deal with it when she dies. It's pretty straightforward - she has a house and a small amount in a current account. It goes equally to me and my siblings.

families differ on what they do. My father always sent us a copy of any new will, power of attorney etc and I have done the same with my children and also had the boys make wills when they turned 18 even! We all have copies and mine is very simple - everything to all 5 children equally.

However some families do not want to talk about these things or keep things secret. I have not read the full thread but someone probably already mentioned that in England in some cases (but by no means all) the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975 may allow a challenge to a will where someone who is dependant on a family member is left out eg if someone leaves their infant child out etc.

If I were the poster I would start with spending £3 today and going on line and doing a Land Registry search to find out (a) who currently owns the marital home of the mother and step father and (b) if it is mortgaged. Then I would have a word with the step siblings to ask them if they know anything about what happens when the worst happens given your mother is older eg about her burial wishes and take the conversation on from there.

If this home were owned by the mother before the second marriage it may still just be in the mother's name and the stepfather may not inherit it when the mother dies although if the mother has no will then you need to look at English intestacy law.

OP ignore the vipers.

Your actions and thoughts are 100% reasonable and sensible.

Try to talk to your parents about it, calmly and simply.

Yes you can sweep money and death under the carpet if you like. But sometimes difficult conversations are worth having.

It's a conversation that needs to be had, if only in terms of what would happen if both mother and step father passed away before the three half-siblings became legal adults, or if the mother and or step-father needed care. OP as the eldest and bio daughter of the mother needs to know what potential provisions need to be made, especially as being the eldest of the four half-siblings, will inevitably be the one having to deal with it all. OP has said neither mother nor step-father are in good health, so their ages of 55 and 44 respectively shouldn't be considered 'too young' to be putting their affairs in order.

Really disappointing to hear OP being called 'grabby' just because she'd like to know what the legal position is, and feels hurt at the possibility she might be treated differently to the other, younger, three, despite having to be the one who'll have to deal with everything.

Not only did exh and I have a will, we made sure the dc knew who would take care of them should both of us die. Sadly we knew a family where both parents were killed in a car crash.

Post divorce my DC knew what my will contained, their dad remarried and brought up a step child. We know his will makes equal provision for all of the children, including the step child.

Some of these replies are batshit. Of course it makes sense for all of this to be transparent and for adult DC to be fully informed about what the situation is, they'll have to sort it out (my parents both died in intestate,"wills are for posh people" 🤷🏼‍♀️ luckily my siblings were more than happy for me to sort out the mess and distribute what was left).

Reminder to self. Check the will doesn't need updating.

Is it? The OP is 26. Her biological father has been in a mental health unit for the last 20 or so years with severe schizophrenia. If her mother never took her to visit when she was a child, how was she supposed to form any relationship with her father? For all we know, he was never part of her life even before that time.

Sadly, after 20+ years on antipsychotics and institutionalised, he may be in a pretty bad state. Totally different situation from the relationship OP has with her mother and stepfather, who have brought her up.

Not really

When you write a will you name beneficiaries and executors, you should discuss your wish for someone to be an executor and your wishes with them.

If you draw up your own will, someone needs to know where it is in order to handle it, or else it may get discarded and you end up intestate.

If you wish to keep it to yourself, fair enough, but then you should have it drawn up by a solicitor with them as executors of the estate.

In my experience it is better to be transparent, make sure all beneficiaries are happy and feel its fair / reasoning sound and keep the legacies nice and simple.

It is when it's a blended family and one is older and presumably sorted themselves out financially?

I agree with people saying it’s none of your business…

but as a 60 plus person, I really really hate the secrecy about wills. Why for god sake? A will can be changed at any time but surely it’s useful to let beneficiaries know what MIGHT happen in these circumstances where there are second partners, half siblings etc.
my 2 dc (late twenties and 30) have copies of my will, and LPOA, and probably roll their eyes when I talk about changes to my expression of wishes. But they know. They also know I could end up in a care home with dementia like my dad and spend all savings at rate of £2k a week - but at least they know what might happen if I drop dead tomorrow and what to do. Right now they know if property market continues to rise in prices they’ll be paying and I drop dead suddenly in next few years they’ll pay IHT and I’m ok with that becuase they’ll still get a lot😱😱🤷🏼‍♀️. But if I live to 100 it’ll be equity taken from the house 🙄🤣

I just don’t get it- what are people so scared of in having a grown up conversation with their beneficiaries to explain what their intententions are and why.

for that matter my own dear dad wrote me out the will for a time a very long time ago- at least he had the balls to tell me. Then he put me back in- told me, and I said I would simply assume I wasn’t in the Will as didn’t want to play his control games…fwiw he realised I was a grown up women and not a child to be told off if I did something he didn’t approve,of and I wasn’t perfect but he also wasn’t perfect. Made him think. As a result we’ve been close for over 30 years now…so again it was useful to us to have that conversation to realise what a pillock he was being 😱🤷🏼‍♀️🤣 he’s 90 now and very poorly with dementia now. I think the in will/out will was a game his own parents played on him and he thought it was normal.

I also have VERY strong views on parents playing games with taking one child out of Will. They are leaving a legacy of division and difficulty between the very children they bought into the world. Why the hell would you do that ? Unless there are really good reasons for uneven inheritence like a dependant adult “child” (which definately needs discussion to set expectations asap) it’s just bonkers to leave your lasting memories as a unforgiving, mean and divisive person who wanted to create problems and resentment for your children for the rest of their lives.

Me and DH recently set up wills and I gave both adult DC a copy of the will and a letter from the solicitor telling them what they needed to do in the event of our death. I feel it's best to be upfront about these things now so they don't need to worry about what will happen in the future.

I'm just over 60 - our kids are all aged over 30 and we have grandkids

We have in recent years told our kids but their message was like most people kids "Please spend more money on yourselves. They did not want the money but we gifted all three of them several hundreds of thousands - one got a lot more than the other two

We could change our Wills, once, twice or many more times as could your dad and that is a face. No one can say if your dad is not going to go before your mum and mum marries again - sadly that is a fact of life

With respect, you have no right to ask them and if you do - it may affect your relationship if you don't like the amswer

you need to warn them this is subject to change and not set in stone

importantly, demntia and care home fees can cost easily over a million if you have that kind of money - an uncle was in a care home for close to 7 years, with dementia

Of course you’re entitled to ask your mum what her wishes are, and if she wants to write a will. We asked my mum if she wanted to do a will after my father died to ensure everything runs smoothly. She was grateful that my brother helped her with a will and arranged a visit to the solicitor. I think in your situation I would definitely clarify things, as when the inevitable happens, it will be even more awkward trying to find out what the situation is regarding personal belongings and finances. Your mum might even want you to have some personal stuff of hers, and it helps to have it notarised, rather than just being verbal.

From personal experience, its not always the best thing for a family to know will contents before the testator dies.

I think there is different way to maybe find out something, OP.
Your half siblings are very young. It is absolutely fine to sit with your parents and ask them what their plans/wills say about who will look after kids if something happen to them. Anyone with dependent kids will include that in will as to who will bring the kids up. Your parents may have assumed you’d automatically do that- but you do actually need to know where it is legally and if they wanted you to do that they should have discuss it. From thst then also comes a trust needed for their inheritence to help raise them- who is trustee , what happens to house.

jeez, if I had very young siblings and parents not in best help I’d be over this like a rash ensuring I knew exactly what their intentions were for my younger sibs wrt expectations around my role

id also be pushing them around LPOA-ensuring I knew they had it in place, who the attorney is/are and if me, what their “wishes” were .

where young kids are involved and an elder sibling I think it is a sensible conversation to have so you know where they stand and you stand.

that conversation will tell you a lot about your position too.

have a think about this, tackle from that angle maybe to start a conversation

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator we are tenants in common on the house and have each left each other a life interest in the home then to the DC after the second spouse death. So lessens likelihood that all home value would go on care fees. But they are also both intelligent financially savvy adults so they understand that the will only applies to the assets that are left on death.

Yikes, she’s 55 and it’s really none of your business. You are being a CF
my husband is not much younger than her

YABVU to discuss something thst is none of your business